"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself."
Neil Gaiman

This summarises my wishes for everyone next year, as succinctly as I could ask for.

Last day of 2009, and I'm heading out in a bit. No crazy partying for me this year- I'm giving Zouk a miss to meet new people, make new friends and hang out with a decade's worth of musical theatre scores and a grand piano at H's.

If you ask me, I can't think of a better way to usher in the New Year.

Happy 2010 everyone (:

My last show for 2009 closes tomorrow, and then I'll probably be taking a quick break before rehearsals start for my next show so here's my annual retrospection post, 2 days early. Happy New Year everyone, hope 2009 was as kickass for you as it was for me, and here's to a good 2010 (:

"I can't wait for 2009. Payback for the hell of a 2008- 2009's gonna be a good year, I can feel it. (:"

- 27th December 2008

Dear 2009,

Wow. That's the only word that my (lack of) grey matter can conjure up to summarise what you've given to me.

A year ago I wrote that 2009 had better kick ass to make up for the hell that was 2008 and boy has it kicked some serious ass. Despite the ups and downs that life will never fail to throw your way, it has been a wonderful year. I would say this has been one of the best years of my life so far in terms of how much fun I had, and in terms of how much I have grown.

Realising that what I wanted was not a typical university education; fighting to pursue my dreams and struggling to prove (to myself more than anything) that this is what I really want; opportunities finding their way to me (for which I am incredible thankful for); seeing doors open before my very eyes despite being but a lowly undergrad. It's so amazing to find myself having a completely manageable time at school despite my significant lack of brain power for the first time in my life. And there has definitely been a higher power at work in terms of the opportunities I've been given in my career this year- the number of steps I've taken upward in less than a year is something I never dreamed of. Working with companies I've never worked with before and screwing up so many times and being humbled and learning so much. I have never been more blessed despite being less appreciative and for that I am grateful.

And I couldn't have done anything without the incredible people that have been there every step of the way, old, new, or sustained. People who never judge or condemn but instead choose to be my source of support and safety net despite our crazy perpetually clashing schedules. People I met only this year but have been there for me nonetheless; my lovely crazy AM3A homies, people from all my productions this year- people who have become family, and people who've been every step of the way.

This year, I made only one resolution- I will not get my heart broken. I had only one resolution, and still I broke it. But I learnt so much- about myself, about people, about manipulation and trust and how to heal. I used to think every heartbreak breaks you a little more, but now I realise it makes you stronger. I lived and I learnt and it's an experience I don't regret.

My eyes have really been opened up to how cruel people can be this year- I realised how little I actually knew about people and the world. I would say the most important thing I've learnt this year is how to choose my battles wisely. The world is not a kind place, but with a little wisdom (and selective ignorance), things become a hell lot more tolerable. It has been a long and hard journey and I don't know what is going to happen next,but whatever it is, I know that it will not take me down and that's all I need to know. Tolerance and patience are not my strong suits, but I have been repeatedly tested this year (and failed many a time) and for that I am infinitely humbled.

I guess my response to 2009 can be summarised with a big fat 'Thank you' to the many people who have made this year fabulous and unforgettable in every way. Here's a tribute to an incredible 2009 , and to a smashing 2010. You certainly have a lot to live up to.

S.

"there should be a law somewhere that limits grief. a rule book that says its alright to wake up sobbing like a wreck, but only for a week. that after one month you will no longer feel this twist in your guts and rapid heartbeats when you think of him. there will be no fine imposed if you throw away all things that remind you of him cuz it cuts you fresh again to see it. that it is okay to measure the time he’s gone, the same way we once measured the time we had been together."
- Rozz.

merry christmas

My life right now is a mess of impulsive choices and rash decisions. One of throwing caution to the wind and saying whatever is on my mind, but I'm guessing that one day all this will come back and smack me in the face.

Then again, I'm only 19 once.

Merry Christmas everyone!

hello heartache

Today I felt my first pang.

It's been good, I've been good. It's been really nice spending time with my friends again- having coffee with people I've missed and meeting people I haven't caught up with in a long time, and rediscovering who I was before. It's been good getting to know new people, having long talks with F and having him be honest about his past despite his flaws, getting to know DH and feeling so humbled knowing what he thinks about me. It's been good knowing that I am still attractive enough and personable enough for people to be interested. And it's been really really reassuring to have my friends there whenever I need any of them, to be able to be perfectly honest with them, and to know that I am loved.

But today I felt my first pang. I felt it creeping on this afternoon but the company kept it out of my mind. Then I came home and watched the much-talked-about Xiaxue proposal video, and when it came to the part where she said, "Before Mike, I thought no one would ever love me cos I'm so foul-mouthed and all that other nonsense... but he did.", I felt a pang so deep that I surprised even myself.

It hurt. I miss having someone, I ache for the love and blind faith that I lost, and I'm so resentful that once again I was given the choice of having so much love under so many conditions and I made the choice to walk away from it all over again. It really, really hurt.

Tomorrow I will be okay, but just for tonight, allow me to cry for the conclusion of yet another chapter in my book of failed relationships.

the deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
and is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
when you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

- khalil gibran

So I'm still not officially single, but totally not attached... I don't know what I am, actually.

I've been intentionally bothering with how I look, getting up earlier to put on makeup and contacts. Call me desperate, call me a whore but I do it with the intention of getting the attention of the staging boys just so I can feel a bit better about myself. And it works cos I'm being madly flirted with by a lot of them. It's strange- I'm getting so much attention, but I'm not happy. Like yes they're cute and all and I wouldn't mind going out with one (or a few) or them but I don't even feel anything. When they flirt back I'm not really interested even though I would really like to move on with life- I'm not even excited, just glad that I have people to occupy my time with and focus my energy on and spend my life drinking myself silly with.

Truth is, I'm not really okay.

I just feel empty. With him, I felt so empty so I thought I would feel better without him. But even without him, I still feel empty.

There's this void that I don't know how to fill anymore.

mindless updates

"Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take is the worst of suffering." 
- Paulo Coelho

So ironic that this is your favourite author.
-
In other news, I've been having a hell lot of fun with BB. Post-show drinks/supper almost every night with the crew/wardrobe or staging boys, plus raging gossip at every turn. I've realised that the shows I've been working are so clean and innocent; I'm seeing all the scandal in theatre all of a sudden. The Esplanade staging boys are a fucking riot, I'm so glad we're part of their nonsense. I don't think I've ever had so much fun doing a production. 6 more shows to go and I'm already feeling the post-production blues.

what happened to the nice guys?

"I see this question posted with some regularity in the personals section, so I thought I'd take a minute to explain things to the ladies out there that haven't figured it out.

What happened to all the nice guys?

The answer is simple: you did.

See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He'd tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn't feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were fucking treated you.

At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were "just friends." Besides, he totally wasn't your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn't know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.

Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you werent dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren't the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you're single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, "What happened to all the nice guys?"

Well, once again, you did.

You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive "just-a-" friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren't really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you're upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he'd have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an asshole than he ever wanted to be.

Fact is, now, he's probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I'm sorry that it took the complete absence of "nice guys" in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that.

So, if you're looking for a nice guy, here's what you do:

1.) Build a time machine.
2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ass.
3.) Take a look at what's right in front of you and grab ahold of it.

I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don't really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you.

If you were five years younger.

So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you've fucked yourself over. You're getting older, after all. It's time to excise the bullshit and deal with reality. You didn't want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn't fucking want you, now.

Sincerely,

A Recovering Nice Guy"

infragilis et tenera

I will never let anything or anyone break me again.

Once upon a time,

there was a girl who never knew love until a boy came along and broke her heart.

what i think about at 0218hrs

I am what I am and what I am needs no excuses.

I deal my own deck, sometimes the ace; sometimes the deuces.

It's my world that I want to have a little pride in.

My world and it's not a place I have to hide in.

Life's not worth a damn, till you can shout out, "I AM WHAT I AM".

I don’t understand why people cannot just realize that I am my own person.

I am grateful for my LASALLE friends because I think they are the first group of people I have met that I consciously didn't put up pretenses with from the very beginning. I am grateful for Jing and Azy because they know me inside out and have seen me at my best, and my worst. I am grateful for my cell friends because despite all the shit I do and get myself into, their love is unconditional and they are always supportive. And I am grateful for S, because he listens and takes me for who I am, and loves me not just in spite of it, but because I am who I am.

I will never be the daughter my dad wants me to be (ie book smart, uni-going, professional career woman who will marry a good Christian boy and do everything he wants me to and devote all my time to taking care of the fucking house instead of working). I am so tired of always trying to be good enough and never quite reaching there.

When I was in school I never made the grades. I studied my ass off and I just wasn’t quite there. So I worked hard to find something I’m good in, and now I’m doing what I like, what I’m good at, and I’m doing well in school and making a name for myself in my industry. And I’m still not good enough because I cannot install a stupid printer. I do not want to be perfect, I like the way I am, so why should I have to be perfect just because you want it to be so?

I will never be the daughter who blindly listens to and does everything he says, I will never be the daughter who keeps my room so neat that everything is labeled in boxes (which is totally fucking insane). I might not be neat but I know exactly where everything is. I don’t even bother arguing with him anymore, I just walk away. Better that he thinks me rude than to waste my energy fighting with him . I am exhausted enough already as it is.

I’m not even spending all my time on my social life, I am actually working here. I don’t understand why I should be blamed for that. For the first time in my life I am working so hard on something I really want, and I’ve never worked this hard for anything in my life. I studied my ass off for my Os and As, but when I was tired I just rested. I have never worked myself to such sheer exhaustion- sleeping 4 hours a night, going to school, rushing to work, and then staying up to get my schoolwork done and to study for my assessments. I am busy to the point that replying texts become something so easily forgettable, but they just tell me I’m a rude, unappreciative bitch for not replying.

I will always think for myself and say what I think. I don’t care who you are, if you are making stupid statements and saying stupid things I will tell you right to your face that you are being ridiculous and you are stupid. It’s called independence. You should be proud of me.

I just fucking hate it when every other line that comes out of his mouth is ‘useless’ ‘good for nothing’ and ‘brainless’, ‘bimbo’, ‘stupid’, or ‘idiot’. Just because I am not good at being the person you want me to be does not mean that I am not a good person. I might not be the person you want me to be but I go out of my way to help people and be nice to people and say encouraging things. I do not tell people they are stupid or retarded or good for nothing just because I am frustrated. I am DAMN good at what I do and I will not let you tell me otherwise.

It’s not fair. My sisters do anything they like and they get away with everything and they don’t even put in effort at home. I put in effort and I try despite being so fucking busy I don’t even have time for the people I love and I still get fucked upside down. The shit that I face at home just to be happy out there- it’s not fair.

I love my sisters, but the clearer this distinction between me and them becomes, the more I feel like I don’t even want to be around anyone in my family anymore. I just stay in my room and I don’t want to be bothered by anyone. I want to be alone all the time now because I just keep feeling resentful.

And both he and my mum should stop wondering why I don’t tell them anything about my life, about who my friends are, who I’m seeing. I don’t tell them anything not because they don’t understand, but because they don’t even try. If they try and they don’t understand and they get frustrated, I get it. But they don’t even try. They don’t know who my friends are, they don’t know who my best friends are, they don’t even know their names. And they don’t ask. I used to tell them even though they didn’t ask anyway, but then one day I realized that they can just turn around and talk to someone else while I’m mid-sentence, and they don’t even realize they’re doing it, because they never were listening. And I think that even if they start asking now, I don’t want to tell them anymore. There comes a point of time when you just get tired, and you stop.

My sisters’ friends are an extension of the family. They become family friends. My life out there is completely separate from my life at home. Even my cell friends, who are the easiest to get to know cos we’re all in the same church, don’t talk to my parents because they don’t even know they exist.

Being at home depresses me.

I don’t show it, but it breaks my heart that the people who should know me the best really don’t know me at all.

I woke up to the worst possible morning ever. It was right out of the 'The Worst Day Of My Life' primary school essay, but the grown-up version involving mothers, crazy people, boys and traffic jams.

No one takes me seriously when I say don't fuck with me. Suck ass, bitch.

At work now, which I'm very thankful for cos the crew never fails to make me die laughing.

MUSE LIVE IN SINGAPORE

SINGAPORE INDOOR STADIUM

3RD FEBRUARY 2010

OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD.

So today I was scheduled to finish rehearsal at 6pm, but it dragged to about 6.45pm. Today was also dark day for D&D. S waited for me for close to an hour, picked me up, took me to get dinner and drove us up Mount Faber for a bench picnic (complete with insect repellent) and we sat for an hour just looking at the city skyline and talking about nothing in particular and then spending some good quality time together.

Sitting there, I realised that despite all the shit I've been through because of him, I love him. I still do.

And that's not good. I deserve so much better... but I can't bring myself to want better because he's grown to mean so much to me. Can you mistake familiarity for love?

Sigh, why do I keep doing this to myself.

But it's now 2.07am and I'm going to stop thinking about this because I'm kicking myself for not doing my logbook/reflective journal earlier. And for going on a date today when I have a 1500 word RJ due tomorrow morning at 10am. Oh fuck my life my stupid choices in life.

"i have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. or i can go mad by ricocheting in between."
-sylvia plath

all is love

my honest opinion

I honestly believe that deep within every nice guy, lies a lying, cheating, selfish bastard. Everything everyone does only proves me right.

I'm scared. For myself, and the person I'm becoming.

I believe in love, and fate, and destiny, and coincidence. Everything happens for a reason, and I wish for that one day where I will meet The One and get married and make a zillion tiny little Sylvia-clones and be ridiculously happy for no good reason. I meet someone and then I date that someone and then all my ideals come crashing down. And then I become jaded, and convinced that love doesn't exist, and that all this talk about The One is utter bullshit. Then I crave companionship and the beliefs in love and fate come creeping back up. And then I meet someone new and we're back to square one, wash rinse repeat.

I don't know, it's hard to reconcile the independent, strong side of me that gets tired of being in a relationship and gets tired of always having to consider someone's feelings- the side that wants to be alone after a while, with the side of me that wants a default person to go to, the side that craves affection and companionship and love.

Everything feels so pointless nowadays. As long as I don't see a future in anything, I feel like it's pointless. Which I suppose is the reason why I am feeling this way about my relationship with S. I don't not love him, and I don't want to leave him. I'm just stuck in this strange situation where I'm in the middle- I can't see us going anywhere and hence I find it pointless but I love him and I can't leave him so there's no point thinking about things like this but I do it anyway.

The only things I don't feel are pointless are work and school. It's like I need a form of visual affirmation, or as MrLGP would put it- ocular proof, that the effort that I'm putting in results in something concrete. And the only two things in which there is actually a visual result that I can see is in school and work. And that scares me because this is not who I am. I am not an emotionless workaholic robot. I have always taken pride in the fact that despite how mechanical I can be, I still feel. But I don't feel anymore. I'm just working. And working. And working. I love what I do, but I don't feel anymore. I feel like I am at the point where I can not give a shit about people just to work my way up, and that lack of empathy and lack of guilt in my mentality scares me.

I don't want to be someone like C. I don't want to focus so much on my work that I don't give a shit about anyone but myself, and be so selfish. There's no point being good at what I'm doing if I'm a robot with no empathy, no compassion, no emotion.

It's that time of the year where I'm losing faith- in myself, in people, in God even. Every year there's this lull where I find myself in this state of general apathy and 'whatever'ism. Every year there's this period where nothing excites me anymore. It's not like the things in my life cause me to be miserable, I'm not actively miserable. It's just that I don't see the joy in a lot of things anymore. Or maybe I'm just grumpy cos I'm ill.

See lah, this is what happens when I think. This is why I always want to keep myself busy to the point where I don't have the time to think about things like these. Life would be a lot simpler if my mind could just bloody stay in the moment, stay in the now.

I guess at the end of the day I just don't understand why I can never be content with my life, and that frustrates me. Yes, it gives me the drive to do better, and a desire to improve myself, but I'd rather just be able to not always want more. This lack of satisfaction- I'm scared that one day this will drive everyone I love away from me because they will never match up to my expectations. Which is an irony really, since I'm always loudly proclaiming how much I can't stand people whose standards I will never match up to because their expectations are perpetually on a northbound journey of a lifetime.

A lot on my mind

Sometimes I feel like the biggest hypocrite in the world. And then I remember that it's not my fault that I have to be someone else around you because you wouldn't like the me that I really am.

When I get tired, I get lazy to put on pretenses, and that is when I discover who my true friends are. I cannot always be permanently happy and chirpy 24/7. People who expect me to be like this all the time enjoy my company, not my friendship. Then again, I suppose it's my fault for not letting many people in anyway, since I'm always smiling around most people most of the time. I don't like meeting people when I'm upset.

I go out of my way to help people, and when things fuck up cos of shitty planning in the first place, I end up taking the fall for it even though it's originally their responsibility and I'm just doing them a favour. When I bitch about it I annoy myself cos I feel like I was asking for it by offering in the first place. But even then, I end up doing the same thing over and over again. And I don't know why. I don't think I'm naturally helpful because I'm too lazy to be. I don't think it's because I'm nice either cos I'm not exactly Miss Congeniality. I just don't know why I keep doing stupid things that I don't stand to gain from. Maybe it's some superiority complex thing where I feel like I can probably do it better than anyone else. Or maybe I'm really just retarded.

I'm wondering if we're making a huge mistake here. I mean this in more than one context. I keep talking about perservering and being determined to get what I want... And to be honest I don't know if I'm just trying to convince myself that my choices aren't fucked up, that my decision was right, that the sacrifices are worth it, that I am made for this. It's hard to have no regrets.

Sometimes I'm not sure if it's easier to talk to people about issues, or close one eye and just live in a bubble. It's hard. I'm non-confrontational cos I don't like being put in a position where I have to talk about my feelings- when I'm faced with it I start being defensive and making irrational statements and at the end of the day I wind up bursting into tears, but at the same time I find it hard to ignore something that's so in my face. It's like offering me the cheek of someone I really hate and telling me not to slap it. It takes sheer willpower and to a certain extent, pure self-imposed brainwashing to stop. But when you face your issues, it dregs up so much of the past and so much pain and so much emotion that you find that the effort needed to generate the willpower to ignore it pales in comparison. And then you ignore it. But then you despise yourself for being so weak. It's a vicious cycle.

There's a term for this feeling I keep feeling: chronic dissatisfaction. I bitch all the time about people who are never content, who I will never be good enough for and who are like this, but secretly, I know that I do it because I suffer from it too. I am happy in the context of an emotional state, but I will never be happy with my life. It's scary cos I think this is the exact same problem my mum has, and that's why I cannot stand her. And this is why I should never have kids cos they'll just think I'm some psychopathic bitch.

Actually ah... I'm realising that most of my misery is created by myself and the choices I make. Sian I fail at life.

Right, shutting up now. I turn 19 in a week, omg wtf where did 18 go?! I'm determined to enjoy myself in as low-key a manner as possible this year. Too much drama is bad for health, I'm pretty sure I aged by 5 years in the past year.

If there's one thing I really don't understand in this world, it's why people would want to intentionally hurt someone.

I know I'm not the most sensitive of souls, and the things I say rub people the wrong way sometimes but it's not like my point of saying something, the deliberate action or my conscious decision to do something is intended to serve no other purpose but hurt.

Isn't it like common sense, basic human nature to not want to cause someone to be unhappy? I'm not talking about unintentional cases where in order to make one happy, someone else has to be hurt no I don't mean that. I mean things that are meant for the sole purpose of hurting someone, and nothing else.

Are these people like, mentally disturbed or something? Or do they thrive on the misery of others, that seeing people ground down makes them happy? Which normal, sane, human being does nothing but plot someone else's unhappiness??! And why does seeing someone unhappy make you happy?! And through vindictive, immature means, no less. I don't understand why people would think that way, how their mind works and how that makes sense to them. And I'm actually quite curious as to how it makes perfect sense to them (like you know oh I don't like you so I purposely do stupid shit to make you unhappy and ta daaaaa omg I'm insanely happy! Yay!) when to me, it's completely imbecile, childish and stupid, and I'm really not even bitching about this anymore, I'm just confused and I want to know why.

I don't understand!!! It's an idea that's completely unfathomable to me. Help, someone??!

unloading

I have a lot of things on my mind and I don't know if I should say them or if I should just let them go because the non confrontational conflict hating part of me feels like just letting all of this go sometimes when people ask what's wrong I'm so tired that I don't even feel like explaining anymore but a part of me also feels like just screaming my heart out only to see if you really care and mean what you say because to be quite honest I don't know anymore talk is so cheap and I am so tired of feeling like The Other when I am not I hate feeling like some mistress I'm sorry I'm not as crazy forward or open with my emotion but I have issues with shit like this and it's not like you don't know I'm particularly sensitive to things like this just because I usually suck it up and shut it and deal doesn't mean it doesn't get to me you know what fuck it she can win I've already taken back everything I've ever said on there anyway might as well exit this game for good I'll just stop I feel like just because I'm tolerant people take me for granted and even though I know I have people who appreciate me and are there for me I don't even know if I have you because you really don't seem to give a damn how many days haven't we even had a proper conversation already I know you're tired but newsflash I think I'm more exhausted than you are but I'm still making an effort and sometimes I just feel like picking a fight because I'm so bloody tired and I just need a reason to scream at someone without feeling like a crazy person because at home at work at school I can never scream at anyone because I'm just not allowed to lose my temper even though I am always on the edge but I control myself I hate all this drama seriously the more I try to avoid it the more it comes to look for me maybe I should just be in my own little bubble and work myself to the ground because for a year and a half that's what I did and it seemed to work and love comes with all these crazy emotions and I'm beginning to remember why I swore never to love again I'm torn between not wanting this and loving you so much more that I would like to believe I do and it's scary when you have no control over what you feel anymore I feel so much more human but human's don't always make rational decisions do they this shit is fucking with my mind I don't know everything just feels really superficial right now and I don't know what is real and what is imagined because it seems like I can never make any smart decisions in life maybe it's just the PMS and general exhaustion talking but I feel like I want to die but both you and I and the whole wide world know that I will never speak about this entry or anything associated with this ever again and I will just swallow it and move on with life because that is just the kind of person I am I would rather tolerate and repress everything I feel that to actually be honest about my feelings and talk about myself and so nothing will go wrong and the next time I see you I will be silly and happy and myself again but you know I guess while everything is falling apart and I am having a bad day I just want to cry and you know I don't cry in front of people because I don't like being seen as I don't know human I guess but at the end of the day it's just you I want and really the only thing I can hold on to but,

you're not there.

insomnia

Sometimes, when I'm lying in bed and I can't sleep, I pretend I have superpowers.

I'd pretend I had the ability to vanish people from my life. Not from existence, mind you- but just from my life. I'd vanish you, and you, and you, and life would instantly be a lot easier to live.

I'd pretend I had the ability to read thoughts. Then life would be less complicated because I'd know what everyone really wanted from me instead of what people claim they want from me.

I'd pretend I had the ability to turn back time. If I could do things a second time around maybe I would have had the courage to have been able to fix things a long time ago.

I'd pretend I had the courage to tell people how I really feel. Be able to talk about the mess in my head instead of just bits and pieces that just confuse people. Be able to trust people unconditionally without fear of being judged.

It's sad when you lose a friend.
When you find them back, only to lose them a second time- that's just pathetic.

But that's the way life is- you can't have everything you want (like superpowers).

off balance

I feel like I'm leading a double life and it's getting harder and harder to convince myself that they are both worth living.

I find that it takes more and more of the things that used to make me happy then to make me happy now.

Desperately need some me-time. I've been feeling a bit off lately.

Somehow it just feels like it's not enough.

I hate this perpetually feeling of 'lack'.

I just want to sleep.

"Look, other bands, they want to make it about sex or pain, but you know, The Beatles, they had it all figured out, okay? "I Want to Hold Your Hand." The first single. It's effing brilliant, right?... That's what everybody wants, Nicky. They don't want a twenty-four-hour hump sesh, they don't want to be married to you for a hundred years. They just want to hold your hand."

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist

sorry my love how was it when you found love at the edge of a soft curve did you suck back a holler you're scared it might hurt sorry my love when was it you felt calmer on your back and you're breathless did you hold on for comfort or just to lick your thirst sorry my love

What do you do when people disappear from your life, only to reappear, shoving a truckload of times you want to remember and times you don't want to remember down your throat?

What do you do when you feel like you want something but you know that ultimately you don't actually want it?

What do you do when your heart betrays your mind?

You do nothing. You walk away & you be content and grateful for life as it is.

Goodnight everyone. Sylvia is happy, and strong, and proud of herself (:

disgruntled

I constantly find myself at the bottom of the Pyramid of Screaming. I'm always being screamed at and if there's one other thing other than being slapped in the face that really unleashes my violent streak, it's being screamed at in my face. It's annoying, it's rude, and it's bloody unhygienic.

It doesn't matter where I work, there's always some crazy person screaming at me. Purchasing a 20$ ticket does not make you very big, nor does it buy you the right to scream in my face. I really fucking hate it when people come late and expect to be let in immediately, and then scream at me when I explain that they have to wait for the latecomer's queue. I feel like just punching them in the face and screaming back at them DON'T FUCKING SCREAM AT ME YOU STUPID WHORE. But then I'd get fired and I'd be jobless in addition to having been screamed at.

I silently fume all the way home,where I get screamed at again because as the youngest, I am, by default, at the bottom of the pyramid of screaming.

So I bite my tongue and go downstairs and kick some cats.

I hate that no one takes me seriously just cos of my age when I am perfectly competent at what I do. Age does not equate to wisdom, knowledge, or competence, and just because you are jealous that I have lesser wrinkles than you does not allow you to treat me with any less respect.

ANGRY.

Gonna be busy as hell for the next 2 months, but I'm looking forward to being exhausted. It's been way too long since my schedule was this packed. Right, off to bed xx

(I was kidding about the cats btw. I just go for combat class and punch and chop away all my anger PLEASE DON'T ABUSE ANIMALS.)

my favourite movie

"i shouldn’t want the song to end. i always think of each night as a song. or each moment as a song. but now i’m seeing we don’t live in a single song. we move from song to song, lyric to lyric, from chord to chord. there is no ending here. it’s an infinite playlist."

"i used to think when i got older, the world would make so much more sense, but you know what? the older i get, the more confusing it is, the more complicated- you’d think we’d get better at it."

nick and norah’s infinite playlist

sonnet xxv
pablo neruda

before I loved you, love, nothing was my own
i wavered through the streets, among objects
nothing mattered or had a name
the world was made of air, which waited

i knew rooms full of ashes,
tunnels where the moon lived,
rough warehouses that growled ‘get lost’,
questions that insisted in the sand

everything was empty, dead, mute,
fallen abandoned, and decayed
inconceivably alien, it all

belonged to someone else, to no one
till your beauty and your poverty
filled the autumn plentiful with gifts

I had the most wonderful day.

What I learnt in management class today

Not everyone can be good at everything.

So first you hire Person A, who can do this thing, and then you hire Person B, who can do this other thing.
Person B is excellent at what he does. Person A gets his job done.
But Person A can do something Person B cannot, and that is why Person A's still around.

But, this is my take:

Have you ever considered that Person B might be able to do both what himself and Person A can do?
Maybe Person B is a better _____er than Person A.
But if you assume that Person B is only good at what he was hired to do, and you don't teach Person B how to do what Person A does, Person B cannot learn.

So Person A will always be around, not actually because he's a better _____er than Person B, but simply because Person B never got the chance to learn.

This might not always be the case, because there will definitely be Person Bs around who cannot do what Person As can do. But what about those who can? What happens to them? Are they relegated to forever being the secondary Person B just because they didn't get a chance to learn something new?

Makes sense? This can be applied to so many contexts even.

Man, I am amazed at my insight. Hahahahahahaha.

selfish thoughts

为了你而必须忍受这一切, 我不知道爱你是否值不值得.

How to bend when all I want to do is break

Hate hate hate being at homeeeeeee. I sound so em0gurlz123@hotmail.com but I really cannot take it. Things are getting from bad to worse. Everytime I feel bad and start to treat my mom a little bit nicer she goes and fucks things up again. We're trying to fix things, my family has had family meetings and shit where we talk things out and we're planning intervention part 2387459843784 with the extended family this time, drastic much? But it's obviously not working because things are still fucked up. I know I'm supposed to be patient and caring and keep in mind that she has a problem, not that she is the problem and therefore be patient and wait for her to change but I cannot fucking take it.

I feel like the whole damn world is trying to push push push me until I break. Every single aspect of my life is solid and grounded but recently people have just been poking me left right centre and I feel so cornered. Seriously, I have no idea what some people want or expect from me sometimes. What do you want? I find myself directing this question to people around me more often these days. I'm so tired of indecisive people. You, do you want me to give up? Is that it? You want me to be an ultimate failure in life just to prove a damn point, is that it?! Is my entire future really worth that little to you- a victory? And you, why are you committing friendship suicide by doing this? Is my friendship not enough why does it always have to be about you? And YOU, most of all you, I just really want you to die for making me feel so goddamn miserable when my world has the potential to be all rainbows and butterflies but at the same time I feel very terrible every time you are around because I feel very sorry for you. I know your position I have been there before and I've told you just as much, and I know it sucks but hello, I am about to explode. I'm seriously doubting my limit here.

People don't know their limits anymore, that's the problem. You give one step they take a length. You give a length they take ten. One day it's just going to blow up in your face. Is it not obvious enough when you should back off? Why do some people have absolutely no sense of propriety? It should be automatic, people. Things like these are common sense they don't have to be taught. D says to focus on what's important, and J also says to not sweat the small stuff. But sometimes it's the small stuff that adds up to the big picture, and I can't ignore it.

I feel the old me creeping back on me and I don't want that. Old Sylvia is dead and gone, buried somewhere in the middle of 08 and I am determined to not be that crazy, irrational, mood-swinging, random bouts of crazed crying person again. But this obsessing over the small stuff thing is so characteristic of the old me and it scares me because I don't want to go back to the person I was. This cautiousness is killing me. The cautiousness I feel around everyone and anyone is killing me.

I hate feeling like every single second of my life I'm being assessed, I'm being judged, and that I have to watch myself. And it's doubly stressful when I have to watch myself at home. Home is supposed to be the one place I can unwind and relax and be myself and yet I find that I am the most myself when I'm out of home, because at home I have to watch every step I take. My mother is a ticking timebomb and landmine in one, I never know when she's going to go crazy and I really really hate it. It's absolutely ridiculous that I feel stressed at home but it happens.

letter graveyard

I am human, and I hurt. Anger does a pretty good job at covering it up, but it doesn't mean it's not there.

I am not openly emotional. That does not mean that I don't have a heart.

My patience has a limit. Just because I am pushing to keep it beneath that level doesn't mean that it is limitless.

I am not a patient person. I hate waiting in line, I hate waiting for people, I hate having to ask for the same thing a zillion times over. And yet I tolerate you.

I do not deserve this. Open your eyes and maybe then you'll realise- I have been nothing but nice to you. I don't have to be, but I am. Most girls in my position are not, but I am. I have been listening and being sympathetic and understanding when all I want to do is to punch you in the face and tell you to fuck off. I am trying very hard to be mature, but push me and I will very happily unleash the teenage girl in me. The teenage girl you no longer are but still behave like.

You are not my friend and I owe you nothing. I may trash talk you to other people but ultimately I still treat you with nothing but kindness and respect. I do not need to ask you for your approval or tolerance- you have no right. And yet I ask, I request that you leave me alone. I do not demand. I do it because I respect you as a human being.

I do it for the sole reason that it makes the people I love happy. I do it because I don't want the people I love to be angry for a stupid reason like you.

Think about it, and maybe you'll learn not to blame me and punish me for something I did not do.

"and when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter, they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long."
- sylvia plath

I have no respect for guys who order their girlfriends around and expect them to do as they say. I have even lesser respect for the girls who allow themselves to be pushed around.

I don't understand why some girls are willing to throw away every inch of their self-respect, dignity and pride over a man. Is it worth throwing everything that represents all that you are away for someone who takes it and tramples all over it? Wake up sweetie, it's not worth it.

S: "I am so fed up with my family"
A: "study hard, get a stable job and then let them disown you"

sounds like a plan bbygirl

mediocre

my middle name.

blah blah blahhhhhh

I really need to get my act together and stop dicking around with my life before I lose every single good thing that has happened to me this year. Everything just landed in front of my face and working out without any of my input. And I am somewhat terrified that once I start actively doing things I will wind up messing something up because I have a tendency for doing things like that. 2008 was a shitty year and 2009 has to be a good year, if only to make up for that. It has to be.

On a separate note though, I fucking hate being thrown ultimatums it SUCKS why can't people just fucking compromise? Especially when it's their own flipping indecision in the first place that put me in this state. Just cos I have one thing does not mean I completely cannot have another. If life works the way things are now and we're okay why change things why make me choose?! Fucking retarded. Asadafdfksdafjkldsfklsf.

for J

"you can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened… or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on"
tupac shakur

best fucking piece of advice i've ever heard (from tupac no less) stop thinking about it and let it be, it will come back to you. if all else fails i'm always here. love you.

hello from Tampines

I moved to my new place over the weekend! I slept at 5am this morning in a desperate bid to unpack 11 boxes and 2 suitcases in 2 nights. (Didn't really work so I ended up flaking on breakfast plans with Andre and Louis this morning, sorry!!! ): ) Despite much h8 for the fact that the bus stop is so damn far away from my house, I am now staying 10 minutes away from bestfriend, Louisa, Andre and even Wahtat who just moved to Simei, and I'm nearer to Azy and Jing now too... all my favourite people! Plus, I finally have my own room, at the grand ol' age of 19. How rad.

Many many things to do and many people to meet in the next 3 weeks before school starts! Much as I am apprehensive about starting where I know no one I am also pretty excited.

To come:
Secret mission to secret place with A, visit L at ice cream chefs, go out with DeeLouSyl, school shopping with A, flea market prowling with S, meet up with the choirboyz, audition this Saturday (!!!!), buffet with the cellies, meet ShantiD, and I seriously,
seriously, need to start my 5 days a week hardcore gym routine again. Yesterday the Mother sidled up to me and went, "I tell you a sad news okay... you fat already leh." FML.

escapism

There are always questions in my head that I resist asking, that I suppress, to keep from being overanalytical and paranoid. But a little voice that lives in my head continually asks in a steady chant, 'What if? What if? What if?'

Btw, much love to everyone who commented or texted after my school-freakout post, it is incredibly reassuring to have people believe in me, thank you (: Also, it has just occurred to me that if everyone in my faculty turns out painfully strange, there's always poptops to meet between classes!

i am not the quiet type of girl

"does it break my heart, of course, every moment of every day, into more pieces than my heart was made of, i never thought of myself as quiet, much less silent, i never thought about things at all, everything changed, the distance that wedged itself between me and my happiness wasn’t the world, it wasn’t the bombs and burning buildings, it was me, my thinking, the cancer of never letting go, is ignorance bliss, i don’t know, but it’s so painful to think, and tell me, what did thinking ever do for me, to what great place did thinking ever bring me? i think and think and think, i’ve thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it"

jonathan safran foer

Some pretty flowers from someone I adore, a cup of strong earl grey, a good book, some time to myself- that is what I really need right now. Not dusty boxes and packing tape and ingratitude and attitude and bruised limbs and forgotten fragments of my life unearthing themselves to show up in the most untimely fashion.

apprehension

I got my Lasalle welcoming letter and orientation notice today and I am suddenly kind of scared at the prospect of starting school in less than month. With the exception of A, I know absolutely nobody in Lasalle. And I barely know A as it is anyway, since I've only worked with her once. I have no idea what kind of lectures I'll be attending, what kind of workload faces me, what kind of social environment I'll be in. I have absolutely no idea what modules are compulsary and what modules are optional, I have no idea how well I need to do to advance to Year 2 and it is suddenly occurring to me how much I do not know and that is kind of freaking the shit out of me right now. I have so much to work towards and so much I want to learn and I really, honestly do want to learn so much so badly. I want to go for the SM course next year and I want to go for the TT intro course at the Esplanade and I want to learn how to do so many things and train under the best but Lasalle suddenly seems very big and ominous and scary and my dreams feel very far and out of reach and I suddenly feel very, very, small and tiny and insignificant.

this one's for you

The gate that I shut 

The last time I got hurt

Seems to have opened itself

"the inexpressible depth of music, so easy to understand and yet so inexplicable, is due to the fact that it reproduces all the emotions of our innermost being, but entirely without reality and remote from pain…music expresses only the quintessence of life and of its events, never these themselves"

arthur schopenhauer

have i told you i ache

2 new blogs I stumbled upon:

Scribble Scribbles [x]

I Wrote This For You [x] 

Honest and raw and everything I love.

resolution 101

Adding on (half a year late, I know) a number 2 to my New Year's resolutions:

1. I will not get my heart broken.

2. I will not give in to people just because they are bossier/bitchier/a better death-glarer than me anymore if they have no authority over me (ie, not my mother/boss/lecturer).

tech geekiness

Microsoft Office Standard 2007 (Suite): USD399.95
Microsoft Office OneNote: USD99.95
Microsoft Office Project Professional: USD999.95
Microsoft Office Publisher: USD169.95
Microsoft Office SharePoint Designer: FREAKIN PRICELESS
ACDSee Photo Manager Professional: USD90.99
IMToo Ipod Computer Transfer: USD25.95
Adobe CS 4 Design Premium: USD1799
TOTAL: USD 3585.74 = SGD 5217.61

ALL MINE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOO.

What an awesome way to start my weekend.

perfection is overrated

I'm so fed up with people and the world.... if you don't believe in me then don't bet on me- it's that simple. I just need to get through this month and I shall rediscover my happyplace!!!!

Meanwhile, everyone should just stop telling me what I can or cannot do. I will not believe you. My will is mine and mine alone and whatever I say I can do, I know I damn well can.

Short getaway tomorrow to Sunday night, this could not have come at a more perfect timing. See you guys on Monday.

chasing boho dreams

So it's official.

I'm going to be a Year 1 Arts Management student at Lasalle College of the Arts come August 3rd, and after 3 years I'll get my B(A) (Hons) in Arts Management. I'm hoping to specialise in Performing Arts and maybe take an elective in Fine Arts, but we'll see.

I'm so excited!!! (:

goodnight world, I am exhausted

Introducing the Sylvia-diet (guaranteed effective): Work both ACE Fest and NMS Children's Season simultaneously in addition to your regular slots at NMS GT, have shows during mealtimes like 12nn and 1pm and 6pm and 7.30pm, have a Red Bull for breakfast cos you'd rather sleep an extra half an hour than eat, eat only half your lunch cos it's cold by the time you get to it, have random non-filling things like frozen yoghurt or bagels from Coffee Bean for dinner only at 10pm or later, all while squeezing in gym during breaks in the day/on dark days. Lose 4kg in 3 weeks while still being able to eat Subway, pizza, prata, Milo dinosaur, Nasi Goreng, Nasi Lemak with extra chicken wings stolen from your sound guy during lunch etc everyday! Try it! Free eyebags and dark eye rings included in package.

We think about it, sing about it, dream about it,lose sleep worrying about it. When we don't have it; we search for it; when we discover it; we don't know what to do with it; when we have it; we fear losing it. It is the constant source of pleasure and pain. But we can't predict which it will be from one moment to the next. It is a short word, easy to spell, difficult to define, impossible to live without.

It's love.

Keri Smith

who?

There are so many people I know who are in the position where they are seeing someone despite the presence of a third party- the girl who sees the boy who is seeing someone new but unable to let her go, the girl who sees an ex because she is unable to let him go and doesn't know that he is seeing someone new, that someone new seeing that boy despite the constant niggling presence of the ex, the girl who sees an ex because she is unable to let him go despite the full knowledge of the fact that he is seeing someone new and not giving a fuck, the boy whose indecisiveness over two girls very much in love with him allows him to see both and take both for granted.

So who's the third wheel? The new, or the old? The one in control, or the one helplessly (and hopelessly) attached? Who's at fault? Who do you blame?

I was trying my best to find a painfully honest quote to put everything in perspective, and I couldn't.

Maybe, cos in situations like this, there is just nothing that can be said.

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave."

- Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

"Mum... How much like do you need before it becomes love?"

"That, is an interesting question."

"For example: you and Dad. When you first met, you like each other first, right?"

"Yes. Yes, we did."

"Then when did you realise that you love each other?"

"I don't know... I guess... we knew each other for a very long time."

"Does it mean that, when you know someone for very long, you fall in love with him?"

"No... No, it doesn't necessarily mean that. You know- I guess love is very difficult to understand. I mean, people talk about it all the time, they sings songs about it, they write about it but when it comes right down to it I guess nobody really knows where love comes from.. or where it goes.""

"You're confusing me..."

"Yes I am. Love is like that."

The Morning After

Part I: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjo28ya5rDI

Part II: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRxvvXRkle0

Part III: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8JMCyYI672g

Print-to-screen adaptation of Christine Suchen Lim's eponymous short story. This version is a concatenation of the scene excerpts containing only the gay storyline moiety of the complete film broadcast.

seriously

"I strive to better my ability to conceptualize ideas and a place in the School of Humanities and Social Sciences to read English Literature will allow me to explore the different avenues of the literary world. I am also confident of my ability to contribute to NTU as a leader."

You just read 50 words.

Seriously, how the hell is anyone expected to show how worthy they are of a place in NUS/NTU if they get only 1000 characters or an even more ridiculous 50 WORDS to express themselves? And how the hell does anyone expect to be able to see how worthy someone is of getting a place in uni in 50 words??! This is nuts. The system is so ridiculously, stupidly flawed I have nothing to say.

deeeeeeeenied

NUS application status enquiry

Name TAN SYLVIA

Application number 19043312

Application status

The general stages for the application status are

Application received --> Application processing --> Outcome of application

Your current status is Admission denied.

"We spend our whole lives worrying about our future. Planning our future. Predicting our future. As if figuring it out will somehow cushion the blow. But the future is always changing, and the future is home of our deepest fears- and our wildest hopes.

But one thing is certain- when it finally reveals itself, the future is never the way we imagined it."

last words

I'm very tired of trying to strike a balance and perfect that balancing act. What is good for me vs what I want, what I want vs what I can achieve, what I can achieve vs what I dream to be, making my parents happy yet not compromising my promises to myself, fulfilling my dream of chasing boho dreams yet making sure I have enough money to not starve to death in the future. Fucking sucks.

I got accepted but my dad refuses to let me go to art college. I'm going to do this without him. Meanwhile, I'm praying for a sign to know that I am really doing the right thing. Amanda managed to get a place too so here's to hoping she'll be my coursemate.

I am so tired of having to fight for every single thing in my life. I fight so hard for every damn thing I want in my life and still, I lose every battle. Meanwhile, people just relax and chill their way through life and life just moulds itself around them. It's so unfair.

I am so tired.

Matthew Grey Gubler

The defects and faults of the mind are like wounds in the body. After all imaginable care has been taken to heal them up, still there will be a scar left behind.

slow dancing in a burning room

Ben Susak & Pam Chu to John Mayer's Slow Dancing in a Burning Room by Wade Robson
Extended version of Joshua and Katee's SYTYCD piece.

Raw, raw emotion.

version -1.1

An observation: is it not sad that ex-es always manage to find the cheapest, most pirated versions of you (albeit a less hot, less cute, less nice, less sweet, less funny version) to downgrade to after he loses you? I've seen this happen so many times over... Pathetic.

This constant vicious cycle of happiness, anger, depression, self-pity and angst is exhausting me. I have never been this bipolar in my life. Pentapolar, actually.

I don't think I've ever felt this low in my life.

When you're not big enough of a bitch, you turn into a communal punching bag.

22

Dear time,

Please hurry up.

Love, Sylvia.

confessions of a teenage girl

I have something to confess.




I...







I.....


.......


........


............


...........



really liked Zac Efron in 17 Again.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I justify my adoration by the fact that I am still a teenager.

jaded, j-j-jaded

How is it that girls always single-handedly manage to ruin their own lives time and again by picking the new, exciting, fresh boy over the safe, dependable option? What was that? Oh yeah, cos he's exciting and new. Guys used to be the ones with the tendency to cheat but I think this is changing. So many girls I know cheated/are cheating on their boyfriends, and the most appalling thing is that they think nothing of it, and they think it's perfectly fine. Seriously? Stuffy, preachy morals aside, that's just scary. This is really making me re-think trusting anyone/anything lately, cos it's proven- even the nicest people have displayed signs of betrayal without batting an eyelid.

A little bird just told me that a girl- a perfectly nice, sweet, pretty girl I am acquainted with broke up with her perfectly nice, sweet and adorable if slightly dorky (in a good way) boyfriend of over a year for someone she met and 'had a connection with' despite her friends telling her not to, only to get dumped 2 months later and concluded with her begging Boy A to take her back. This is the nth time I've heard this story and frankly, I'm not surprised anymore. I mean, I see why they do it- the attraction and temptation is there, and it's irresistable. But dating someone with a reputation is never going to work out, and choosing someone with a bad rep over someone with a good rep is just stupid. He has a bad rep for a reason. I get that we're only nineteen, you're not looking to settle down, you want to date and have fun blah blah blah but I really hate it when I see my guy friends- my good, nice guy friends- get dumped for some jackass, only to have the girl begging to have him back a few months later. If you don't intend to stay with someone, don't even start- is that really so hard to comprehend?

That said, girls who go for someone with a reputation despite all the warnings, saying stuff like 'You don't know him like I do', 'It's not the same, I'm not one of those stupid girls' or the even more well-used 'He will change for me, I just know it' and then eventually get their heart broken, are really asking for it. (Digressing, I'm not slamming any of these girls btw, cos put in their position, I'll probably make the same stupid choice as well.) I'm not talking about those girls who don't have an option and they go out with jackasses cos they're bored- they don't have a choice. But given the choice between the safe, dependable option, and the exciting, dangerous option (and it's not like they don't like the former, btw- they like both, it's strictly a matter of choice we're talking about.), why is it that girls always pick the latter?

This post is basically based off 2 questions that has been floating in my head for a while now- if you don't intend to make it last, don't freaking get together with someone and then dump them for some loser and break his/her heart- is it really that difficult? Secondly, why are girls so stupid?

Man, I am way too young to be this jaded.

happy one year

Today (yesterday now, actually) marks the day I've been officially single a whole year. "Excuse me, I was for three years??" Yeah yeah, I hear you.

Oh and today I finally started on David Sedaris' Me Talk Pretty One Day... effing hilarious.

Goodnight everyone.

seriously?

You're one to talk, Ms Sensitivity.

"Will you have dinner with me this weekend?"
"The system has received your request and will be processed in 3-5 working days. Thank you and have a nice day."

A Level Results: FAQ

Yes, I flunked my Math.

Yes, I expected it.

Yes, I did well enough for the rest.

Yes, I have accepted it and I am fine.

Yes, I am still shamelessly applying to university.

No, I don't know whether or not I have a future in publishings.

Yes, I am going to apply for everything I want regardless of admission criteria.

No, I am not planning to give up and yes, I am planning to further my education.

Yes, I am applying to all three universities.

Yes, I am applying to Lasalle.

No, I cannot afford private uni.

Yes, I would still like to go to Lasalle.

Yes, my parents are giving me grief.

No, I am not fine.

No, I cannot meet you for dinner tomorrow.

No, I am not happy.

Yes, my life basically sucks now.

And yes, I would like you to shut up and stop asking me how I did.

Thank you.

There.

playing with fire

Stupid girl stupid girl what the effffffffff are you doing.