goodbye

In the very core of me being I know I am doing the right thing.





So why does it feel like I am leaving my heart behind?

If being loved is all that anybody wants, then I am, by my own hand, a terrible human being who doesn't deserve to be loved.

lesson of the day

"Do not invest in another, more than they are willing to invest in themselves."

Today I very nearly almost did, but I remembered a vow I made to myself a few years ago, never to build anyone up at my own expense ever again.

I should not be fighting harder than you are for your interests.

I should not sacrifice myself to build you up.

And I will not.

I'm not sure how I feel right now.

I cannot help but feel the stirrings of resentment that I've mentioned before that I think eventually this will tear us apart and I still feel like there is so little effort made.

But I also don't lash out anymore.

Maybe over time I truly care less and less.

Again, not sure how I feel about this.

Cranial nebula

Repetition changes nothing.

It hurts more, yet less each time.

Determination is a strong suit of mine but at the end of the day, I still get hit by the same landslide of insignificance into this brick wall of inadequacy. Over and over. Someone show me the point in trying so hard?

The only constant is what work erases. Time passes so quick when life gets hectic. Busy is good. Exhaustion is better.

What am I fighting for? You would think immense desire would be reason enough to fight for what you want, but-

Always a but.

So drained tonight.

2 steps forward, 5 steps back.

fearless, but not careless

‘I’m not afraid of losing you,’ I say. 'Sad, yes. But I don’t fear it.’

You question my indifference.

'I must not mean very much to you, then’, you say.

In the frozen fragments of time between consciousness and slumber and back again, I find myself staring unblinking at the whitewashed ceiling as I have for the last 6 hours, and the same question ticks and tocks back and forth in my head. Steady and unwavering, never stopping, keeping time with the hourglass growing heavy in my heart, gently burying us beneath the sandy call of responsibility, promise, duty and family.

And as suddenly as the dawn spills into darkness, I understand- fear is anchored by uncertainty. Fear stems from instability, it sprouts from doubt.

You and I? We don’t stand a chance in this universe. This conclusion is certain. Definite. Doubtless.

And this is why the opposite of fear isn’t courage, or bravery, or fearlessness, even.

The opposite of fear is love. Unconditional, certain, absolute love. Unmovable. Unshakeable.

'I’m not afraid of losing you,’ I say.

Perhaps in a parallel universe, the sands of time would fall differently for you and I.

4am musings

Define wariness.

How do you stop your heart from thawing when you keep seeing gestures of absolute selflessness, gentleness, patience and kindness from an individual you’ve both established you can never spend your life with, and this, despite already acknowledging that there is nothing either one of you is able to do to change the situation? How do you stop the affection, the deep, warm ache from the very core of your being, determined, to find their way into your frozen heart?

How do you force yourself to swallow the bittersweet words that threaten to spill from the tip of your tongue, how do you stave away the resentment of finally finding someone who fits every fractured edge and broken fragment of your tired soul, of finding someone capable of piecing together your shattered self-esteem, and knowing you cannot have them?

I can’t decide if being human and allowing your heart to be open and allowing yourself to feel (and consequentially, to hurt) is a better form of self-preservation, or if simply closing up your heart and mind and life would be a more effortless, straightforward approach to shutting out any further damage.

I suppose it depends on what you choose to preserve. Your empty heart, or your bursting soul.

Y

he's helped me be more patient.
he tempers my anger, he's the water to my fire.
he makes me more thoughtful, less reckless.
he makes me want to be more gentle.
i feel stronger, more capable, prettier, smarter.
he appreciates my efforts and sees all the small things i do.
he makes me less materialistic.
he makes me laugh all the time.

he makes me want to be a better person.

but he's not you.

and maybe that's what it's about, maybe it's about finding someone who makes you better, not about finding someone that you desperately want. maybe it's about finding someone who gives you the steadiness, constantness and security you need, and who you can give it back to in return. maybe love that lasts isn't love that is borne from burning passion, from a gnawing need for the person, but one borne from trust, understanding, comfort, and above everything, immense patience.