inexplicable

Every now and then I hear something that reminds me of us, and in that fraction of time I forget how exceedingly destructive we were for each other and the little scraps of me that still inexplicably belong to you misses you, so very much.

maybe we're just really not meant to be

You and me v2.0, still met with failure.

I have no more words, no more tears, no more strength.

I love you, goodbye.

at christmas you tell the truth

Favourite scene from my favourite holiday movie. 

I'm not sure who even still reads this anymore, but anyhow I'm glad this space exists for rare occasions like now when I am too lazy to journal but still have thoughts floating about my mind that need housekeeping. 

My life feels like a total contradiction at the moment. On the surface, I have never been in a better position- my year end payments have all been paid off and I'm not broke yet, my finances have finally stabilised, I made the biggest career milestone in my life and called my first full circus show and I am pretty proud of myself. I flunked my driving but I've rebooked my TP and I'm quite confident I will pass it the second time around. Friends I've always known are in for the long haul still make an effort to be part of my life despite the busyness, I've been managing my time well and making sure that I spend time with each of my groups of friends in my time off. The rest of my life is finally really beginning and I'm truly feeling like a responsible adult for the first time instead of feeling like a child playing House and acting like a grown up without actually knowing what being grown up means. Superficially everything else seems to be fine and dandy, but emotionally I'm so exhausted that it feels like my life is a total mess when in fact, it's not. 

I get that relationships are hard but they shouldn't have to be this hard. I've just come to a point where I feel so utterly spent that I just want somebody to tell me exactly what to do, and I will just execute whatever I'm told no questions asked. 

Decision making has always been my forte. Until it comes to myself, that is. 

This constant thinking and contemplating and cracking my head for a better approach to things is causing utter mental destruction; I find myself really slowing down mentally, losing the foresight that I've always been so proud of possessing, losing my alertness and sharpness, blanking out for seconds at a time and taking longer and longer for my brain to register stuff that would otherwise come naturally. 

Sometimes I really wish I could shut my brain off but you are the one constant running through my head and I'm so exhausted. I wish I could just fast forward to the part where it gets easier, or pause everything and let myself breathe for a bit, or as a last ditch attempt, just erase every last memory of you so this constant shittiness can finally pass. But life doesn't work that way, and instead of being bitter about it I'm just resigning myself to the constant mental and emotional exhaustion. 

I really, really, really need a holiday. Or maybe I just need to up and disappear, find a new life elsewhere. Somewhere I can be anyone I want to, somewhere I can make up a life story for myself to tell, somewhere nobody knows enough about me to let my past affect the future. Somewhere I can be who I want to be instead of constantly needing to pay for the mistakes that I once made but somehow will never be forgiven for. 

The hope of finally being able to find peace through those means, is so very tempting. 

Love without agenda or expectation- oh what I wouldn't give. The best kind of love to receive. The kind of love that nobody deserves. The most touching and selfless form of love that exists. The sweetest love to possess. 

Unfortunately, then reality kicks in and societal pressures are applied and love, simply isn't enough anymore. 

5 more days to the end of the year. 5 more days to make 2013 count. 

Merry Christmas, everyone. 

Photo diary: Taiwan 2013

This space has lain dormant for quite a while, and I'm not sure why I haven't been here. This space reminds me of all that is happy and good and I should be more grateful for what I have.

And by that entire longwinded paragraph, I actually just meant to say: I WILL BLOG MORE. 

To kick things off: photo diary from Taiwan.

LOVE.

Silly gifs that you are always so reluctant to take but always end up taking just to humour me anyway. 

As much as I know I do, I am still terrified of saying it out loud because I'm scared that as we grow, we will one day grow apart instead of together and find ourselves unable to overcome the distance, and then whoever I end up with will inevitably be second best. 

And that's kind of shitty. 

things to remember

August 2012. 

We're at East Coast at sunset after your windsurf training, gorgeous weather and a surprise picnic I packed. You are unspeakably amused at the picnic mat I brought. "It's like a real picnic!" Your eyes light up at the sight of the food I cooked that I know you like- mac and cheese, grilled honey glazed chicken, strawberries and chocolate fondue for dessert. And then I pull out wet wipes, ice cold drinks, speakers and a picnic playlist, and you laugh at the detail I've put into the planning. You enthusiastically dig in, and then you suddenly stop and you look at me with this look in your eyes. Reach out for my hand and pull me towards you, and you press your lips against mine and kiss me with a tenderness so gentle that it takes my breath away.

I want to remember that moment forever. 

you are my light

One misunderstood question or a misread tone and we find ourselves at the same point we keep finding ourselves at for the last 2 months and I push and you withdraw and I push some more and you keep your silence until I burst and you lash out and every fight feels like it's going to be the last one, that this time when you say we should just end this so we can be happier that it's really going to be over and we say terrible things that hurt so badly, and I don't understand you and you dont understand me and it feels like we will never be able to get past any of this but at the end of the day when I've exhausted you with my words and myself with all the tears and there's nothing left to say, you drive me home and we're quiet in the car, and when we reach my house you get off the car to say goodbye, and you wrap your arms around me so tight it almost hurts and you lift me off the ground and kiss me on the forehead and say goodnight, and in that instant it overwhelms me, this crippling fear that I might very well end up losing you and the constant fear that every day might be our last together and I know in the very depth of my soul, that I will never stop loving you for the rest of my life.

you see the light that I can’t see

Oh baby, my baby,

You’ve held me

through many broken hearts

And maybe, just maybe

You can fix all my broken parts

And you took me by surprise

When you took my hand

And you with your dark brown eyes

You see the light that I can’t see

You see the light in me.

(x)

of life and love.

Communication. Trust. Commitment. Compromise. Respect.

Still learning to be a better person. Still trying to be a better person. Still failing.

One step at a time.

6 years later

Always have, always will. 

J

Today I had my first alone day in about 2 months, and I shopped so hard my account balance is bitching like a chola on crack. (Digressing, I finally found the perfect leather jacket that is FINALLY not sold out in my size!) But I choose to think I deserve this because not only have I spent the last 2 months doing nothing but working, but also because for the first time in 7 months, I am out of debt and I can actually afford to shop.

B called me today- out of the blue as usual, no warning, just a shitload of baggage. I watched One Day this morning and it seemed so appropriate that he called me later that afternoon. I cannot help but feel like we have a Dax-Emma relationship. When we were together we fought with a passion I have never found in anyone else, and yet when we strip it down to the bare bones we get each other in a way no one else ever has for either of us. The past 4 years have been nothing but drama every time he resurfaces, and yet everytime he comes back I find myself offering my friendship and support until it destroys the both of us and we stop talking for a year and wash rinse repeat. And at the end of the day I guess my biggest fear is that when I am truly, truly over J and have moved on, he will reappear the same way B always does and I won't have the strength to say no to him. Then again, J is not B. And I only have the emotional capacity for one Dax in my life.

I know exactly what to do, I know exactly what I have to do and I just don't have the strength to do it and I won't have the strength to until I find someone who will make me want to love so wholly and completely that I can let go of the past. And until I find someone I am willing to give that much of me to, I will never be able to fully let go. The problem is that this person has to first be okay with all of...this. When will someone finally get it? I know it is selfish for me to ask of this much but sometimes I feel like I've given so much of myself to everyone and I've never had a chance to take. When will I find someone who can see past all of this and sees me, someone who can finally figure out that all I need is someone with the patience to sit with me through this and love me through this and help me realise that not all of it ends this same way?

I just got off the phone with B. He randomly called exactly when I had just woken up from knocking out after taking my medication. Just like that, right on cue. So I decided to pick up, and we wound up chatting for an hour. The scary part? It didn't feel like an hour. At all. What the fuck, Sylvia. What. the. fuck.

it's been a bizarre week.

I haven't told anyone any of this, simply cos I don't know who to tell. Or how to tell it. Or even find time to sit down over coffee with someone to tell it.

I dated B in 2007-2008. He cheated on me, and there I had it- my first real heartbreak. We were friends after the break-up, simply because I didn't know he cheated on me and dumped me for her. When I found out I refused to love again, refused to get over him until one day anger replaced sadness and I claimed my life back. I haven't even caught a glimpse of him, much less heard from him since we graduated from JC. A week ago, he resurfaced. He called me, and we spoke for a bit. The next day, and the days after that, he called and texted repeatedly, making small talk and mindless chatter. Eventually he admitted it- I miss you, let's meet up.

I dated S in 2009. He too cheated on me, and convinced me that I'm doomed with a lifelong curse of being cheated on. Our break-up was a difficult, long-drawn process that took everything I had. After the breakup, I went on a path of complete self-destruction. I got over him within a week because I simply didn't feel anything at all. I became numb. This morning, S called. He went straight to the point- it's been a while since we've spoken to each other, I miss you.

F was a whirlwind fling that happened in the months after S. We 'went out', but never quite made it to the dating stage. He called me a million times a day, he said the sweetest things and did the sweetest things. Then I found out that he was married. On Tuesday, I bumped into F at the Esplanade while taking site recce for F1. We chatted for a bit and he gave me the tightest hug as we parted. That same night he texted, asking me to call him after I finished for the day.

I didn't agree to meet any of them. It wasn't because of the potential temptation that stopped me- I could never bring myself to cheat. It was because I didn't see a point.

The three of them are three people from my past I really don't have the strength to be mad at anymore. And all three came back in a week. In the same week. All three missing what I had with each of them, all three wanting a piece of me back. All three only reciprocating and giving that little bit I asked for way back then, at a point of time when I am finally so loved by and so happily with someone else.

This is what I don't understand. With all three of them, I didn't even ask much. Back when I was a different girl, all I wanted from each one of them was their love, and their undivided attention. And all of them couldn't give me that. Years and many more expectations later, they suddenly find themselves capable for giving me that little bit of attention and initiative, which is really all that I needed all along. But now, it's no longer enough.

I don't understand. If they had been this way when I was with them, if they had this type of initiative to tell me they missed me and wanted me back then, they would have had my complete devotion. But they only choose to miss me now, to express it now, when my heart belongs to someone else, and when I've already given up all hope on either one of them.

It's especially hard for me when it comes to B. Whatever it is, he has always been and will always be my first love. No matter how big of an asshole he is, I still find myself laugh when I talk to him. But at the end of the day, no matter how much affection I have for him, I will never be able to love him again.

We could have had a chance, but they didn't reciprocate the effort that I put in. We could have had a second chance, had they come back earlier, when I was still forgiving enough to have wanted to take them back and then it would have made all the pain worth it. And now that I've stopped harbouring any hope, stopped harbouring even the secretest, slightest knowledge that I'd take them back in an instant, they do.

I don't get it.

What do you do when people disappear from your life, only to reappear, shoving a truckload of times you want to remember and times you don't want to remember down your throat?

What do you do when you feel like you want something but you know that ultimately you don't actually want it?

What do you do when your heart betrays your mind?

You do nothing. You walk away & you be content and grateful for life as it is.

Goodnight everyone. Sylvia is happy, and strong, and proud of herself (: