itsladylazarus

I'm scared. For myself, and the person I'm becoming.

I believe in love, and fate, and destiny, and coincidence. Everything happens for a reason, and I wish for that one day where I will meet The One and get married and make a zillion tiny little Sylvia-clones and be ridiculously happy for no good reason. I meet someone and then I date that someone and then all my ideals come crashing down. And then I become jaded, and convinced that love doesn't exist, and that all this talk about The One is utter bullshit. Then I crave companionship and the beliefs in love and fate come creeping back up. And then I meet someone new and we're back to square one, wash rinse repeat.

I don't know, it's hard to reconcile the independent, strong side of me that gets tired of being in a relationship and gets tired of always having to consider someone's feelings- the side that wants to be alone after a while, with the side of me that wants a default person to go to, the side that craves affection and companionship and love.

Everything feels so pointless nowadays. As long as I don't see a future in anything, I feel like it's pointless. Which I suppose is the reason why I am feeling this way about my relationship with S. I don't not love him, and I don't want to leave him. I'm just stuck in this strange situation where I'm in the middle- I can't see us going anywhere and hence I find it pointless but I love him and I can't leave him so there's no point thinking about things like this but I do it anyway.

The only things I don't feel are pointless are work and school. It's like I need a form of visual affirmation, or as MrLGP would put it- ocular proof, that the effort that I'm putting in results in something concrete. And the only two things in which there is actually a visual result that I can see is in school and work. And that scares me because this is not who I am. I am not an emotionless workaholic robot. I have always taken pride in the fact that despite how mechanical I can be, I still feel. But I don't feel anymore. I'm just working. And working. And working. I love what I do, but I don't feel anymore. I feel like I am at the point where I can not give a shit about people just to work my way up, and that lack of empathy and lack of guilt in my mentality scares me.

I don't want to be someone like C. I don't want to focus so much on my work that I don't give a shit about anyone but myself, and be so selfish. There's no point being good at what I'm doing if I'm a robot with no empathy, no compassion, no emotion.

It's that time of the year where I'm losing faith- in myself, in people, in God even. Every year there's this lull where I find myself in this state of general apathy and 'whatever'ism. Every year there's this period where nothing excites me anymore. It's not like the things in my life cause me to be miserable, I'm not actively miserable. It's just that I don't see the joy in a lot of things anymore. Or maybe I'm just grumpy cos I'm ill.

See lah, this is what happens when I think. This is why I always want to keep myself busy to the point where I don't have the time to think about things like these. Life would be a lot simpler if my mind could just bloody stay in the moment, stay in the now.

I guess at the end of the day I just don't understand why I can never be content with my life, and that frustrates me. Yes, it gives me the drive to do better, and a desire to improve myself, but I'd rather just be able to not always want more. This lack of satisfaction- I'm scared that one day this will drive everyone I love away from me because they will never match up to my expectations. Which is an irony really, since I'm always loudly proclaiming how much I can't stand people whose standards I will never match up to because their expectations are perpetually on a northbound journey of a lifetime.