constant hunger is a terrible feeling.

"He said that he also doesn't want to be this way, but the way he explained it is that it's like constantly being hungry, and that he simply cannot control it. There's nothing he can do about it. And I try to understand, cos constant hunger is a terrible feeling." 

And I understood immediately that desperation, the hunger, the irrational rage when put in this corner; I understand it all too well. 

I am underwater, and I am sinking. I feel the pressure pushing, pushing, feel myself growing desperate for a breath. But no matter how much I kick, how hard I swim, how fast or slow I push - I cannot surface. I cannot breathe. The wetness is everywhere, all at once, it permeates every pore and invades every part of me. It soaks into me and chills me to my bone. There's nowhere to go and no way to escape it. It's everywhere, and I'm drowning. 

I understand what she means despite not understanding a thing about their problems. Because I hunger the same. 

Someone patted me affectionately on the head on Thursday, and I held on to that feeling for 4 full days. 2020 Sylvia would have taken offense at being patted on the head. "Like a puppy?", she would have thought. She would have felt indignant, degraded. Instead, I felt my heart fill. I found myself wishing that it would happen again. I still wish. 

I want to feel like a woman. I want to be taken care of. I want to be protected, I want to be fought for, I want to be treasured. And maybe I no longer want to take offense at being patted on the head. Maybe I no longer want to always be the decision maker, to always be the one who is reliable, and efficient, and strong. I want to be soft. I want to be gentle. I want to be calm, and prioritise peace. I want to feel like a woman. 

But how do you become that when nowhere is safe? When no one sees how desperately I want this? When no one treats you with gentleness? 

It is humiliating to admit how starved I have become, how desperate I am to feel loved. To be touched gently, affectionately. To feel treasured, to feel valued, to feel wanted, to feel needed. To feel noticed not for what I represent, not what I provide, not for my function, but to simply be noticed. To be seen. 

Lucky there's no one here to witness my humiliation. 

Lucky no one pities me for how badly I want this. 

Lucky there's no one. But how desperately I wish there was someone. 

Solitude can serve as a refuge, but loneliness resembles a confinement. I tell everyone I treasure my solitude. Truth is, I'm simply lonely. 

defeated

Most of the time, in the quest for greatness and glory, in everybody's burning, selfish desire for affirmation, praise and control, they forget that at the end of the day, we, too, are but human.

Enough.

Focus on your own life and your own growth. Stop making sacrifices, stop getting distracted, stop investing in things that have no ROI. Stop giving energy to problems that are not yours. If it cannot be fixed, move on. Do not ever let someone else's mistakes fuck your life up ever again. Do not pay for someone else's mistakes.

Learn. Keep learning.

Love alone is not, and will never be enough. Stop trying to convince yourself otherwise.

Focus on yourself. Focus on your growth. Focus on pushing ahead, not on destroying the obstacles in your path that are not yours to bear.

Leave the speed bumps behind.

Focus.

on vulnerability

There is no feeling in this world more terrible than feeling like you're alone in wanting something that is supposed to be wanted together.

I should really learn to start writing when I'm happy, and not just when I'm sad. This space needs to stop being a sad dump.

But that's for another time.

Tonight though.... My heart hurts.

Goodnight world.

I am exhausted.

How selfish is too selfish?

How selfless is too selfless?

Here's some food for thought- if choosing feelessness is selfish, then is choosing to love still selfless... or selfish?

I never expected, in my mid twenties, to still be struggling with the same issues as I did in my teens but really, does anyone ever really shake off the undertow of inadequacy, the burn of unmet expectations, the pressures of not meeting expectations?

Forgiveness is a bitter pill to swallow; is forgiveness selfish, or selfless?

What's the magic age when it finally stops hurting to live?

The highs are too high- the lows too low. When you're young, you're resilient. At 21 I had a rebound rate of 2 seconds. But 5 years later, it's suddenly 2 months after I decided to let my heart breathe again and I am so, so, so very tired.

I find myself resisting the urge to run as far away from you as I can, and even then the questions begin, and remain- why are you resisting? Where does this resistance come from? Why is the urge to run away borne of the same resistance that's telling me to stay? What does it mean? Do you really want me? Do I? What do you want? What do I want?

I think I finally understand why people choose to be cold. And why ice queen behaviour get better and easier with age.

Ice and fire, fire and ice. What's the in between? Lukewarm?

But... nobody wants to be lukewarm.

Right?

head vs heart

Once I loved a man, and he was everything I could ask for in a first love. The highs were terrifyingly high, the lows were crushing. We fought and made up and gave up and tried again and he left me and we moved on and we tried again and it didn't work and we lost touch and we then suddenly we didn't and it was like nothing changed and yet everything remained the same and the highs remained the highest high I've ever been on and the lows got worse than before and then I left him and I swore I would never do it again. 

Once I loved another man, and with him, I learnt to forget what it was like to love for love's sake. I traded passion for security, gave up the pounding hearts and crushing pain for a steady constantness, exchanged the dizzying peaks and heart lurching dips for a unfaltering forward trudge. And my heart grew cold. Until one day I found, that I had no more love for this man.

Then I met you. 

You thawed my frozen heart bit by bit, kindled a fire I forgot was there. You made me learn to love the highs and lows while staying mindful of the changes and staying on the right path despite the oscillations. You taught me to embrace the free fall while staying alert, you gave me unconditional love yet absolute freedom. It brought back a side of me I used to love that I forgot about, only stronger, more mindful, more deliberate, surer, and steadier.

But the pandora's box of life knows no differentiation, it can't tell the difference between love and hate, happiness and sadness, joy and fear. And so with this newfound happiness and freedom that you have given me, you have also brought back the things I forgot were there.

Is love worth it, when it comes at the cost of facing every ghost and demon you've worked so hard to hide all these years? 

"There was a point in time when my mother would pride me on the maturity I showed in relationships. This was before I let my ego become severely bruised by the nonchalance of someone else. On the journey back to finding myself, I learned a few things:

Jealousy has no place in stability. The person you are with is not the person you were with before; do not compare the two. If there is no trust, there is no nurture. Dishonesty is the equivalent of ten steps backwards. Attraction should be rooted in mentality, not merely physicality. Arguing is inevitable - come to peaceful reconciliations. Do not take your partner for granted - there will come a point when enough is truly enough. Most importantly, do not harbor spiteful feelings towards past loves. Thank them for moulding you into your current state and let go. If I could offer one bit of advice, it would be to not measure your relationships in days or months or years. Instead, measure the special bond you have in touch and affection and the ease at which you can be yourself around that other person."

want vs need

“There’s that word again. Need. I need you. I need you to need me. How nauseating, to need another human being, as if their heart is in your throat. Love isn’t about need. Don’t romanticize the notion of desperation. Let me let you in on a secret: you don’t need me and I don’t need you. We can get through life just fine without each other. Love is not wanting to. We want each other, we want skin and hands and all our daily scars. We want intoxication and art museums and intertwined limbs. We want ferocity in our lips and tracing slow, small circles on our stomachs. I don’t need you in my life, but goddamn I want you in it.”

Love is a choice

The truth is that the more intimately you know someone, the more clearly you’ll see their flaws. That’s just the way it is. This is why marriages fail, why children are abandoned, why friendships don’t last. You might think you love someone until you see the way they act when they’re out of money or under pressure, or hungry. Love is something different. Love is choosing to serve someone and be with someone in spite of their filthy, filthy heart. Love is patient and kind, love is deliberate. Love is hard. Love is pain and sacrifice, it’s seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship.

Love is… feeling safe, despite having absolutely no reason to.

fearless, but not careless

‘I’m not afraid of losing you,’ I say. 'Sad, yes. But I don’t fear it.’

You question my indifference.

'I must not mean very much to you, then’, you say.

In the frozen fragments of time between consciousness and slumber and back again, I find myself staring unblinking at the whitewashed ceiling as I have for the last 6 hours, and the same question ticks and tocks back and forth in my head. Steady and unwavering, never stopping, keeping time with the hourglass growing heavy in my heart, gently burying us beneath the sandy call of responsibility, promise, duty and family.

And as suddenly as the dawn spills into darkness, I understand- fear is anchored by uncertainty. Fear stems from instability, it sprouts from doubt.

You and I? We don’t stand a chance in this universe. This conclusion is certain. Definite. Doubtless.

And this is why the opposite of fear isn’t courage, or bravery, or fearlessness, even.

The opposite of fear is love. Unconditional, certain, absolute love. Unmovable. Unshakeable.

'I’m not afraid of losing you,’ I say.

Perhaps in a parallel universe, the sands of time would fall differently for you and I.

4am musings

Define wariness.

How do you stop your heart from thawing when you keep seeing gestures of absolute selflessness, gentleness, patience and kindness from an individual you’ve both established you can never spend your life with, and this, despite already acknowledging that there is nothing either one of you is able to do to change the situation? How do you stop the affection, the deep, warm ache from the very core of your being, determined, to find their way into your frozen heart?

How do you force yourself to swallow the bittersweet words that threaten to spill from the tip of your tongue, how do you stave away the resentment of finally finding someone who fits every fractured edge and broken fragment of your tired soul, of finding someone capable of piecing together your shattered self-esteem, and knowing you cannot have them?

I can’t decide if being human and allowing your heart to be open and allowing yourself to feel (and consequentially, to hurt) is a better form of self-preservation, or if simply closing up your heart and mind and life would be a more effortless, straightforward approach to shutting out any further damage.

I suppose it depends on what you choose to preserve. Your empty heart, or your bursting soul.

Y

he's helped me be more patient.
he tempers my anger, he's the water to my fire.
he makes me more thoughtful, less reckless.
he makes me want to be more gentle.
i feel stronger, more capable, prettier, smarter.
he appreciates my efforts and sees all the small things i do.
he makes me less materialistic.
he makes me laugh all the time.

he makes me want to be a better person.

but he's not you.

and maybe that's what it's about, maybe it's about finding someone who makes you better, not about finding someone that you desperately want. maybe it's about finding someone who gives you the steadiness, constantness and security you need, and who you can give it back to in return. maybe love that lasts isn't love that is borne from burning passion, from a gnawing need for the person, but one borne from trust, understanding, comfort, and above everything, immense patience.

freedom

"We’re all on different rides, but they all end the same way. You do not need somebody else’s love to be whole. You do not need their permission to go on with your life. What you do need is your own love. You need to let yourself go on. Their love isn’t stopping you, because that love doesn’t exist. It is only you who is holding onto what you believe should be. And what you will realize, sooner or later, is that most of your life is defined and chosen by what you compel yourself to believe should or shouldn’t be. Release yourself from the cage you built. You hold the key to your own freedom."

at christmas you tell the truth

Favourite scene from my favourite holiday movie. 

I'm not sure who even still reads this anymore, but anyhow I'm glad this space exists for rare occasions like now when I am too lazy to journal but still have thoughts floating about my mind that need housekeeping. 

My life feels like a total contradiction at the moment. On the surface, I have never been in a better position- my year end payments have all been paid off and I'm not broke yet, my finances have finally stabilised, I made the biggest career milestone in my life and called my first full circus show and I am pretty proud of myself. I flunked my driving but I've rebooked my TP and I'm quite confident I will pass it the second time around. Friends I've always known are in for the long haul still make an effort to be part of my life despite the busyness, I've been managing my time well and making sure that I spend time with each of my groups of friends in my time off. The rest of my life is finally really beginning and I'm truly feeling like a responsible adult for the first time instead of feeling like a child playing House and acting like a grown up without actually knowing what being grown up means. Superficially everything else seems to be fine and dandy, but emotionally I'm so exhausted that it feels like my life is a total mess when in fact, it's not. 

I get that relationships are hard but they shouldn't have to be this hard. I've just come to a point where I feel so utterly spent that I just want somebody to tell me exactly what to do, and I will just execute whatever I'm told no questions asked. 

Decision making has always been my forte. Until it comes to myself, that is. 

This constant thinking and contemplating and cracking my head for a better approach to things is causing utter mental destruction; I find myself really slowing down mentally, losing the foresight that I've always been so proud of possessing, losing my alertness and sharpness, blanking out for seconds at a time and taking longer and longer for my brain to register stuff that would otherwise come naturally. 

Sometimes I really wish I could shut my brain off but you are the one constant running through my head and I'm so exhausted. I wish I could just fast forward to the part where it gets easier, or pause everything and let myself breathe for a bit, or as a last ditch attempt, just erase every last memory of you so this constant shittiness can finally pass. But life doesn't work that way, and instead of being bitter about it I'm just resigning myself to the constant mental and emotional exhaustion. 

I really, really, really need a holiday. Or maybe I just need to up and disappear, find a new life elsewhere. Somewhere I can be anyone I want to, somewhere I can make up a life story for myself to tell, somewhere nobody knows enough about me to let my past affect the future. Somewhere I can be who I want to be instead of constantly needing to pay for the mistakes that I once made but somehow will never be forgiven for. 

The hope of finally being able to find peace through those means, is so very tempting. 

Love without agenda or expectation- oh what I wouldn't give. The best kind of love to receive. The kind of love that nobody deserves. The most touching and selfless form of love that exists. The sweetest love to possess. 

Unfortunately, then reality kicks in and societal pressures are applied and love, simply isn't enough anymore. 

5 more days to the end of the year. 5 more days to make 2013 count. 

Merry Christmas, everyone. 

Be with someone who challenges you,
Who you can have conversations about both scholarly matters, and the goofiest nonsense with.
Be with one who makes you grow,
Who makes you a better you.

my favourite.

it shouldn't be this hard

6 years later

Always have, always will. 

almost a year older but still struggling to move on.

Forget yourself.

Forget who you are when you are with him. Forget the unwilling relationship he had imposed on you, leave all the traces of his negativity behind you. Forget how happy he made you feel, likewise remember how stupid you felt when you believed him. Forget being forgiving, how he was the only person to have broken your trust more than enough times and yet, stick to him undeservingly so. Forget being noble, for sticking to a person who doesn’t deserve you. For thinking that maybe you both could do good in each other’s lives. Forget being idealistic, how he managed to corrupt your mind that something can overcome all trivialities: something called love (platonic or otherwise). Forget being mad and mean, a consequence of being in a place wrought out of lies.

Forget who you are when you are with him and find yourself in a place rid of any trace of him. Forget everything and start in a better place.

(Source)

you.

What happens when the only one you really want is the one you can't have?