Choose life.

"So why did I do it? I could offer a million answers, all false. The truth is that I'm a bad person, but that's going to change, I'm going to change. This is the last of this sort of thing. I'm cleaning up and I'm moving on, going straight and choosing life. I'm looking forward to it already. I'm going to be just like you: the job, the family, the fucking big television, the washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electrical tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter home, leisurewear, luggage, three-piece suite, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine to five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption, clearing the gutters, getting by, looking ahead, to the day you die."

6 things 20-somethings want

1. To own books. To have an apartment that houses an overstuffed bookcase overflowing with fiction, non-fiction, autobiographies, cookbooks, self-help, and cheesy romance novels. Underneath the windowsill overlooking the city, there will sit a leather lounge chair that you picked up at an antique store or yard sale. Here, you will sit and read all your wonderful books.

2. To be loved. By friends, family, men and women. To never be alone on a Friday night. You’ll host book club meetings in your apartment and show off your overflowing bookcase. You’ll do yoga on Tuesdays. You’ll take art history classes for fun. You’ll go on dates. When your world falls apart, you’ll always have someone to call for support. A loving soul will always be there to congratulate you on your accomplishments, give you a massage after a long day, hook that difficult bracelet latch around your wrist that you can never get on your own, and of course, tell you you’re beautiful.

3. To own a unique pet, like a cockatiel or miniature pig. To have a doorman who knows your name. On rainy days, you’ll attempt to watch all the classic movies you never watched when you were younger. You’ll call your mom every Sunday. You’ll write poetry for fun. You’ll read the New York Times at your local coffee joint and attempt to do the Sunday crossword puzzles. The barista will know your order without having to ask. One day, you’ll give up coffee for green tea, but what’s the rush?

4. To be successful. To receive invitations to fashion shows and art gallery openings, but only attend them selectively. To write beautiful things to fall upon the eyes of beautiful people. Your feet will be your main form of transportation. You’ll be the most fashionable person at the office. During lunch breaks, you’ll get lost in Barnes & Noble. You’ll call your boss by his or her first name and sometimes, when a deadline is approaching, you’ll shoot each other a text. You’ll have health insurance and a retirement plan.

5. To do something crazy — like move to China — and then blame it on a fleeting youth. To eat pizza in Rome. To accumulate frequent flyer miles. To, every once in awhile, fly first class.

6. To, one day, reread these hopes and desires, smiling at the things that came to fruition, and wondering what happened to those that didn’t.

(Source)

live life

I set this as my new iPhone lock screen recently and I think that's a mantra I really want to start living by. 

I've been feeling a bit aimless lately and I couldn't quite pinpoint the reason why. I just brushed it off as adjusting to full-time working life but even then I couldn't really fully convince myself that that was true given how I've never really stopped working since I started in this industry in 2009. Now that school's done, I think I need to set some new goals for myself- not just career goals or tangible material aims that would somehow signify some sort of growth in social stature, but some personal goals.

This double life is getting a bit exhausting to keep up. I think it's about time to face up to all the stupid decisions of my youth that I have made in my life, accept the consequences and start living the way I ultimately want to live, and not just hope to live. I think I am ready to change my life. I've always had this ideal standard that I would like to live by but never really had the courage to try to achieve it because it just felt like too much effort to have to try to change the way I live. I guess a part of it comes down to not wanting to put myself in a position where I risk failure. I hate failing. Who does? But avoiding new things so that I don't put myself in a position where I could possibly fail, while juvenile, seems to be my coping mechanism more often than not. Eeeks.

It occurred to me recently that just because some things are a habit, it doesn't mean that that's the best I can do. Neither is it the best for me. Just because some things are the way they have been for as long as I can remember, it doesn't mean it's right. I need to learn to stop taking comfort in worldly matters and things of the earth, but to focus on the life I want for myself in the long term. And to work towards that, no matter how long and hard the road is, how much judgement I will get for it, or how many people I lose in the process.

Baby steps, until I get to where I want to be, and become the person I want to be. A person I would be proud of. 

Calvin Klein x Macy's

Francisco Costa, Calvin Klein x Macy's

Can I just say that I really really love them shoes, and that second black dress? WANT. 

almost a year older but still struggling to move on.

Forget yourself.

Forget who you are when you are with him. Forget the unwilling relationship he had imposed on you, leave all the traces of his negativity behind you. Forget how happy he made you feel, likewise remember how stupid you felt when you believed him. Forget being forgiving, how he was the only person to have broken your trust more than enough times and yet, stick to him undeservingly so. Forget being noble, for sticking to a person who doesn’t deserve you. For thinking that maybe you both could do good in each other’s lives. Forget being idealistic, how he managed to corrupt your mind that something can overcome all trivialities: something called love (platonic or otherwise). Forget being mad and mean, a consequence of being in a place wrought out of lies.

Forget who you are when you are with him and find yourself in a place rid of any trace of him. Forget everything and start in a better place.

(Source)

i am worth it

Sometimes, new love means breaking old habits. Sometimes you find yourself more at ease in relationships defined by inconsistency, anger, irreconcilable jealousy, and neglect, simply because that is what you have grown used to over the years. You grow complacent with the misery and heartache. Most importantly, you give up on yourself. When something accessible, consistent, warm, and altogether incredible comes into the picture, sometimes the hardest step is taking a deep breath, letting go of your tattered past, and taking that risk with something new — all the while repeating to yourself, “I’m worth it, I’m worth it, I’m worth it…”


(Source)

back again

Whoa it's been exactly a month since I've been back here... time passes crazy fast. This last month has been an insanely intense whirlwind of rushing to finish the zillion final year assignments that somehow popped up alongside my procrastination to drown me together with my thesis, doing a somewhat half-fucked job and no longer caring, juggling that with full-time work as well as my side projects and I'm just glad I survived, to be honest. I have never been more sleep deprived and exhausted, but I'm also really super proud of myself for seeing it all through and not giving up on any of these things halfway.

Most importantly, my little company with D & E pulled off our first production in late April/early May and I can't quite believe we did it and it's over just like that. Sales were a little on the slow side but we got glowing reviews and most importantly, our name got out and I am so so excited for what is to come. This is just the beginning!

Full time work has been just as fulfilling, we kicked off May with 2 back to back concerts and the rest of the year looks like it's gonna be just as busy. I know of so many people who are having trouble finding work or adjusting to working life and I realise that I am so bloody lucky to have been working long enough to have had trouble with neither.

It is at times like these when I truly understand how blessed I am for the people I have around me. For tolerating all my crankiness and snappiness, for all the opportunities and support, for all the prayers I don't even know I am being covered in. Especially my very awesome cell group who constantly text and fb to ask if I'm doing good and tell me they are praying for me even when I miss cell/church because of work. Super blessed!

I know I constantly lament being lonely and not having anyone and how I hate how people move on so easily and how I slowly get phased out of people's lives or prioritized over but at the end of the day, it's not about being busy or being single, but it's about the effort you put in, and whether or not this effort is reciprocated. New friends with more love to give are bound to take the place of those who were never truly there in the first place. And friendships that I know are forever are still holding strong despite distance/time/schedules. And that's all a girl really needs.

My education may have ended, but my learning journey has just begun... and I really cannot wait. Here goes nothing :)