4am musings

Define wariness.

How do you stop your heart from thawing when you keep seeing gestures of absolute selflessness, gentleness, patience and kindness from an individual you’ve both established you can never spend your life with, and this, despite already acknowledging that there is nothing either one of you is able to do to change the situation? How do you stop the affection, the deep, warm ache from the very core of your being, determined, to find their way into your frozen heart?

How do you force yourself to swallow the bittersweet words that threaten to spill from the tip of your tongue, how do you stave away the resentment of finally finding someone who fits every fractured edge and broken fragment of your tired soul, of finding someone capable of piecing together your shattered self-esteem, and knowing you cannot have them?

I can’t decide if being human and allowing your heart to be open and allowing yourself to feel (and consequentially, to hurt) is a better form of self-preservation, or if simply closing up your heart and mind and life would be a more effortless, straightforward approach to shutting out any further damage.

I suppose it depends on what you choose to preserve. Your empty heart, or your bursting soul.

hello from macau

Day 4 of my 2nd trip of 2014, said goodbye to Hong Kong today and now saying hello from Macau from the boys' apartment.

Surrounded by xbox games and Tamiya cars and the hugest Tamiya track I've ever seen in a tiny apartment, but despite all of that I don't think I've felt this comfortable or this much in my own skin in a really long time.

These days I have no need to pretend, no need to be someone I'm not, I can be exactly who I am and nobody judges me for it. I don't have to be anything I don't feel like I truly am. The future is, as always, uncertain and I don't know where I'll be this time next year but right now, I'm so happy.

Was talking to D yesterday and I shared with her the biggest realisation I made in the last few months, which is that happiness cannot be built around other people. When your happiness depends on nobody but yourself (and for me, on God), the world can crumble and you can lose it all, but you will still find joy in everything. I was never really sure that I believed all of this, until it naturally came from my mouth last night and suddenly everything that people had been saying made sense.

It's truly quite an awesome feeling, and I hope I keep feeling like this.

Grateful and happy, today. :)

hope

secrets

One of the things that compels me to write is that my mind is huge with all these little stories, with no one to tell.

Y

he's helped me be more patient.
he tempers my anger, he's the water to my fire.
he makes me more thoughtful, less reckless.
he makes me want to be more gentle.
i feel stronger, more capable, prettier, smarter.
he appreciates my efforts and sees all the small things i do.
he makes me less materialistic.
he makes me laugh all the time.

he makes me want to be a better person.

but he's not you.

and maybe that's what it's about, maybe it's about finding someone who makes you better, not about finding someone that you desperately want. maybe it's about finding someone who gives you the steadiness, constantness and security you need, and who you can give it back to in return. maybe love that lasts isn't love that is borne from burning passion, from a gnawing need for the person, but one borne from trust, understanding, comfort, and above everything, immense patience.

alone, but never lonely.

do whatever just to stay alive

There's a rhythm in rush these days

Where the lights don't move and the colors don't fade

Leaves you empty with nothing but dreams

In a world gone shallow

In a world gone lean

Sometimes there's things a man cannot know

Gears won't turn and the leaves won't grow

There's no place to run and no gasoline

Engine won't turn

And the train won't leave

Engines won't turn and the train won't leave

I will stay with you tonight

Hold you close 'til the morning light

In the morning watch a new day rise

We'll do whatever just to stay alive

We'll do whatever just to stay alive

Well the way I feel is the way I write

It isn't like the thoughts of the man who lies

There is a truth and it's on our side

Dawn is coming

Open your eyes

Look into the sun as the new days rise

And I will wait for you tonight

You're here forever and you're by my side

I've been waiting all my life

To feel your heart as it's keeping time

We'll do whatever just to stay alive

But there is a truth and it's on our side

Dawn is coming open your eyes

Look into the sun as a new days rise