what i think about at 0218hrs

I am what I am and what I am needs no excuses.

I deal my own deck, sometimes the ace; sometimes the deuces.

It's my world that I want to have a little pride in.

My world and it's not a place I have to hide in.

Life's not worth a damn, till you can shout out, "I AM WHAT I AM".

I don’t understand why people cannot just realize that I am my own person.

I am grateful for my LASALLE friends because I think they are the first group of people I have met that I consciously didn't put up pretenses with from the very beginning. I am grateful for Jing and Azy because they know me inside out and have seen me at my best, and my worst. I am grateful for my cell friends because despite all the shit I do and get myself into, their love is unconditional and they are always supportive. And I am grateful for S, because he listens and takes me for who I am, and loves me not just in spite of it, but because I am who I am.

I will never be the daughter my dad wants me to be (ie book smart, uni-going, professional career woman who will marry a good Christian boy and do everything he wants me to and devote all my time to taking care of the fucking house instead of working). I am so tired of always trying to be good enough and never quite reaching there.

When I was in school I never made the grades. I studied my ass off and I just wasn’t quite there. So I worked hard to find something I’m good in, and now I’m doing what I like, what I’m good at, and I’m doing well in school and making a name for myself in my industry. And I’m still not good enough because I cannot install a stupid printer. I do not want to be perfect, I like the way I am, so why should I have to be perfect just because you want it to be so?

I will never be the daughter who blindly listens to and does everything he says, I will never be the daughter who keeps my room so neat that everything is labeled in boxes (which is totally fucking insane). I might not be neat but I know exactly where everything is. I don’t even bother arguing with him anymore, I just walk away. Better that he thinks me rude than to waste my energy fighting with him . I am exhausted enough already as it is.

I’m not even spending all my time on my social life, I am actually working here. I don’t understand why I should be blamed for that. For the first time in my life I am working so hard on something I really want, and I’ve never worked this hard for anything in my life. I studied my ass off for my Os and As, but when I was tired I just rested. I have never worked myself to such sheer exhaustion- sleeping 4 hours a night, going to school, rushing to work, and then staying up to get my schoolwork done and to study for my assessments. I am busy to the point that replying texts become something so easily forgettable, but they just tell me I’m a rude, unappreciative bitch for not replying.

I will always think for myself and say what I think. I don’t care who you are, if you are making stupid statements and saying stupid things I will tell you right to your face that you are being ridiculous and you are stupid. It’s called independence. You should be proud of me.

I just fucking hate it when every other line that comes out of his mouth is ‘useless’ ‘good for nothing’ and ‘brainless’, ‘bimbo’, ‘stupid’, or ‘idiot’. Just because I am not good at being the person you want me to be does not mean that I am not a good person. I might not be the person you want me to be but I go out of my way to help people and be nice to people and say encouraging things. I do not tell people they are stupid or retarded or good for nothing just because I am frustrated. I am DAMN good at what I do and I will not let you tell me otherwise.

It’s not fair. My sisters do anything they like and they get away with everything and they don’t even put in effort at home. I put in effort and I try despite being so fucking busy I don’t even have time for the people I love and I still get fucked upside down. The shit that I face at home just to be happy out there- it’s not fair.

I love my sisters, but the clearer this distinction between me and them becomes, the more I feel like I don’t even want to be around anyone in my family anymore. I just stay in my room and I don’t want to be bothered by anyone. I want to be alone all the time now because I just keep feeling resentful.

And both he and my mum should stop wondering why I don’t tell them anything about my life, about who my friends are, who I’m seeing. I don’t tell them anything not because they don’t understand, but because they don’t even try. If they try and they don’t understand and they get frustrated, I get it. But they don’t even try. They don’t know who my friends are, they don’t know who my best friends are, they don’t even know their names. And they don’t ask. I used to tell them even though they didn’t ask anyway, but then one day I realized that they can just turn around and talk to someone else while I’m mid-sentence, and they don’t even realize they’re doing it, because they never were listening. And I think that even if they start asking now, I don’t want to tell them anymore. There comes a point of time when you just get tired, and you stop.

My sisters’ friends are an extension of the family. They become family friends. My life out there is completely separate from my life at home. Even my cell friends, who are the easiest to get to know cos we’re all in the same church, don’t talk to my parents because they don’t even know they exist.

Being at home depresses me.

I don’t show it, but it breaks my heart that the people who should know me the best really don’t know me at all.