"He still loves you. He asks about you all the time."
"You know that time you said- that if he came back for you would probably not be able to stop yourself from taking him back... can you don't? I'm not like judging or anything, but as your friend I mean like... can you just please don't?"
"Are you okay with it now? I mean I know you're fine and everything but are you like, okay okay?"
"You have a wall. It's... it took me quite a while to break past that wall. To really get to you."
"You know it's really hard to find someone who loves you so much he will do anything, absolutely anything, for you right?"
"He lied to you for 6 solid months. Can you please remember that."
"You've shut down. I don't think you'll be okay until you meet someone who makes you want to fall in love again. Then you'll be very not-okay. But after that you'll be okay."

My friends want nothing but the best for me, but what exactly is the best for me? I am so sick of talking about it and I feel guilty making people listen to me talk about it. So I stop. Shutting it out isn't the problem. The problem is when I am eventually forced to face it. But even after 6 months, I still can't deal.

It's amazing how you look at things so differently after something major happens in your life.

It's been 4 and a half months since you've been gone. It's been the most traumatizing 4 months of my life- I've self-destructed and made the most irrational and seemingly impossible pledges and vows and bets (which I am still winning), I've gone hysterical and gone zen and back to what felt like normal and then apeshit-zen-normaled all over again, I've gone promiscuous and puritan and feminist and reliant and now everything's finally over and at the end of the day, I'm here and I look at the pieces left and I don't even know where to start piecing it back together. I don't even know where the pieces are cos I've just abandoned them and started again. It's like my life has changed completely in 4 months- I've never been closer to my parents, I'm taking school a bit more seriously now, my career path has completely changed, my future has completely gone bonkers, off track, back on track, and then changed tracks completely. The people I thought I were closest to in school vanished from my life completely, instead people who've always remained sort of... in the shadows just being quietly supportive became the people I completely relied on. At my downest and outest the people who were there for me weren't the ones I thought would be there, and the people who I thought would be there just bailed completely. And I am thankful for all of that. But it doesn't matter. For one, I know nothing will ever break me again. I know everyone says this after every breakup or whatever but I honestly think this case is... different (lol, if only half the people reading this had the slightest clue what I'm talking about). I've never been so lost or helpless, and I swear I'll never be like that again, ever. I've learnt so much and I'm really thankful. But that's not the point of this post.

The point of the post is this: a month ago, for the first time since J left me, I liked someone- like REALLY liked someone. I didn't think it would happen so soon- but the strange part was I didn't even feel a need to rush things. That was one. It was weird. I just felt like I had all the time in the world. I didn't want to fall in love, I was just content to like him and get to know him first. That's really strange because if you knew me well enough you'd know I used to want every guy I like to instantly fall in love with me and marry me NOW. So we've been talking every single day every single waking moment for about a month and flirting outrageously, and then today he told me that last night, he got together with this other girl. And whereas usually I would usually be really emo and upset, I was like ah bummer oh well. And that was it. It's not that I didn't really like him enough- Debbie and Donna and Edlyn and Nicole will testify to my endless gushing. But disappointment didn't hit. It was a okay-not-meant-to-be, chin-up-and-move-on moment. And I felt... fine.

The same thing happened with my show. I was really upset about the cancellation at first when it looked like things could still be salvaged. But once it became clear that it was over, I snapped right into: okay, damage control, and then close the case and plan forward. And the aching disappointment vanished.

I'm not sure what changed- maybe it's the fact that after something really major and earth shattering happens to you, everything gets put into perspective and disappointments become less disappointing because it's not as bad in comparison. Or maybe it's the fact that after having to make the hugest heart-vs-head decision I've made in my life so far and forcing myself to choose the logical, rational choice that caused me to lose everything, I've become more able to separate emotion from rationality and go with what's smart and good for me.

But it doesn't matter what the change is. I'm just grateful it happened. It changed my life. Talk about a turning point. I'm not sure what J thinks about this- maybe he'd feel betrayed that my life became better because of this, that I am seeing the silver lining in the cloud because he's still stuck in the cloud. But I hope he's learnt from this too. And I hope he learns good and it changes his life too. Then this wouldn't have been a waste. And if it does change his life, then I hope he realises it. He may or may not see it now, but what happened may perhaps be the best thing that has ever happened in our lives. And I hope he sees it and has the strength to be grateful.

I hate how the pain and depression hits at the most unexpected of times.

Today was a good day. Photoshoot for my first show is done, venue is booked, XXXXX XXXXX Entertainment is established as of 1st September 2011. Yep, I am officially a partner in my own company. Freaky.

Then I came home, and out of nowhere I had this sudden urge to go to his abandoned Facebook profile, log in, delete all his profile pictures of me, change his relationship status back to single, and then burst into tears. Again. I felt better after doing it, but I also felt... worse.

I was at TOPH and a certain bar and bistro in the area today, and that was it. I avoid places we've been to, I avoid things we've done, I avoid places with the best memores and the most happiness. But I was forced to be there today and it was too much. The memories, how everything screamed his name. Cue panic attack and inability to breathe.

And that was when I realised- I really, really want to escape this. No fuck want, I need to move on. People say better to have loved and lost? Fuck that. I wish I had never met you. I really, from the bottom of my heart, sincerely do. I would trade all he happiness I felt with you to not feel this miserable and misunderstood.

I didn't know jackshit. Forget my own pain- but having people judge me based on what you did? That's where the real pain comes from. I can not tell anyone what happened to protect you and let people think I'm also the one at fault, that I'm the bad one, that I was a part of everything. No problem. I can hide all the pain and emotional fuckery, no problem. No one even realises that I'm hurting anymore. But it still hurts, and it hurts like a motherfucking bitch. But when it comes to a point where I feel physically ill from the memories, it has got to stop. I need to stop being frozen when something reminds me of him, I need to look past all the memories, all the betrayal, all the hurt and resentment. I keep saying it, and I know what I need to do, and I really really am trying. But I'm moving forward so slowly and making so little progress and when I decide to do something drastic to try and move on (like what I just did) the pain is so fresh and searing.

Why did you do this to me, why did you do this to someone you claim to love? You lied and you lied and you lied some more and at the end of the day the one who is drowning in it is me. Do you know how fucking traumatised I am? How painful this is? Do you understand why I keep drowning myself in more and more and more work?

Nope. You thought of no one but yourself. So it's time I started thinking about no one but myself.

Fuck this fuck you fuck everything we shared.

"I hated myself for going, why couldn't I be the kind of person who stays?"
— Jonathan Safran Foer (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close)

I ask myself questions like this and lament the fact that I don't have enough belief in a person's will to change to stay, but then at the same time I promise myself I will not stay because I cannot afford to have the weight of what you have done weigh me down, all without realising that the very fact that I have found myself unable to move an inch in the last 3 months is proof of my inherent subconscious belief that someday you will change, you will learn from the trials of life, and that at the end of the day I want to be there for you no matter what.

But even if I haven't been able to walk away, the point is that I want to. And that says everything. There's too much spoken, too much unspoken and too much heartache and betrayal between then and now and at the end of the day I am a selfish creature and I am sorry.

save tonight
we'll fight the break of dawn
come tomorrow


before we know it I'll be gone.

iridescent
linkin park

when you were standing in the wake of devastation
when you were waiting on the edge of the unknown
with the cataclysm raining down, insides crying save me now
you were there and possibly alone.

and in the burst of light that blinded every angel
as if the sky had blown the heavens into stars
you felt the gravity of temper grace falling into empty space
no one there to catch you in their arms

do you feel cold and lost in desperation
you build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known
remember all the sadness and frustration
and let it go, let it go.

She may not be able to tell you how it hurt, she may still be blaming herself for a million things that aren’t her fault, but know that it’s true. Know that you took someone who was willing to put their faith in others and taught them to be wary and cold. Know that one day, she will find someone who loves her the way she deserves to be loved, and she will have the kind of happiness she deserves. But please know, most of all, that when she has those wonderful things–it will be in spite of you.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/to-the-one-who-broke-her-heart

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love
They keep me breathless
I can’t help feeling

We could have had it all.

It’s been a very trying time.

My sister sent me a verse as encouragement yesterday. Today, I decide to visit Lj for the first time in ages, and one of my friends posted the exact same verse.

Psalm 46
1 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
7 The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Coincidence? I think not. Affirmation? Definitely.

Thank You God. Despite everything… thank You. For your grace and mercy, for giving me the strength to have come this far, and for not abandoning your child in her time of need though she is flawed. Thank You for your sustenance, and thank You for your providence in my time of need.

Never been more grateful.