unloading

I have a lot of things on my mind and I don't know if I should say them or if I should just let them go because the non confrontational conflict hating part of me feels like just letting all of this go sometimes when people ask what's wrong I'm so tired that I don't even feel like explaining anymore but a part of me also feels like just screaming my heart out only to see if you really care and mean what you say because to be quite honest I don't know anymore talk is so cheap and I am so tired of feeling like The Other when I am not I hate feeling like some mistress I'm sorry I'm not as crazy forward or open with my emotion but I have issues with shit like this and it's not like you don't know I'm particularly sensitive to things like this just because I usually suck it up and shut it and deal doesn't mean it doesn't get to me you know what fuck it she can win I've already taken back everything I've ever said on there anyway might as well exit this game for good I'll just stop I feel like just because I'm tolerant people take me for granted and even though I know I have people who appreciate me and are there for me I don't even know if I have you because you really don't seem to give a damn how many days haven't we even had a proper conversation already I know you're tired but newsflash I think I'm more exhausted than you are but I'm still making an effort and sometimes I just feel like picking a fight because I'm so bloody tired and I just need a reason to scream at someone without feeling like a crazy person because at home at work at school I can never scream at anyone because I'm just not allowed to lose my temper even though I am always on the edge but I control myself I hate all this drama seriously the more I try to avoid it the more it comes to look for me maybe I should just be in my own little bubble and work myself to the ground because for a year and a half that's what I did and it seemed to work and love comes with all these crazy emotions and I'm beginning to remember why I swore never to love again I'm torn between not wanting this and loving you so much more that I would like to believe I do and it's scary when you have no control over what you feel anymore I feel so much more human but human's don't always make rational decisions do they this shit is fucking with my mind I don't know everything just feels really superficial right now and I don't know what is real and what is imagined because it seems like I can never make any smart decisions in life maybe it's just the PMS and general exhaustion talking but I feel like I want to die but both you and I and the whole wide world know that I will never speak about this entry or anything associated with this ever again and I will just swallow it and move on with life because that is just the kind of person I am I would rather tolerate and repress everything I feel that to actually be honest about my feelings and talk about myself and so nothing will go wrong and the next time I see you I will be silly and happy and myself again but you know I guess while everything is falling apart and I am having a bad day I just want to cry and you know I don't cry in front of people because I don't like being seen as I don't know human I guess but at the end of the day it's just you I want and really the only thing I can hold on to but,

you're not there.