on vulnerability

There is no feeling in this world more terrible than feeling like you're alone in wanting something that is supposed to be wanted together.

Once a fight begins, it's almost impossible to stop it. People who love each other know exactly which old wounds to reopen to start a fight that accelerates out of control, until no amount of apologies or backtracking can stop it.

disquietude

I suppose in the wake of a lengthy, honest talk, I should be feeling relief, the easing of this knot of anxiety in my gut.

But instead all I feel is uncertainty and... ambivalence?

Now that it's out there, there are no more excuses I can make for you, no more maybes, no more benefit of the doubt.

And in the wake of this ongoing apathy on your part, I'm terrified that all that will be left to do would be to walk away.

quarter life crisis

More and more I find that most of the pain I experience is self-inflicted.

Like being tired at work because I stayed up until 4am the night before doing absolutely nothing productive.
Like falling sick because I secretly eat too much crap.
Like not getting well because I take care of people more than myself.
Like feeling inadequate because I allow myself to feel that way.

Like torturing myself by reading your Tumblr over and over again.

I should be happy. Right? I have so much to be thankful for.

But yet I keep finding myself overwhelmed by sadness at the most unexplainable moments, and it sucks me dry and drains me of everything I have. I don't know how to make it stop. And it's getting harder to hide and make up reasons when people ask why I'm quiet, or listless, or sad.

How do you make someone understand the feeling of being not good enough until they've experienced what it means to feel like they're not good enough the same way I do?

You would think I would know better than to let inadequacy and pointless sadness continue to eat me up at the grand ol' age of 25 and 7.5 months but sometimes I feel like I never quite outgrew the pressures of being 16, sitting at the back of the classroom wishing I were

cooler
smarter
more talented
less lazy
prettier
skinnier
more confident
more extroverted
more genuine
less scared.

head vs heart

Once I loved a man, and he was everything I could ask for in a first love. The highs were terrifyingly high, the lows were crushing. We fought and made up and gave up and tried again and he left me and we moved on and we tried again and it didn't work and we lost touch and we then suddenly we didn't and it was like nothing changed and yet everything remained the same and the highs remained the highest high I've ever been on and the lows got worse than before and then I left him and I swore I would never do it again. 

Once I loved another man, and with him, I learnt to forget what it was like to love for love's sake. I traded passion for security, gave up the pounding hearts and crushing pain for a steady constantness, exchanged the dizzying peaks and heart lurching dips for a unfaltering forward trudge. And my heart grew cold. Until one day I found, that I had no more love for this man.

Then I met you. 

You thawed my frozen heart bit by bit, kindled a fire I forgot was there. You made me learn to love the highs and lows while staying mindful of the changes and staying on the right path despite the oscillations. You taught me to embrace the free fall while staying alert, you gave me unconditional love yet absolute freedom. It brought back a side of me I used to love that I forgot about, only stronger, more mindful, more deliberate, surer, and steadier.

But the pandora's box of life knows no differentiation, it can't tell the difference between love and hate, happiness and sadness, joy and fear. And so with this newfound happiness and freedom that you have given me, you have also brought back the things I forgot were there.

Is love worth it, when it comes at the cost of facing every ghost and demon you've worked so hard to hide all these years? 

Every day:

I crave your touch, your hugs, your kisses
I yearn to be in your arms
I miss your face, your voice, your warmth
I am grateful for the joy you bring, for your light in the shadows
I appreciate how fiercely protective you are
I am thankful for your undivided attention
I am blessed by your unwavering, and unconditional love
I see you in my dreams at night and I wake wanting more
I fall asleep aching for the touch of your skin against mine and I wake missing you

This inexplicable force that draws me to you like a moth to a flame- you burn bright, and I go up in flames. But I belong to you. I belong in your embrace and my soul belongs to yours.

I want to be yours
I want to be part of your world
I want to BE your world
I want to be all you think about
I want to be your favourite hi and hardest goodbye.

I want you
I want this
I want us.