I have been trying to be more Quiet recently.

Complain less. Pick on things less. Nag less. Generally just speak less.

The desired effect was to see if it could make it easier to practice gratitude, that maybe the first step to being less ungrateful is to stop vocalising my ingratitude. That maybe if I stop vocalising it then eventually I will be able to stop thinking it.

But I am not sure if it is having the desired effect. All I feel is suffocated, and I don't think the recent Quietness is coming from a place of restraint, but more from a place of being too tired and having no more fucks left to raise issues.

Which leads me to think that maybe Quietness doesn't work when my head space is still Noisy.

Also I actually don't know if my desire to be Quiet is truly because of a desire to be more grateful, or because I'm being silently passive aggressive and expressing how I'm sick of talking when no one listens. Is self-serving gratitude a thing? 

Question of the day: what do you take me for? (repeat x infinity)

Finding it very very difficult to be grateful today.

But I suppose gratitude also means being thankful for the difficult days because without them you wouldn't know how good the good days are.

reminder to self

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.
- Melody Beattie

hello 2017

As I get older it gets harder to truly dedicate time to people - time without the distraction of a mental checklist of errands that need to be run, necessities that need to be bought; time to enjoy days off that aren't half over from fatigue before it even begins, days that aren't cut short by sickness, petty disagreements and senseless fights, or obligations to friends and family.

It becomes impossible to pinpoint a single day that wasn't made of deadline after deadline, whether given without choice or self-imposed.

And yet amidst the rush of life, between work, meals, exhaustion and everything else that comes with growing up, there exists little snippets of joy, love and pure friendship that I've experienced this year.

I'm grateful that the people I hold closest to my heart have stuck by me through it all, putting in effort to keep in touch when I haven't had the capacity to, and understood enough to continue to love me unconditionally when I've been thoroughly undeserving. Thank you all for navigating the madness with me and making 2016 more than just a test of survival, but a very humbling year of learning to discern what's real from what's not.

2016 felt like 10 years and 6 months all at once and I'm not ready for 2017 but if there's anything 2016 has taught me, it's that I'll always find a way to deal and come out on top. Here's to more laughter, good food and travel. Here's to learning to be even tougher in 2017. Here's to true friendship and unconditional love. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

on privilege

I think I'm really quite grateful for my circumstances.

Even though I complain a lot, everything I bitch about is really very much #firstworldproblems. I'm lucky enough to be born in Sg where I live in a comfy HDB, where I don't have to worry about not having shelter in a freak blizzard or snow storm, where I don't have to worry about my water supply freezing over, my power being cut.

I read an article that day explaining privilege- that privilege doesn't mean having a crapload of money, or living the #rkoi life. It simply means the circumstances you were blessed enough to be born into gave you a head start into life without you having to do anything to deserve or not deserve it.

It's a vast difference from how most people would define the term privilege but I have to admit this definition makes a lot more sense.

I'm not discounting the merit of hard work- it's undeniable that hard work is in itself a working pathway to success but let's be honest here, you can work hard all you want but without the foundation of sheer luck and circumstance, there's also only so far you can go.

I shall attempt to be more grateful and complain less. Keyword is attempt hahaha but eh better than nothing la hor. If anything, at least I'm self-aware. Haha!

musings

I used to be much more active on social media, and also much more vocal about unhappiness in my relationship.

I definitely used to be one of those passive aggressive asshole tweeters who would tweet indirect stabs at my significant other (who would be following me on said social media platform lol) but over the years I guess I grew up and realised I wasn't doing anybody any favours with my childish dramatics.

Not only is it unhealthy and breeds a lot of resentment within the relationship, but it also resulted in a lot of dissent between my significant other and my friends/family. After all, when you constantly portray your significant other as an asshole, you can't really blame your friends/family for hating him right?

So I stopped. I started to understand the value of making my partner look the best version of himself, instead of the complete opposite.

I learnt to address issues directly and calmly and rationally put my feelings and thoughts into words to express myself properly and in a healthy manner.

But more importantly, it also taught me to directly seek the counsel of friends in difficult situations.

And the upside is that instead of talking to myself on social media where people only hear my side of the story and don't get to ask questions, and nobody can call me out if I'm being unfair or being obstinate and childish, when I'm forced to talk to an actual person (and my friends are mostly super impartial and non-side-taking), they call me out on my unacceptable behaviour and try to help me see things from an alternative perspective and to see where I might be going wrong myself.

It keeps me accountable, keeps me in check and forces me not to abuse my feminine wiles (lol) to get my way.

After being brutally called out on my shit many times later (and many fights with my friends lol), I can quite confidently say now that I don't delude myself and obstinately insist I'm right all the time anymore cos it'll just be a waste of time cos I'll eventually get called out for it anyway.

As much as I hate to admit it, I've probably become a better person for it.

So I guess today's moment of gratitude is that I have a best friend who is the ultimate call-me-out-on-my-shit Queen, doesn't indulge my misbehavior, doesn't let me get away with any bratty behavior and is essentially my Feelings Police to make sure I don't become so self-indulgent that I become an all out princess terrorist.

Its really not often you find someone who cares enough about you that she would deliberately do something she knows you would fight over and risk your friendship if it means doing the right thing for your growth as a human being.

(I do the same thing for her by the way, we're brutally honest with each other and my God have we fought about all of it but at the end of the day I know it's really just cos we mean that much to each other.)

And I'm thankful for it.

Back to basics

I've missed writing. I really have.

Life has changed so much since I've been here last. And I am incredibly, wonderfully happy :)

Funny how the best things happen when you least expect them to, and how fulfilled the simplest of things can make you feel.

As far as milestones go, I think 2015 sits squarely on the top as one of the biggest years of my life as far as my career, development, and just life in general goes.

I don't mean to sound like one of those irritating #blessed people but sometimes I think about how everything has managed to fall into place and how I am so content with the way things are now and I am a little afraid because I don't like feeling like my life has peaked and the only way to go now is down.

But I will stay positive and believe that even better things are in store for me. Because the way things are going now, god I really hope it gets even better than this :)

hello 2015

2013 was really difficult; my expectations for 2014 were so low. But I am so amazed and incredibly grateful for what a year it's turned out to have been. This year, I've rediscovered friendships, strengthened existing ones, lost some, forged new bonds, seen a lot of ugly but also seen enough beauty to not be embittered, and above it all- I've been wonderfully happy (for the most part).

For being surrounded by people who never stopped believing in me or thought less of me despite the (sometimes frankly terrible) choices that I tend to make. For the friends who stand by me unwaveringly but are not afraid to call me out on my (oftentimes blatant) bullshit, for investing precious time to fix me when they were in no way responsible for breaking me in the first place. For the people who kept my feet firmly on the ground while allowing me to learn to love myself again, and made me want to be a better person by quietly and patiently loving me regardless of how much of an undeserving monster I was.

If you're reading this- thank you for being part of my life and part of a beautiful year, even if it's in the tiniest of ways. I hope in one way or another, I helped make you as happy as you made me this year.

hello from macau

Day 4 of my 2nd trip of 2014, said goodbye to Hong Kong today and now saying hello from Macau from the boys' apartment.

Surrounded by xbox games and Tamiya cars and the hugest Tamiya track I've ever seen in a tiny apartment, but despite all of that I don't think I've felt this comfortable or this much in my own skin in a really long time.

These days I have no need to pretend, no need to be someone I'm not, I can be exactly who I am and nobody judges me for it. I don't have to be anything I don't feel like I truly am. The future is, as always, uncertain and I don't know where I'll be this time next year but right now, I'm so happy.

Was talking to D yesterday and I shared with her the biggest realisation I made in the last few months, which is that happiness cannot be built around other people. When your happiness depends on nobody but yourself (and for me, on God), the world can crumble and you can lose it all, but you will still find joy in everything. I was never really sure that I believed all of this, until it naturally came from my mouth last night and suddenly everything that people had been saying made sense.

It's truly quite an awesome feeling, and I hope I keep feeling like this.

Grateful and happy, today. :)

random acts of kindness.

Being at the reservoir always clears my head. 

Last night I walked from my place to the reservoir, as I have done many times over. Sat there listening to music, thinking about things. What to do with my life, what I want out of this life. Where my life is going. If that is where I want my life to go. How to be a better person. How to get to where I want to be. 

I lost track of time and at about 2am a 20-something guy tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I was okay. He said it was not normal for a girl to be sitting alone at the reservoir at that hour; he thought I might have been there to kill myself. I laughed. He asked if I needed to talk. 

I ended up pouring my heart out to a complete stranger for the next hour and a half. 

Sometimes it is so much easier to talk to a stranger. No judgement. No preconceived notions. No prior understanding or biasness. 

And he just listened. "I hope you find what you're looking for. It will get better." A smile. And then he walked me to the main road and left. 

I never even got his name. 

Random acts of kindness and humanity.... you never how much they can help. 

There's always someone who cares. 

"but we have no morals, what"

'Cheerful moping'- that's what Debbie and I did last night over dinner and morally incorrect conversations about the biggest problems in our lives, asking each other 'how?' over and over and yet still managing to spend two-thirds of the time busting our asses laughing.

Because really- despite all that shit, there's still a lot to be grateful for.

It's been a really, really long year.

Thanksgiving weekend

I spent Thanksgiving weekend working and sleeping in in preparation for the next 2 weeks, which are looking to be very very crazy.

I don't usually celebrate Thanksgiving (save for the annual wonderfully delicious dinner at a family friend's, that I didn't make this year :( ), but it's been hell of a year and at the end of the day I've still managed to find enough reason to be thankful. That's pretty incredible.

This year has been both beautiful and painful. For what I've witnessed, everything I've learnt and everything I've lost. One last month to 2011, I am determined to make this year worth everything I've been through so far. Here goes nothing.

I turned 21 6 days ago.

They say 21 is supposed to be the pinnacle of your life- it's when life begins, supposedly.  We'll see how that goes.

I don't have the best of demeanors. And so I tend to hang on to the bad, overlook all the good, pick on the smallest things that make me unhappy and let these things ruin perfectly good days, perfectly good situations because of my inability to let go. In short, I am a bit of a tantrum throwing, attention seeking brat. But 2011 has been one of the worst years of my life, and it has truly been a life changing 6 months. However, it has also been the best. I've lost a lot, but things happen, and you grow. 

You can't fix someone else's mistakes. It doesn't matter how hard you try. And nobody deserves to beat themselves up over it, or allow anyone to talk them down because of it.

When you wake up one day and you find that bridges you didn't realise you burnt have already crumbled, mistakes you don't even realise you made have been made, and the one thing that grounded you has fallen apart, you tend to want to fall apart. But how long before you pick yourself up again? I'm not sure I have. But I sure as hell am trying.

I just hope that when times get rough, I don't fall back into whining and complaining and not actually doing anything to help myself but overlook all of that to find the lesson and learn from it. It may sound trite and cliche, but I really don't want to look back on my life 10 years from now, and realise that I've learnt nothing and that I'm exactly the same person.So for starters, here's a happy place to document the highs, let go of frustration, remember to be thankful and to document my gratitude. What's done is done- right now all I want to do is to constantly remember the good, learn from the bad, and to just be content.

So here's to living life, loving life, making full use of every opportunity I have and appreciating all the lessons along the way. 

S x

It's amazing how you look at things so differently after something major happens in your life.

It's been 4 and a half months since you've been gone. It's been the most traumatizing 4 months of my life- I've self-destructed and made the most irrational and seemingly impossible pledges and vows and bets (which I am still winning), I've gone hysterical and gone zen and back to what felt like normal and then apeshit-zen-normaled all over again, I've gone promiscuous and puritan and feminist and reliant and now everything's finally over and at the end of the day, I'm here and I look at the pieces left and I don't even know where to start piecing it back together. I don't even know where the pieces are cos I've just abandoned them and started again. It's like my life has changed completely in 4 months- I've never been closer to my parents, I'm taking school a bit more seriously now, my career path has completely changed, my future has completely gone bonkers, off track, back on track, and then changed tracks completely. The people I thought I were closest to in school vanished from my life completely, instead people who've always remained sort of... in the shadows just being quietly supportive became the people I completely relied on. At my downest and outest the people who were there for me weren't the ones I thought would be there, and the people who I thought would be there just bailed completely. And I am thankful for all of that. But it doesn't matter. For one, I know nothing will ever break me again. I know everyone says this after every breakup or whatever but I honestly think this case is... different (lol, if only half the people reading this had the slightest clue what I'm talking about). I've never been so lost or helpless, and I swear I'll never be like that again, ever. I've learnt so much and I'm really thankful. But that's not the point of this post.

The point of the post is this: a month ago, for the first time since J left me, I liked someone- like REALLY liked someone. I didn't think it would happen so soon- but the strange part was I didn't even feel a need to rush things. That was one. It was weird. I just felt like I had all the time in the world. I didn't want to fall in love, I was just content to like him and get to know him first. That's really strange because if you knew me well enough you'd know I used to want every guy I like to instantly fall in love with me and marry me NOW. So we've been talking every single day every single waking moment for about a month and flirting outrageously, and then today he told me that last night, he got together with this other girl. And whereas usually I would usually be really emo and upset, I was like ah bummer oh well. And that was it. It's not that I didn't really like him enough- Debbie and Donna and Edlyn and Nicole will testify to my endless gushing. But disappointment didn't hit. It was a okay-not-meant-to-be, chin-up-and-move-on moment. And I felt... fine.

The same thing happened with my show. I was really upset about the cancellation at first when it looked like things could still be salvaged. But once it became clear that it was over, I snapped right into: okay, damage control, and then close the case and plan forward. And the aching disappointment vanished.

I'm not sure what changed- maybe it's the fact that after something really major and earth shattering happens to you, everything gets put into perspective and disappointments become less disappointing because it's not as bad in comparison. Or maybe it's the fact that after having to make the hugest heart-vs-head decision I've made in my life so far and forcing myself to choose the logical, rational choice that caused me to lose everything, I've become more able to separate emotion from rationality and go with what's smart and good for me.

But it doesn't matter what the change is. I'm just grateful it happened. It changed my life. Talk about a turning point. I'm not sure what J thinks about this- maybe he'd feel betrayed that my life became better because of this, that I am seeing the silver lining in the cloud because he's still stuck in the cloud. But I hope he's learnt from this too. And I hope he learns good and it changes his life too. Then this wouldn't have been a waste. And if it does change his life, then I hope he realises it. He may or may not see it now, but what happened may perhaps be the best thing that has ever happened in our lives. And I hope he sees it and has the strength to be grateful.

When there's so much more to do, life suddenly seems so much more worth living for.

A few weeks ago (when I was still on Tumblr), I posted an entry about how I felt like I no longer have a direction in life, about how I felt like my growth and progress as a person has stagnated because I don't know where to go from here. It was quite a disheartening feeling, that aimlessness. It wasn't a good feeling. And while I wouldn't go so far as to say that I was even close to depression or feeling suicidal or anything even half that extreme, it still felt quite scary to be in the pits and the depths of all that emotion. I was just going from day to day, not living but simply existing. I hated it- that feeling of blending in with the crowd, that measure of insignificance and invisibility. And I hated the resentment that seeped from every pore of my being, the hatred that I carried for my life being this way, for things happening that are beyond my control, but have dire consequences and an excessive influence over my thought and emotions and future.

But occasionally, life decides to give you a break and the stars align and finally something works for you. And then something else... and something else. In the last 2 weeks, 2 of my long term goals suddenly came to pass. And while it's scary and overwhelming and there are some days where I feel like "HOLY SHIT I'M ONLY 21 I'M SO NOT READY TO DO THIS WTF AM I DOING", I've found that compared to the person I was a year or 2 years ago, I don't struggle as much with committing myself to a project and wanting to see it through to the very end. I hope this isn't just a temporary thing, because I would like to believe I have grown enough as a person to recognise my priorities and harness my energies into chasing dreams that I really want to achieve, as opposed to my classic Libran traits of being super enthusiatic at the beginning, and then getting restless and bored and distracted later on.

I used to lament that some people are so blessed to have it in them to be constantly motivated and working hard and making the right sacrifices. I used to think it was a personality thing; I'm just like that, it's just in my nature to be like this, fml for not having the hardworking 'gene' etc etc but over time I have realised that that is just a really stupid, childish and deluded way to perceive things. There's no such thing as 'nature'. Sure, I might have been like this but it's not because of 'nature'. It's because one day I started doing it, and I never bothered stopping. I accepted it as who I was. Of course, there isn't anything wrong with self-acceptance (duh) but to me, it's unacceptable when there's room for improvement. I may be more likely to act a certain way because of certain personality traits, but that doesn't mean I cannot stop it if I am determined enough. A couple of weeks ago I was at a point of time in my life that I was so unmotivated that even getting up on time in the mornings was a chore. I wasn't actually still tired, I was just too unmotivated to get out of bed, and being late stopped bothering me- scarily uncharacteristic of me, especially since work was involved. I'm not the most punctual person in the world; that's no secret. But I am never late when it comes to work, and lately that didn't even seem to matter. That was scary. But with new goals, you find new motivation, and one day I realised- hey it's gone. I was getting far less sleep and working at about 3 times faster than I used to do in order to squeeze the most into my day but the lethargy was gone. I didn't get additional alarm clocks, I didn't get people to wake me up- I just want to get out of bed now because there are things to be done. And I want to do them. It's amazing how much your life can change with some direction.

To be honest I'm really very touched that D & E have enough faith in me to do this with me- I'm so much younger and less experienced than them and I still have so much to learn, but the fact that they do makes me want to work even harder at this to make sure we pull it off. I've been trying to stick to my deadlines a lot closer than I usually do, and results are...varied. I try and there's improvement, but until the day I meet all my deadlines all the time exactly when I say I will, I will not say that I have truly reformed the lazyass in me. It's like quicksand- the more work piles up, the faster you sink and the faster you sink, the more you waste time panicking about the situation and not exactly doing effective things to save yourself, causing even more work to pile up. It's dangerous.

I'm a little overwhelmed by the sheer number of pies I have my fingers stuck into, but I figure it's only a matter of time before I get used to juggling everything all over again. I used to do a great job at it and I'm pretty sure I can find that girl back. Times like these I wish I had the balls to say 'fuck school' and just strike out on my own because it takes up so much time and there are endless readings always waiting to be read. But one of the most valuable lessons I've learnt in the last couple of years is that if you rush things, you will burn out. So I'm guessing I have to be patient and take it a step at a time. Time to pace myself and not go apeshit and end up exhausted and disillusioned. I learnt that the hard way last year and burned bridges I didn't want to burn as a result and I'm not exactly keen to revisit that experience. Patience... not exactly my strongest virtue, but I will try.

Talking about patience... the last 3ish months have been so hard. Friends who matter enough will know why, and I don't find it necessary to explain what happened to any more people. (So yes, please stop asking.) Enough people know, and enough has been said, I am nothing but thankful for the love and support I have received thus far. It makes the journey easier, but it doesn't make the pain go away. It still hurts- of course it does. As cheesy as it may sound, it really is true what they say about everything being better in time. I don't think it's just the fading of memories that make it better. It's also because of the gradual acceptance as the resentment fades, as the hatred seeps away. But above all, I think the most important thing is that though I floundered, I had people to help me up and fight this with me. And despite the heartache and tears, I think I've learnt and matured more these last 3.5 months than I ever have in my life. There's always something to take away from every painful experience in life. Though I was forced to grow up a lot faster than I would have liked, I am only glad that I didn't have to do it alone.

I'm grateful. Despite everything I've been through.... God never fails. I constantly forget that He has never abandoned me, and I get pissed and bitter and yell at Him, and I scream at Him for being annoying and always letting me fall so hard before picking me up (why not just save everyone the trouble and not let me fall at all, right??) but you know there's really no other way your stubborn ass would have learnt it's lesson. And when everything aligns so perfectly after the most excruciating of times, you really just know that no one else could have done it. No one.

I don't usually pour my heart out on so public a channel, but I just feel like I really need to document this realisation and the state that I am in. I want to remember how this feels like, and if I forget, I want to know how to get it back. Stepping forward is hard. Everyone knows that. Moving on, having the balls to step up- that's difficult. But in the meantime, I want to make sure I don't take any steps back. It may be difficult to move forward, but the least I could do it stay still and not negate all the work and effort by going back to square one.

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and being depressed, because I'm ready to start living again. I'm freaking turning 21. I should be having the time of my life. Not worrying about things beyond my control, things that I shouldn't have to deal with until I'm much older, if ever.

I hope I never have to deal with this ever again.

But for now, I'm ready to start living my life again.

Stronger than ever. And ever so grateful to my friends for picking me up :)

letter to my best friend

Dear A,

Thank you for being you.

I remember the first time I spoke to you, and you actually intimidated me cos you were just… honest and brash and in-your-face. It was hard for people to accept your rather brutal honesty but I loved it, and I secretly wished I could be that way too. I can’t even count the number of friends I made by proxy in JC with you around cos you have this amazing ability to sit down and make conversation with everyone and anyone. Fast forward a year later and we had that silly little fight that made us not talk for 6 months. Looking back now it all seemed so silly, but I guess at that time after losing you-know-who it was too hard to see you happy. It was selfish and stupid and I will always be sorry for being such a pissy, petty retard and for that 6 months that we lost but what matters is that when we really needed each other, it was like we never stopped talking at all and picked up right where we left off.

I doubt I would be the person I am without you. I doubt I would be half as strong as I am now without you. I doubt I would have survived any of that shit that was the past 3 years without you. Every difficult decision I have made with my life, with my career, with stupid boys who are stupid, you have been there every step of the day, picking up the phone at ridiculous hours to listen to me whine and rant and mope about my pathetic life, sob about how much I miss so and so, encouraging me and telling me to be strong and that I am worth so much more, I can do so much better, and keeping my spirits up and the faith strong. Even when you were down and out and I was too selfish to realise that, you gave whatever you had to me even if you didn’t have enough faith in life for yourself anyway.

I know that you’re hurting and I know it’s hard, but I am so so proud of you for finally taking that step and I just hope you know that. Someone like you deserves so much better and you know it and you will find it. And when that day comes I hope I’ll still be around to celebrate with you. I’m not good with comforting words and I can be pretty shitty at trying to be optimistic cos I’ll probably just wind up telling you to kill yourself, but I’m a pretty mean listener and I have a hell of a hug and a shoulder and you know I am always just a phone call and a cab ride away if you need me (even if it means traveling down to Pulau NTU). And I will always be here. Because when I was at a point of my life where I felt like I had lost everything, all I had left was you, and it was more than enough.

I love you tons and tons.

Love, me.

A month ago, I sat in bed watching Crazy/Beautiful with a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats, feeling sorry for myself and wondering when I would find happiness again.

A month later, I sit in bed, still with a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats, but no longer feeling sorry for myself.

It doesn't matter if I'm with someone or if I'm alone, I can always be happy. I have friends who want me around enough to ask me out for retail therapy when they get their heart broken. I have friends who mercilessly make fun of me. I have friends who entertain me on IM in the middle of the night. Recently, more and more so, I'm finding myself loved, and pampered, and I laugh almost all the time.

I'll never be happy enough. I'll always be on the pursuit of happiness.

But right now, I'm happier than I've been in a very, very long while.

My last show for 2009 closes tomorrow, and then I'll probably be taking a quick break before rehearsals start for my next show so here's my annual retrospection post, 2 days early. Happy New Year everyone, hope 2009 was as kickass for you as it was for me, and here's to a good 2010 (:

"I can't wait for 2009. Payback for the hell of a 2008- 2009's gonna be a good year, I can feel it. (:"

- 27th December 2008

Dear 2009,

Wow. That's the only word that my (lack of) grey matter can conjure up to summarise what you've given to me.

A year ago I wrote that 2009 had better kick ass to make up for the hell that was 2008 and boy has it kicked some serious ass. Despite the ups and downs that life will never fail to throw your way, it has been a wonderful year. I would say this has been one of the best years of my life so far in terms of how much fun I had, and in terms of how much I have grown.

Realising that what I wanted was not a typical university education; fighting to pursue my dreams and struggling to prove (to myself more than anything) that this is what I really want; opportunities finding their way to me (for which I am incredible thankful for); seeing doors open before my very eyes despite being but a lowly undergrad. It's so amazing to find myself having a completely manageable time at school despite my significant lack of brain power for the first time in my life. And there has definitely been a higher power at work in terms of the opportunities I've been given in my career this year- the number of steps I've taken upward in less than a year is something I never dreamed of. Working with companies I've never worked with before and screwing up so many times and being humbled and learning so much. I have never been more blessed despite being less appreciative and for that I am grateful.

And I couldn't have done anything without the incredible people that have been there every step of the way, old, new, or sustained. People who never judge or condemn but instead choose to be my source of support and safety net despite our crazy perpetually clashing schedules. People I met only this year but have been there for me nonetheless; my lovely crazy AM3A homies, people from all my productions this year- people who have become family, and people who've been every step of the way.

This year, I made only one resolution- I will not get my heart broken. I had only one resolution, and still I broke it. But I learnt so much- about myself, about people, about manipulation and trust and how to heal. I used to think every heartbreak breaks you a little more, but now I realise it makes you stronger. I lived and I learnt and it's an experience I don't regret.

My eyes have really been opened up to how cruel people can be this year- I realised how little I actually knew about people and the world. I would say the most important thing I've learnt this year is how to choose my battles wisely. The world is not a kind place, but with a little wisdom (and selective ignorance), things become a hell lot more tolerable. It has been a long and hard journey and I don't know what is going to happen next,but whatever it is, I know that it will not take me down and that's all I need to know. Tolerance and patience are not my strong suits, but I have been repeatedly tested this year (and failed many a time) and for that I am infinitely humbled.

I guess my response to 2009 can be summarised with a big fat 'Thank you' to the many people who have made this year fabulous and unforgettable in every way. Here's a tribute to an incredible 2009 , and to a smashing 2010. You certainly have a lot to live up to.

S.

escapism

There are always questions in my head that I resist asking, that I suppress, to keep from being overanalytical and paranoid. But a little voice that lives in my head continually asks in a steady chant, 'What if? What if? What if?'

Btw, much love to everyone who commented or texted after my school-freakout post, it is incredibly reassuring to have people believe in me, thank you (: Also, it has just occurred to me that if everyone in my faculty turns out painfully strange, there's always poptops to meet between classes!