integrity + loyalty

Sometimes, against all reasonable advice, I make super high risk decisions and end up questioning my sanity and every decision I've ever made in my life, but at the end of the day I think my belief in the value of loyalty and integrity trumps logic.

It's been almost a week of nonstop dinners and outings and I desperately need some quiet me down time to unwind and not talk to anyone for a while before I head back to work tomorrow.

As much as I enjoy the festivities and cherish the opportunity to catch up with the people I pretty much see only once a year, the older I get the more I really feel like after the CNY period is over I need a vacation from the holiday season.

I'm becoming more and more of an introvert as I age and I'm honestly not sure if that's a good or bad thing.... But what I know for sure is that superficial socialising doesn't appeal to me anymore!

But above everything I do understand and treasure the family friends that we have and the bond we've built over the years, so no matter how tired or unwilling I will always make the effort to dress up and go visiting because I believe it really is important to stay in touch with the people who have been there for you and your family through the years.

Oh, the eternal struggle between being in my comfort zone vs obligation and the call of duty.

froggy adventures

Every year, my dad buys a bamboo plant in a glass jar to put at my grandmother's house, which still remains our CNY Hq even though she's no longer around.

This year, he picked one not knowing it came with a little extra something.

For some reason, THERE WAS A FROG IN THE JAR??!?!?!!!!!

Dear froggy,

WHY ARE YOU SO TINY AND CUTE??!?!?

It was just a little baby!!!!!

I wanted so much to bring it home and make it my pet frog but my parents refused to let me 😒

My mum said it might be poisonous, it might go missing in the house and then we can't find it, she said it might have some fatal froggy disease that it will then pass to us. Bah!

My dad on the other hand, was more practical. He said I could keep it if I could tell him what I was going to feed it..... And who knows what the heck I'm going to feed a baby frog thats half the size of my thumb so they won this battle :(

So we took it out and went to find somewhere to let it go!

I wanted to find it a pond or aquarium but my dad refused to drive me to botanic gardens at midnight (hahahaha) so I went to scour the area around my grandmother's house.

My mum tried to get me to just release it in a long kang but I refused because I didn't want Froggy to be eaten by a rat or cat!!!!

In the end I found a money plant that was in a pot of water, that had little fishes swimming in it so I released Froggy into the pot.

And Froggy jumped right back out to say bye and let me snap a few pictures before he plopped back into the water.

Never thought I'd ever say this but frogs are really cute!!!!! Froggy was so tiny and kept shivering even though it's cold blooded wtf I think it was scared. Poor Froggy.

But ok I hope Froggy is now happier in its little pot kingdom instead of in a glass pot with chemical liquid :)

I want a pet frog!!!

struggling

It is terribly unsettling to find yourself sobbing your eyes out at 4am with hardly a trigger or much of a legitimate reason to be experiencing this lost-ness when I have not felt the tendrils of powerless and lack of control choking my soul in a very long while

I’m not sure why this week has been so difficult when it is of no particular significance and why I’m feeling like this all of a sudden out of nowhere but jesus, has it been hard.

Someone give me strength.

hello from macau

Day 4 of my 2nd trip of 2014, said goodbye to Hong Kong today and now saying hello from Macau from the boys' apartment.

Surrounded by xbox games and Tamiya cars and the hugest Tamiya track I've ever seen in a tiny apartment, but despite all of that I don't think I've felt this comfortable or this much in my own skin in a really long time.

These days I have no need to pretend, no need to be someone I'm not, I can be exactly who I am and nobody judges me for it. I don't have to be anything I don't feel like I truly am. The future is, as always, uncertain and I don't know where I'll be this time next year but right now, I'm so happy.

Was talking to D yesterday and I shared with her the biggest realisation I made in the last few months, which is that happiness cannot be built around other people. When your happiness depends on nobody but yourself (and for me, on God), the world can crumble and you can lose it all, but you will still find joy in everything. I was never really sure that I believed all of this, until it naturally came from my mouth last night and suddenly everything that people had been saying made sense.

It's truly quite an awesome feeling, and I hope I keep feeling like this.

Grateful and happy, today. :)

random acts of kindness.

Being at the reservoir always clears my head. 

Last night I walked from my place to the reservoir, as I have done many times over. Sat there listening to music, thinking about things. What to do with my life, what I want out of this life. Where my life is going. If that is where I want my life to go. How to be a better person. How to get to where I want to be. 

I lost track of time and at about 2am a 20-something guy tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I was okay. He said it was not normal for a girl to be sitting alone at the reservoir at that hour; he thought I might have been there to kill myself. I laughed. He asked if I needed to talk. 

I ended up pouring my heart out to a complete stranger for the next hour and a half. 

Sometimes it is so much easier to talk to a stranger. No judgement. No preconceived notions. No prior understanding or biasness. 

And he just listened. "I hope you find what you're looking for. It will get better." A smile. And then he walked me to the main road and left. 

I never even got his name. 

Random acts of kindness and humanity.... you never how much they can help. 

There's always someone who cares. 

back again

Whoa it's been exactly a month since I've been back here... time passes crazy fast. This last month has been an insanely intense whirlwind of rushing to finish the zillion final year assignments that somehow popped up alongside my procrastination to drown me together with my thesis, doing a somewhat half-fucked job and no longer caring, juggling that with full-time work as well as my side projects and I'm just glad I survived, to be honest. I have never been more sleep deprived and exhausted, but I'm also really super proud of myself for seeing it all through and not giving up on any of these things halfway.

Most importantly, my little company with D & E pulled off our first production in late April/early May and I can't quite believe we did it and it's over just like that. Sales were a little on the slow side but we got glowing reviews and most importantly, our name got out and I am so so excited for what is to come. This is just the beginning!

Full time work has been just as fulfilling, we kicked off May with 2 back to back concerts and the rest of the year looks like it's gonna be just as busy. I know of so many people who are having trouble finding work or adjusting to working life and I realise that I am so bloody lucky to have been working long enough to have had trouble with neither.

It is at times like these when I truly understand how blessed I am for the people I have around me. For tolerating all my crankiness and snappiness, for all the opportunities and support, for all the prayers I don't even know I am being covered in. Especially my very awesome cell group who constantly text and fb to ask if I'm doing good and tell me they are praying for me even when I miss cell/church because of work. Super blessed!

I know I constantly lament being lonely and not having anyone and how I hate how people move on so easily and how I slowly get phased out of people's lives or prioritized over but at the end of the day, it's not about being busy or being single, but it's about the effort you put in, and whether or not this effort is reciprocated. New friends with more love to give are bound to take the place of those who were never truly there in the first place. And friendships that I know are forever are still holding strong despite distance/time/schedules. And that's all a girl really needs.

My education may have ended, but my learning journey has just begun... and I really cannot wait. Here goes nothing :)

Random gift from dad / Cityscapes / In hopes of love and luck

Scary how 1/4 of the year has just gone by like that. Too fast!

Hello world.

It has been a while since I have written anything substantial. I didn't realise how much the lack of writing had affected me until I recently discovered that I could no longer piece my words together, string my thoughts into comprehensible sentences, find the right words to say everything that was on the tip of my tongue that I could not quite express. Somewhere along the line I lost my ability to write properly, and I turned into one of those people who post tumblr-like photos and random lines from songs and nothing of much value, really.

It is quite sad to see how far I have fallen off the academic track. Don't get me wrong- I like what I am doing and it is in no way easier than anything my more academically-inclined friends are doing in law school, or med school, or business school. If anything, it is probably a lot harder work, but I love production. I love seeing everything come together and I get an unexplainable buzz from watching a show or production or concert that I know I played a part in putting together. Production week is the most exhausting, but it is also the happiest and most fun week in the entire process. But on the other hand I see people stacking up their diplomas and degrees and applying for exchange programmes and masters programmes and I wish I were them for the sole reason that I feel like I need to prove that I could have done that too. And then I think of how disinterested I have become in school as it is despite how it is already arts-related, and I shudder to think of how painful being in a business course or mass comm. course would have been and I thank God that I was bullheaded enough to insist on going to art school.

I am pretty sure at the end of the day when it comes down to survival in the real world I would be a lot more well-adjusted and adapted, but it doesn't stop me from wishing I had a bit more brain. I get that I am not as smart as some other people, but it also gets sickening watching people assume that I am in LASALLE not because I actually genuinely like what I am doing, but because I couldn't have made it somewhere else. And of course, like everyone who claims they could, no one believes me and I feel like maybe I should have just gone the academic route and proved myself there before switching to a more unconventional and non-conformist route. Which would have been nothing but an epic waste of time and money and at the end of the day it would have all been just to give myself an ego trip and to slap it in the faces of naysayers. What an asshole that would have made me.

It is quite sad how I let things like these affect me and make me second-guess the choices I make. I am happy with the direction my life is taking, but I cannot stop this second-guessing in spite of me being 100% sure that this is what I want to do with me life and it really annoys me.

On a separate note, I was thinking about the direction my personal life is taking and I realised that my biggest problem is that I am not happy being happy.

I have never believed in 'deserving' anything. I do not subscribe to the school of thought that says that because I have been a good person, with good intentions, and I work hard to get to where I am right now, I therefore deserve to be here. I do not subscribe to this because life has taught me more than once that karma does not pay. I can work as hard as I want to and I can put in a lot more effort as I should be putting in and at the end of the day, I find myself nowhere near where I am 'supposed', by society's standards, to be. Not because I am not a good enough, or honest enough, or long-suffering enough person, but simply because life sucks that way.

I am not being obstinate- I know enough of the world to know that life doesn’t always go the way you want it to be, and I have stopped wishing for it a long time ago. But for once, just this once, I wish that I could be happy being happy and not be happy with this little nagging feeling at the back of my head that forebodes impending doom.

Wa, so dramatic.

I have a 6-week break from work coming up in a bit, and as much as this spells financial disaster, I am also quite excited for the time off. Things on my to-do list: catch up on sleep, start properly working on my thesis and finish it and finally be done with school, spend some time chilling and getting a nice tan, hit the gym and get my old body back, catch up on my frivolous TV programmes and movies waiting for me in my hard disk, have some time to pamper myself with massages, pedicures, a dye job maybe? Blow the dust off my cameras and do some proper shooting, read my massive stack of books that are still in their shrink wrapping, restring the guitar and maybe start singing again? 6 weeks sounds so long but I am sure it would be over in a flash, and then I graduate and then who knows what happens next.

some random thoughts

1. I am really craving eggs benedict on a bed of smoked salmon with home style fries on the side. Like this.

2. I love my hair right now.

3. Holy shit I'm sleepy.

Off to school!

day and night

sleeping at 6am and waking up at noon / 6 hour marathon meetings

Everyone seems to have such big plans and high hopes for 2012, and I am realising (perhaps a little bit belatedly) that I have many fingers in many pies. Financial crisis? What financial crisis? Business everywhere seems to be booming, which means nothing but ten times more work for me. Not that I am complaining. But at the rate I'm going, I'm gonna need a reeeeeeally long holiday at the end of the year. I just have to keep reminding myself to pace my energy and not burn out halfway.

 Spent the weekend being a nocturnal animal, I must admit I very much prefer being active at night as compared to the day. It is so much quieter, so much cooler and it's generally much less frustrating. I cannot function in the heat and stickiness of day time Singapore- I get put on edge and become all fidgety and awkward. Being alive at night also means plenty of late night heart to hearts with friends... I have so much to think about.

I have many many years ahead of me. Why so serious?

Goodnight cupcakes :) x

"but we have no morals, what"

'Cheerful moping'- that's what Debbie and I did last night over dinner and morally incorrect conversations about the biggest problems in our lives, asking each other 'how?' over and over and yet still managing to spend two-thirds of the time busting our asses laughing.

Because really- despite all that shit, there's still a lot to be grateful for.

It's been a really, really long year.

Thanksgiving weekend

I spent Thanksgiving weekend working and sleeping in in preparation for the next 2 weeks, which are looking to be very very crazy.

I don't usually celebrate Thanksgiving (save for the annual wonderfully delicious dinner at a family friend's, that I didn't make this year :( ), but it's been hell of a year and at the end of the day I've still managed to find enough reason to be thankful. That's pretty incredible.

This year has been both beautiful and painful. For what I've witnessed, everything I've learnt and everything I've lost. One last month to 2011, I am determined to make this year worth everything I've been through so far. Here goes nothing.

Has it really been almost a week since I last posted? Time passes by way too quickly these days.

I have so much to say sometimes I feel like my heart is going to explode. So much on the tip of my tongue but I cannot and will not force them out...

I was having a conversation with D and XX yesterday and we reached a common consensus- 'When you like someone, somehow or another your instinctive reaction is to try your hardest to make that person jealous. It's always the same.' How true, how true.

What to do what to do what to do. Too much to face up to, so much that my heart cannot handle. I promised myself I'd face up to it before the year is up and yet here I am, 5 days away from December and still pretending it does not exist.

Christmas is coming. Wallets are emptied. Happiness is multiplied. Loneliness is amplified.

And it's even worse when the one that you want is so near yet so far.

Hurhurrrrr I sound so melancholic. Life is actually perfectly peachy.

weekend adventures

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some visuals from my weekend, which consisted of: Extremely erratic weather / surprise visit at the office from Xj with the most adorable Hello Kitty balloon in tow / stuffing myself silly at a Korean food tasting / ice cream at midnight / shooting at Marina Barrage with T / burgers and tiramisu and the Arsenal match at Modesto's / losing to D 5-3 at pool / washing her car at 1am as a result / invading Toys R Us to re-live our childhood / Sunset Grill with the classmates to torture ourselves with Level 35 buffalo wings.

I don't think my tummy likes me very much now.

Is it really Monday already? Damn.

bedroom visuals

I've been seriously neglecting my camera lately...

I should either be studying or replying work emails right now but to be honest neither work nor my readings hold any appeal when it's pouring outside and all I want to do is sleep.

Where the hell did time go?

staycation weekend

Some visuals from the weekend:
Marina Bay Sands staycation for 2 nights with the girls, getting upgraded to a suite, night swimming in the freezing rooftop infinity pool, silly games and pillowfights, back to the pool for some tanning in really erratic weather, overpriced lunches, Power 98's Cafe Del Mar foam party, Halloween night at Le Noir.

It was an amazing weekend.

I have the most amazing collections of editorial scans in my Mac that I randomly save when I see things I love, but I have a terrible habit of never keeping track of where they're from. Oops.

Today, Debbie and I appeared at Donna's doorstep at 10 at night with ice cream, chips and popcorn to cheer up the poor girl who had to work on a public holiday. I'm glad we did cos it was more or less the highlight of my day.