itsladylazarus

So I'm still not officially single, but totally not attached... I don't know what I am, actually.

I've been intentionally bothering with how I look, getting up earlier to put on makeup and contacts. Call me desperate, call me a whore but I do it with the intention of getting the attention of the staging boys just so I can feel a bit better about myself. And it works cos I'm being madly flirted with by a lot of them. It's strange- I'm getting so much attention, but I'm not happy. Like yes they're cute and all and I wouldn't mind going out with one (or a few) or them but I don't even feel anything. When they flirt back I'm not really interested even though I would really like to move on with life- I'm not even excited, just glad that I have people to occupy my time with and focus my energy on and spend my life drinking myself silly with.

Truth is, I'm not really okay.

I just feel empty. With him, I felt so empty so I thought I would feel better without him. But even without him, I still feel empty.

There's this void that I don't know how to fill anymore.