Most of the time, in the quest for greatness and glory, in everybody's burning, selfish desire for affirmation, praise and control, they forget that at the end of the day, we, too, are but human.
Enough.
Focus on your own life and your own growth. Stop making sacrifices, stop getting distracted, stop investing in things that have no ROI. Stop giving energy to problems that are not yours. If it cannot be fixed, move on. Do not ever let someone else's mistakes fuck your life up ever again. Do not pay for someone else's mistakes.
Learn. Keep learning.
Love alone is not, and will never be enough. Stop trying to convince yourself otherwise.
Focus on yourself. Focus on your growth. Focus on pushing ahead, not on destroying the obstacles in your path that are not yours to bear.
Leave the speed bumps behind.
Focus.
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Friday, June 23, 2017
Thursday, May 25, 2017
It is so easy to be thrown off balance by the people and happenings and the things I see and hear. When I see things that are truly revolting to me, it culminates in an intense desire to be alone in an attempt to shut the noise out.
I know idealism is naive.
But how difficult can it be to just be nice, and kind, and adhere to a general standard of good-ness? How are some people so hard wired to be cruel and vicious?
I genuinely struggle with how fucked up this world and the people in it are.
I struggle to understand why anyone would hurt children who have absolutely no political, racial or religious agenda. I struggle to understand how violence solves problems. I struggle to understand the logic behind hurting people to make a point. I know as humans we don't always agree with each other's lifestyles or beliefs but how does murder make sense? I struggle to understand the purpose of being distinctly cruel to a fellow human with feelings. I struggle to understand the motivations behind desiring praise for every single thing you do in life. What makes one think one deserves constant recognition more than any other? I struggle to understand the need for loud validation. I struggle to understand helplessness. How do you live with just sitting there wallowing in failure, and feel no motivation to DO SOMETHING? I struggle to understand self-praise, self-importance, self-indulgence. I struggle to understand why people don't value other people as they expect others to value them. I struggle to understand why people choose instant gratification over long term gains. Why giving in to that temptation feels worth it to some people. I struggle to understand the satisfaction derived from being sarcastic and rude to someone's face.
I know I am not perfect. And I understand the struggle which is why I hold to heart every small victory. I find victory every time I successfully manage my temper. Everytime I hold my tongue. Each time I don't cave in to the temptation of getting upset over a low blow personal attack. I find victory in being me and staying me amidst the chaos of the world. And it feels hell of a lot more satisfying than giving in to any of the struggles.
At the same time I cannot help but ask myself if the struggle of doing so is worth it.
It is so, so difficult to not lash back in response to people lashing out. It is so difficult to keep reminding myself that I don't want to be that person. It is so difficult to practice self control when faced with a complete lack of it. It is so difficult to bite back at my instinctive desire to protect myself.
And hardest of all is this -
The daily struggle to quiet the small but insistently brewing hurricane of anxiety, anger and rage that has lived and still lives inside me everyday. The daily struggle to be louder than the voices in my head telling me that I am my rage and my rage is me. The daily struggle to convince the dark side of me that I am better than this, that I can be better than who I am ashamed to naturally, cruelly, be.
Everyday, I struggle between loving myself enough to say 'this is who I am, take it or leave it' vs loving the people around me enough to want to struggle with being a better person, and it is so, so hard.
I know idealism is naive.
But how difficult can it be to just be nice, and kind, and adhere to a general standard of good-ness? How are some people so hard wired to be cruel and vicious?
I genuinely struggle with how fucked up this world and the people in it are.
I struggle to understand why anyone would hurt children who have absolutely no political, racial or religious agenda. I struggle to understand how violence solves problems. I struggle to understand the logic behind hurting people to make a point. I know as humans we don't always agree with each other's lifestyles or beliefs but how does murder make sense? I struggle to understand the purpose of being distinctly cruel to a fellow human with feelings. I struggle to understand the motivations behind desiring praise for every single thing you do in life. What makes one think one deserves constant recognition more than any other? I struggle to understand the need for loud validation. I struggle to understand helplessness. How do you live with just sitting there wallowing in failure, and feel no motivation to DO SOMETHING? I struggle to understand self-praise, self-importance, self-indulgence. I struggle to understand why people don't value other people as they expect others to value them. I struggle to understand why people choose instant gratification over long term gains. Why giving in to that temptation feels worth it to some people. I struggle to understand the satisfaction derived from being sarcastic and rude to someone's face.
I know I am not perfect. And I understand the struggle which is why I hold to heart every small victory. I find victory every time I successfully manage my temper. Everytime I hold my tongue. Each time I don't cave in to the temptation of getting upset over a low blow personal attack. I find victory in being me and staying me amidst the chaos of the world. And it feels hell of a lot more satisfying than giving in to any of the struggles.
At the same time I cannot help but ask myself if the struggle of doing so is worth it.
It is so, so difficult to not lash back in response to people lashing out. It is so difficult to keep reminding myself that I don't want to be that person. It is so difficult to practice self control when faced with a complete lack of it. It is so difficult to bite back at my instinctive desire to protect myself.
And hardest of all is this -
The daily struggle to quiet the small but insistently brewing hurricane of anxiety, anger and rage that has lived and still lives inside me everyday. The daily struggle to be louder than the voices in my head telling me that I am my rage and my rage is me. The daily struggle to convince the dark side of me that I am better than this, that I can be better than who I am ashamed to naturally, cruelly, be.
Everyday, I struggle between loving myself enough to say 'this is who I am, take it or leave it' vs loving the people around me enough to want to struggle with being a better person, and it is so, so hard.
Tuesday, April 18, 2017
settle
/ˈsɛt(ə)l/
verb (used without object), settled, settling.
So often we're told that we should strive for more, work to do better, be better. And we're always told, in hushed tones, like it's the secret to life, or an accusation, that if we don't, we're 'settling'.
But my argument is this since it's an endless race, what's the difference between choosing happiness and contentment now rather than later?
What's so bad about settling, really? Why have we turned something that appears to me as a perfectly okay choice, into something to be used as a basis for judgement of people?
Who's to say I'm not as ambitious as any other person because I 'settle' for choosing happiness over chasing an endless goal? Who's to say I'm any less because my happiness is a priority to me?
When does it end? And if there's never going to be an end to it...... Then what the hell are we chasing?
/ˈsɛt(ə)l/
verb (used without object), settled, settling.
to decide, arrange, or agree
to arrange matters in dispute; come to an agreement
to rest, as from flight
to become calm or composed (often followed by down)
So often we're told that we should strive for more, work to do better, be better. And we're always told, in hushed tones, like it's the secret to life, or an accusation, that if we don't, we're 'settling'.
But my argument is this since it's an endless race, what's the difference between choosing happiness and contentment now rather than later?
What's so bad about settling, really? Why have we turned something that appears to me as a perfectly okay choice, into something to be used as a basis for judgement of people?
Who's to say I'm not as ambitious as any other person because I 'settle' for choosing happiness over chasing an endless goal? Who's to say I'm any less because my happiness is a priority to me?
When does it end? And if there's never going to be an end to it...... Then what the hell are we chasing?
Monday, January 23, 2017
I have been trying to be more Quiet recently.
Complain less. Pick on things less. Nag less. Generally just speak less.
The desired effect was to see if it could make it easier to practice gratitude, that maybe the first step to being less ungrateful is to stop vocalising my ingratitude. That maybe if I stop vocalising it then eventually I will be able to stop thinking it.
But I am not sure if it is having the desired effect. All I feel is suffocated, and I don't think the recent Quietness is coming from a place of restraint, but more from a place of being too tired and having no more fucks left to raise issues.
Which leads me to think that maybe Quietness doesn't work when my head space is still Noisy.
Also I actually don't know if my desire to be Quiet is truly because of a desire to be more grateful, or because I'm being silently passive aggressive and expressing how I'm sick of talking when no one listens. Is self-serving gratitude a thing?
Complain less. Pick on things less. Nag less. Generally just speak less.
The desired effect was to see if it could make it easier to practice gratitude, that maybe the first step to being less ungrateful is to stop vocalising my ingratitude. That maybe if I stop vocalising it then eventually I will be able to stop thinking it.
But I am not sure if it is having the desired effect. All I feel is suffocated, and I don't think the recent Quietness is coming from a place of restraint, but more from a place of being too tired and having no more fucks left to raise issues.
Which leads me to think that maybe Quietness doesn't work when my head space is still Noisy.
Also I actually don't know if my desire to be Quiet is truly because of a desire to be more grateful, or because I'm being silently passive aggressive and expressing how I'm sick of talking when no one listens. Is self-serving gratitude a thing?
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
caught
Too old to have an identity crisis. Too young to have a mid-life crisis.
Too experienced to be hopeful. Too optimistic to be cynical.
Too happy to be sad. Too discontent to be grateful.
Too experienced to be hopeful. Too optimistic to be cynical.
Too happy to be sad. Too discontent to be grateful.
Saturday, December 31, 2016
hello 2017
As I get older it gets harder to truly dedicate time to people - time without the distraction of a mental checklist of errands that need to be run, necessities that need to be bought; time to enjoy days off that aren't half over from fatigue before it even begins, days that aren't cut short by sickness, petty disagreements and senseless fights, or obligations to friends and family.
It becomes impossible to pinpoint a single day that wasn't made of deadline after deadline, whether given without choice or self-imposed.
And yet amidst the rush of life, between work, meals, exhaustion and everything else that comes with growing up, there exists little snippets of joy, love and pure friendship that I've experienced this year.
I'm grateful that the people I hold closest to my heart have stuck by me through it all, putting in effort to keep in touch when I haven't had the capacity to, and understood enough to continue to love me unconditionally when I've been thoroughly undeserving. Thank you all for navigating the madness with me and making 2016 more than just a test of survival, but a very humbling year of learning to discern what's real from what's not.
2016 felt like 10 years and 6 months all at once and I'm not ready for 2017 but if there's anything 2016 has taught me, it's that I'll always find a way to deal and come out on top. Here's to more laughter, good food and travel. Here's to learning to be even tougher in 2017. Here's to true friendship and unconditional love. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
It becomes impossible to pinpoint a single day that wasn't made of deadline after deadline, whether given without choice or self-imposed.
And yet amidst the rush of life, between work, meals, exhaustion and everything else that comes with growing up, there exists little snippets of joy, love and pure friendship that I've experienced this year.
I'm grateful that the people I hold closest to my heart have stuck by me through it all, putting in effort to keep in touch when I haven't had the capacity to, and understood enough to continue to love me unconditionally when I've been thoroughly undeserving. Thank you all for navigating the madness with me and making 2016 more than just a test of survival, but a very humbling year of learning to discern what's real from what's not.
2016 felt like 10 years and 6 months all at once and I'm not ready for 2017 but if there's anything 2016 has taught me, it's that I'll always find a way to deal and come out on top. Here's to more laughter, good food and travel. Here's to learning to be even tougher in 2017. Here's to true friendship and unconditional love. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Friday, June 03, 2016
quarter life crisis
More and more I find that most of the pain I experience is self-inflicted.
Like being tired at work because I stayed up until 4am the night before doing absolutely nothing productive.
Like falling sick because I secretly eat too much crap.
Like not getting well because I take care of people more than myself.
Like feeling inadequate because I allow myself to feel that way.
Like torturing myself by reading your Tumblr over and over again.
I should be happy. Right? I have so much to be thankful for.
But yet I keep finding myself overwhelmed by sadness at the most unexplainable moments, and it sucks me dry and drains me of everything I have. I don't know how to make it stop. And it's getting harder to hide and make up reasons when people ask why I'm quiet, or listless, or sad.
How do you make someone understand the feeling of being not good enough until they've experienced what it means to feel like they're not good enough the same way I do?
You would think I would know better than to let inadequacy and pointless sadness continue to eat me up at the grand ol' age of 25 and 7.5 months but sometimes I feel like I never quite outgrew the pressures of being 16, sitting at the back of the classroom wishing I were
cooler
smarter
more talented
less lazy
prettier
skinnier
more confident
more extroverted
more genuine
less scared.
Like being tired at work because I stayed up until 4am the night before doing absolutely nothing productive.
Like falling sick because I secretly eat too much crap.
Like not getting well because I take care of people more than myself.
Like feeling inadequate because I allow myself to feel that way.
Like torturing myself by reading your Tumblr over and over again.
I should be happy. Right? I have so much to be thankful for.
But yet I keep finding myself overwhelmed by sadness at the most unexplainable moments, and it sucks me dry and drains me of everything I have. I don't know how to make it stop. And it's getting harder to hide and make up reasons when people ask why I'm quiet, or listless, or sad.
How do you make someone understand the feeling of being not good enough until they've experienced what it means to feel like they're not good enough the same way I do?
You would think I would know better than to let inadequacy and pointless sadness continue to eat me up at the grand ol' age of 25 and 7.5 months but sometimes I feel like I never quite outgrew the pressures of being 16, sitting at the back of the classroom wishing I were
cooler
smarter
more talented
less lazy
prettier
skinnier
more confident
more extroverted
more genuine
less scared.
Sunday, May 15, 2016
hello again
A lot has changed since I've been here last.
I suddenly felt the urge to write again tonight. I haven't done this in months and I am glad I still have this space that everybody has forgotten exists, but I don't know how to organise my thoughts and where to begin.
But I guess tonight's feelings can be summed up like this:
Inadequacy is the most terrible feeling.
Reminder to self: stop comparing.
Easier said than done.
I suddenly felt the urge to write again tonight. I haven't done this in months and I am glad I still have this space that everybody has forgotten exists, but I don't know how to organise my thoughts and where to begin.
But I guess tonight's feelings can be summed up like this:
Inadequacy is the most terrible feeling.
Reminder to self: stop comparing.
Easier said than done.
Tuesday, September 01, 2015
Back to basics
I've missed writing. I really have.
Life has changed so much since I've been here last. And I am incredibly, wonderfully happy :)
Funny how the best things happen when you least expect them to, and how fulfilled the simplest of things can make you feel.
As far as milestones go, I think 2015 sits squarely on the top as one of the biggest years of my life as far as my career, development, and just life in general goes.
I don't mean to sound like one of those irritating #blessed people but sometimes I think about how everything has managed to fall into place and how I am so content with the way things are now and I am a little afraid because I don't like feeling like my life has peaked and the only way to go now is down.
But I will stay positive and believe that even better things are in store for me. Because the way things are going now, god I really hope it gets even better than this :)
Life has changed so much since I've been here last. And I am incredibly, wonderfully happy :)
Funny how the best things happen when you least expect them to, and how fulfilled the simplest of things can make you feel.
As far as milestones go, I think 2015 sits squarely on the top as one of the biggest years of my life as far as my career, development, and just life in general goes.
I don't mean to sound like one of those irritating #blessed people but sometimes I think about how everything has managed to fall into place and how I am so content with the way things are now and I am a little afraid because I don't like feeling like my life has peaked and the only way to go now is down.
But I will stay positive and believe that even better things are in store for me. Because the way things are going now, god I really hope it gets even better than this :)
Wednesday, June 03, 2015
"There was a point in time when my mother would pride me on the maturity I showed in relationships. This was before I let my ego become severely bruised by the nonchalance of someone else. On the journey back to finding myself, I learned a few things:
Jealousy has no place in stability. The person you are with is not the person you were with before; do not compare the two. If there is no trust, there is no nurture. Dishonesty is the equivalent of ten steps backwards. Attraction should be rooted in mentality, not merely physicality. Arguing is inevitable - come to peaceful reconciliations. Do not take your partner for granted - there will come a point when enough is truly enough. Most importantly, do not harbor spiteful feelings towards past loves. Thank them for moulding you into your current state and let go. If I could offer one bit of advice, it would be to not measure your relationships in days or months or years. Instead, measure the special bond you have in touch and affection and the ease at which you can be yourself around that other person."
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
hello 2015
2013 was really difficult; my expectations for 2014 were so low. But I am so amazed and incredibly grateful for what a year it's turned out to have been. This year, I've rediscovered friendships, strengthened existing ones, lost some, forged new bonds, seen a lot of ugly but also seen enough beauty to not be embittered, and above it all- I've been wonderfully happy (for the most part).
For being surrounded by people who never stopped believing in me or thought less of me despite the (sometimes frankly terrible) choices that I tend to make. For the friends who stand by me unwaveringly but are not afraid to call me out on my (oftentimes blatant) bullshit, for investing precious time to fix me when they were in no way responsible for breaking me in the first place. For the people who kept my feet firmly on the ground while allowing me to learn to love myself again, and made me want to be a better person by quietly and patiently loving me regardless of how much of an undeserving monster I was.
If you're reading this- thank you for being part of my life and part of a beautiful year, even if it's in the tiniest of ways. I hope in one way or another, I helped make you as happy as you made me this year.
For being surrounded by people who never stopped believing in me or thought less of me despite the (sometimes frankly terrible) choices that I tend to make. For the friends who stand by me unwaveringly but are not afraid to call me out on my (oftentimes blatant) bullshit, for investing precious time to fix me when they were in no way responsible for breaking me in the first place. For the people who kept my feet firmly on the ground while allowing me to learn to love myself again, and made me want to be a better person by quietly and patiently loving me regardless of how much of an undeserving monster I was.
If you're reading this- thank you for being part of my life and part of a beautiful year, even if it's in the tiniest of ways. I hope in one way or another, I helped make you as happy as you made me this year.
Wednesday, July 02, 2014
struggling
It is terribly unsettling to find yourself sobbing your eyes out at 4am with hardly a trigger or much of a legitimate reason to be experiencing this lost-ness when I have not felt the tendrils of powerless and lack of control choking my soul in a very long while
I’m not sure why this week has been so difficult when it is of no particular significance and why I’m feeling like this all of a sudden out of nowhere but jesus, has it been hard.
Someone give me strength.
I’m not sure why this week has been so difficult when it is of no particular significance and why I’m feeling like this all of a sudden out of nowhere but jesus, has it been hard.
Someone give me strength.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
hello 2014.
14 days late, but.
My motto for 2013 was 'work hard, dream big, stay humble, don't be an asshole'. Last year was terribly trying on my limits and patience but I did my best to stick to it. I've been putting off setting one for 2014 cos 2013 ended with so much uncertainty that I didn't dare to think about what I wanted to achieve this year.
I watched The Secret Life of Walter Mitty yesterday and it resonated a lot more than I expected it to; i realised i spent a large part of 2013 being unhappy cos I was afraid of change and scared to leave what was familiar to me. And the few risks I took turned out to be the highlights of my year.
So here's to 2014: 'To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, draw closer, to find each other, and to feel.'
My motto for 2013 was 'work hard, dream big, stay humble, don't be an asshole'. Last year was terribly trying on my limits and patience but I did my best to stick to it. I've been putting off setting one for 2014 cos 2013 ended with so much uncertainty that I didn't dare to think about what I wanted to achieve this year.
I watched The Secret Life of Walter Mitty yesterday and it resonated a lot more than I expected it to; i realised i spent a large part of 2013 being unhappy cos I was afraid of change and scared to leave what was familiar to me. And the few risks I took turned out to be the highlights of my year.
So here's to 2014: 'To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, draw closer, to find each other, and to feel.'
Friday, January 10, 2014
freedom
"We’re all on different rides, but they all end the same way. You do not need somebody else’s love to be whole. You do not need their permission to go on with your life. What you do need is your own love. You need to let yourself go on. Their love isn’t stopping you, because that love doesn’t exist. It is only you who is holding onto what you believe should be. And what you will realize, sooner or later, is that most of your life is defined and chosen by what you compel yourself to believe should or shouldn’t be. Release yourself from the cage you built. You hold the key to your own freedom."
Sunday, November 10, 2013
tiredness.
I honestly don't know how people do it.
I love my job; but the long hours are causing the beginnings of the little stirrings of resentment to form, and I am not sure how I feel about it.
I am tired all the time, physically, mentally. I just feel like I need a little more than a day off at a time to recover from the rest of the week, but life goes on the clock keeps on ticking and everyday is one day closer to opening an incomplete show.
I don't know how some people can work the same hours that I do, then go home, bake cupcakes, clean the house, do their laundry, fall asleep and wake up bright and chirpy for another day of work. I just want to sleep and never wake up and I would pretty much give anything just to have a night's sleep where I don't wake up aching and still feeling unrested.
To be honest I don't think it's my long work hours that is causing the exhaustion, the problem is just that even when I get to sleep, I am not sleeping well. I wake up multiple times a night, have long dreams that dissolve into nightmares, I wake up utterly confused and not sure what actually happened in real life and what happened only in my sleep. I sleep for hours and I wake up and I am just so so tired.
I have no idea why I see and feel so much in my sleep and I can't pinpoint why I wake up physically aching everywhere and it's exhausting, living like this.
I love my job; but the long hours are causing the beginnings of the little stirrings of resentment to form, and I am not sure how I feel about it.
I am tired all the time, physically, mentally. I just feel like I need a little more than a day off at a time to recover from the rest of the week, but life goes on the clock keeps on ticking and everyday is one day closer to opening an incomplete show.
I don't know how some people can work the same hours that I do, then go home, bake cupcakes, clean the house, do their laundry, fall asleep and wake up bright and chirpy for another day of work. I just want to sleep and never wake up and I would pretty much give anything just to have a night's sleep where I don't wake up aching and still feeling unrested.
To be honest I don't think it's my long work hours that is causing the exhaustion, the problem is just that even when I get to sleep, I am not sleeping well. I wake up multiple times a night, have long dreams that dissolve into nightmares, I wake up utterly confused and not sure what actually happened in real life and what happened only in my sleep. I sleep for hours and I wake up and I am just so so tired.
I have no idea why I see and feel so much in my sleep and I can't pinpoint why I wake up physically aching everywhere and it's exhausting, living like this.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Well then.... so much for my resolution to blog more frequently.
I haven't been here in a while, I guess writing more privately has helped cos I tend to write a little more freely.
Life hasn't been all that great lately; my immune system is shit useless, I've been in a downward spiral emotionally for no good reason and I'm generally exhausted and cranky and irritable all the time.
Patience is not a strong suit of mine.
In other news, I turned 23 last week and frankly, getting older scares the shit out of me cos I still have no idea what I want to do with my life, I still have no idea what direction I should take with my career, still have no 5-year or 10-year plan - heck I don't even have a one year plan.
Oh well... one day at a time.
Will be back soon with some happy memories to share. I promise... kind of... maybe?
I haven't been here in a while, I guess writing more privately has helped cos I tend to write a little more freely.
Life hasn't been all that great lately; my immune system is shit useless, I've been in a downward spiral emotionally for no good reason and I'm generally exhausted and cranky and irritable all the time.
Patience is not a strong suit of mine.
In other news, I turned 23 last week and frankly, getting older scares the shit out of me cos I still have no idea what I want to do with my life, I still have no idea what direction I should take with my career, still have no 5-year or 10-year plan - heck I don't even have a one year plan.
Oh well... one day at a time.
Will be back soon with some happy memories to share. I promise... kind of... maybe?
Wednesday, August 07, 2013
Monday, July 29, 2013
please don't give up on me
Torn between wanting to dissolve in a puddle of tears and wanting to stare this hard shit straight in the eye and say that I am stronger than this.
And I choose the latter.
I will face up to my flaws and fears and I will be a better person.
One way or another. Fucking hard or not. I will do this for myself.
And I choose the latter.
I will face up to my flaws and fears and I will be a better person.
One way or another. Fucking hard or not. I will do this for myself.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
meh.
Life can be so very misleading sometimes.... and I need to figure out what I want to do, and do it quick, before everything drowns me.
Some days it just feels like I'm going through the motions, and it feels like I'm not really living, at all.
I'm happy on a really basic level- freelance work is pretty steady, I start a new full time job in a couple of weeks. Things with B are finally back on track after weeks of fighting (I hope), I'm financially doing okay, I'm spending time with my friends and having a social life. I'm saving money and planning ahead and hopefully moving out in a couple of months. But I can't help but feel like I'm stuck in this plateau of a life and I don't quite know how to get out because, in the first place, I don't know what wrong and what's causing this dissatisfaction.
Can't help but feel like so much is a facade and there is nothing I want more than to be genuine about my life.
So, the real question is, WHAT AM I EVEN UNHAPPY ABOUT???
Monday, May 06, 2013
when the going gets tough, lace your shoes up tight and run.
i didn't blog in April at all.
i am so very tempted to give up on everything. career, family, love, God. give up on life, altogether. this urge to run away is growing day by day.
i have too many questions that i cannot answer.
but what i do know, is that i need to find Sylvia circa 2010 back. once upon a time i was sharp, focused, determined, and i could survive on the bare minimum. more than survive, i could find joy. then i became soft, weak, lazy, spoilt, and i have no one to blame but myself for that, really. but then J broke me, and instead of fighting back i just grew to accept rather than conquer the resulting one-dimensionalism, clinginess and insecurity.
enough.
time to toughen the fuck up, sylvia. i will learn to stand back up on my own 2 feet & stop expecting people to be there 24/7 to help pick me up.
the world owes you nothing. nobody is indispensible. & with or without you, life goes on.
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