Had dinner with D the dollface a couple of days ago. I hadn't seen that girl in ages- it was good catch up time and the food at Sushi Tei was yum as usual. We can never escape that place.

It's funny how things go- a year and a half ago we were restless and bored and having sushi together and wondering when happiness would come. A year and a half later, so much has happened. Happiness? Not quite there yet. But we've grown, and at the very least, we're content. And that's more than either one of us could ask for.

I turned 21 6 days ago.

They say 21 is supposed to be the pinnacle of your life- it's when life begins, supposedly.  We'll see how that goes.

I don't have the best of demeanors. And so I tend to hang on to the bad, overlook all the good, pick on the smallest things that make me unhappy and let these things ruin perfectly good days, perfectly good situations because of my inability to let go. In short, I am a bit of a tantrum throwing, attention seeking brat. But 2011 has been one of the worst years of my life, and it has truly been a life changing 6 months. However, it has also been the best. I've lost a lot, but things happen, and you grow. 

You can't fix someone else's mistakes. It doesn't matter how hard you try. And nobody deserves to beat themselves up over it, or allow anyone to talk them down because of it.

When you wake up one day and you find that bridges you didn't realise you burnt have already crumbled, mistakes you don't even realise you made have been made, and the one thing that grounded you has fallen apart, you tend to want to fall apart. But how long before you pick yourself up again? I'm not sure I have. But I sure as hell am trying.

I just hope that when times get rough, I don't fall back into whining and complaining and not actually doing anything to help myself but overlook all of that to find the lesson and learn from it. It may sound trite and cliche, but I really don't want to look back on my life 10 years from now, and realise that I've learnt nothing and that I'm exactly the same person.So for starters, here's a happy place to document the highs, let go of frustration, remember to be thankful and to document my gratitude. What's done is done- right now all I want to do is to constantly remember the good, learn from the bad, and to just be content.

So here's to living life, loving life, making full use of every opportunity I have and appreciating all the lessons along the way. 

S x

"He still loves you. He asks about you all the time."
"You know that time you said- that if he came back for you would probably not be able to stop yourself from taking him back... can you don't? I'm not like judging or anything, but as your friend I mean like... can you just please don't?"
"Are you okay with it now? I mean I know you're fine and everything but are you like, okay okay?"
"You have a wall. It's... it took me quite a while to break past that wall. To really get to you."
"You know it's really hard to find someone who loves you so much he will do anything, absolutely anything, for you right?"
"He lied to you for 6 solid months. Can you please remember that."
"You've shut down. I don't think you'll be okay until you meet someone who makes you want to fall in love again. Then you'll be very not-okay. But after that you'll be okay."

My friends want nothing but the best for me, but what exactly is the best for me? I am so sick of talking about it and I feel guilty making people listen to me talk about it. So I stop. Shutting it out isn't the problem. The problem is when I am eventually forced to face it. But even after 6 months, I still can't deal.

It's amazing how you look at things so differently after something major happens in your life.

It's been 4 and a half months since you've been gone. It's been the most traumatizing 4 months of my life- I've self-destructed and made the most irrational and seemingly impossible pledges and vows and bets (which I am still winning), I've gone hysterical and gone zen and back to what felt like normal and then apeshit-zen-normaled all over again, I've gone promiscuous and puritan and feminist and reliant and now everything's finally over and at the end of the day, I'm here and I look at the pieces left and I don't even know where to start piecing it back together. I don't even know where the pieces are cos I've just abandoned them and started again. It's like my life has changed completely in 4 months- I've never been closer to my parents, I'm taking school a bit more seriously now, my career path has completely changed, my future has completely gone bonkers, off track, back on track, and then changed tracks completely. The people I thought I were closest to in school vanished from my life completely, instead people who've always remained sort of... in the shadows just being quietly supportive became the people I completely relied on. At my downest and outest the people who were there for me weren't the ones I thought would be there, and the people who I thought would be there just bailed completely. And I am thankful for all of that. But it doesn't matter. For one, I know nothing will ever break me again. I know everyone says this after every breakup or whatever but I honestly think this case is... different (lol, if only half the people reading this had the slightest clue what I'm talking about). I've never been so lost or helpless, and I swear I'll never be like that again, ever. I've learnt so much and I'm really thankful. But that's not the point of this post.

The point of the post is this: a month ago, for the first time since J left me, I liked someone- like REALLY liked someone. I didn't think it would happen so soon- but the strange part was I didn't even feel a need to rush things. That was one. It was weird. I just felt like I had all the time in the world. I didn't want to fall in love, I was just content to like him and get to know him first. That's really strange because if you knew me well enough you'd know I used to want every guy I like to instantly fall in love with me and marry me NOW. So we've been talking every single day every single waking moment for about a month and flirting outrageously, and then today he told me that last night, he got together with this other girl. And whereas usually I would usually be really emo and upset, I was like ah bummer oh well. And that was it. It's not that I didn't really like him enough- Debbie and Donna and Edlyn and Nicole will testify to my endless gushing. But disappointment didn't hit. It was a okay-not-meant-to-be, chin-up-and-move-on moment. And I felt... fine.

The same thing happened with my show. I was really upset about the cancellation at first when it looked like things could still be salvaged. But once it became clear that it was over, I snapped right into: okay, damage control, and then close the case and plan forward. And the aching disappointment vanished.

I'm not sure what changed- maybe it's the fact that after something really major and earth shattering happens to you, everything gets put into perspective and disappointments become less disappointing because it's not as bad in comparison. Or maybe it's the fact that after having to make the hugest heart-vs-head decision I've made in my life so far and forcing myself to choose the logical, rational choice that caused me to lose everything, I've become more able to separate emotion from rationality and go with what's smart and good for me.

But it doesn't matter what the change is. I'm just grateful it happened. It changed my life. Talk about a turning point. I'm not sure what J thinks about this- maybe he'd feel betrayed that my life became better because of this, that I am seeing the silver lining in the cloud because he's still stuck in the cloud. But I hope he's learnt from this too. And I hope he learns good and it changes his life too. Then this wouldn't have been a waste. And if it does change his life, then I hope he realises it. He may or may not see it now, but what happened may perhaps be the best thing that has ever happened in our lives. And I hope he sees it and has the strength to be grateful.

I am young.
My ears hear promise.
My mind is power.
My eyes see dreams.
My thoughts are high.
And my body is strong.

 





Full Moon // Rite Of Spring

"Dance, dance, otherwise we are lost"- Pina Bausch