Sometimes I feel like the biggest hypocrite in the world. And then I remember that it's not my fault that I have to be someone else around you because you wouldn't like the me that I really am.
When I get tired, I get lazy to put on pretenses, and that is when I discover who my true friends are. I cannot always be permanently happy and chirpy 24/7. People who expect me to be like this all the time enjoy my company, not my friendship. Then again, I suppose it's my fault for not letting many people in anyway, since I'm always smiling around most people most of the time. I don't like meeting people when I'm upset.
I go out of my way to help people, and when things fuck up cos of shitty planning in the first place, I end up taking the fall for it even though it's originally their responsibility and I'm just doing them a favour. When I bitch about it I annoy myself cos I feel like I was asking for it by offering in the first place. But even then, I end up doing the same thing over and over again. And I don't know why. I don't think I'm naturally helpful because I'm too lazy to be. I don't think it's because I'm nice either cos I'm not exactly Miss Congeniality. I just don't know why I keep doing stupid things that I don't stand to gain from. Maybe it's some superiority complex thing where I feel like I can probably do it better than anyone else. Or maybe I'm really just retarded.
I'm wondering if we're making a huge mistake here. I mean this in more than one context. I keep talking about perservering and being determined to get what I want... And to be honest I don't know if I'm just trying to convince myself that my choices aren't fucked up, that my decision was right, that the sacrifices are worth it, that I am made for this. It's hard to have no regrets.
Sometimes I'm not sure if it's easier to talk to people about issues, or close one eye and just live in a bubble. It's hard. I'm non-confrontational cos I don't like being put in a position where I have to talk about my feelings- when I'm faced with it I start being defensive and making irrational statements and at the end of the day I wind up bursting into tears, but at the same time I find it hard to ignore something that's so in my face. It's like offering me the cheek of someone I really hate and telling me not to slap it. It takes sheer willpower and to a certain extent, pure self-imposed brainwashing to stop. But when you face your issues, it dregs up so much of the past and so much pain and so much emotion that you find that the effort needed to generate the willpower to ignore it pales in comparison. And then you ignore it. But then you despise yourself for being so weak. It's a vicious cycle.
There's a term for this feeling I keep feeling: chronic dissatisfaction. I bitch all the time about people who are never content, who I will never be good enough for and who are like this, but secretly, I know that I do it because I suffer from it too. I am happy in the context of an emotional state, but I will never be happy with my life. It's scary cos I think this is the exact same problem my mum has, and that's why I cannot stand her. And this is why I should never have kids cos they'll just think I'm some psychopathic bitch.
Actually ah... I'm realising that most of my misery is created by myself and the choices I make. Sian I fail at life.
Right, shutting up now. I turn 19 in a week, omg wtf where did 18 go?! I'm determined to enjoy myself in as low-key a manner as possible this year. Too much drama is bad for health, I'm pretty sure I aged by 5 years in the past year.
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