Today I felt my first pang.
It's been good, I've been good. It's been really nice spending time with my friends again- having coffee with people I've missed and meeting people I haven't caught up with in a long time, and rediscovering who I was before. It's been good getting to know new people, having long talks with F and having him be honest about his past despite his flaws, getting to know DH and feeling so humbled knowing what he thinks about me. It's been good knowing that I am still attractive enough and personable enough for people to be interested. And it's been really really reassuring to have my friends there whenever I need any of them, to be able to be perfectly honest with them, and to know that I am loved.
But today I felt my first pang. I felt it creeping on this afternoon but the company kept it out of my mind. Then I came home and watched the much-talked-about Xiaxue proposal video, and when it came to the part where she said, "Before Mike, I thought no one would ever love me cos I'm so foul-mouthed and all that other nonsense... but he did.", I felt a pang so deep that I surprised even myself.
It hurt. I miss having someone, I ache for the love and blind faith that I lost, and I'm so resentful that once again I was given the choice of having so much love under so many conditions and I made the choice to walk away from it all over again. It really, really hurt.
Tomorrow I will be okay, but just for tonight, allow me to cry for the conclusion of yet another chapter in my book of failed relationships.
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