"love never dies a natural death. it dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. it dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. it dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings."

- anais nin

Secret thoughts

"What if I told you I felt the exact same way you do about her? That I love him more than anything. That despite knowing him for only such a while, I love him. Would that remind you of yourself? Would you understand the endless longing I have for him, the same way you long for her? Would you think that was the most hopelessly romantic thing that could possibly happen to a boy like you, to a girl like me? Would you ache to possess the love being showered upon him, and crave such affection in return?"

And then what if I told you that that him was you?

You want some honesty? Here's some.

Every day is a struggle to get through. Every single bloody day. I am exhausted and I don't even know why I want to exhaust myself when I'm supposed to be having my holidays but I feel so bloody empty if I don't fill every waking moment of my time. Even when I was in love and happy I still had this gnawing urge to fill up every second, every moment of my day and I am impossible to please because no matter what I do there's always this ache in me, the ache of something missing. It's not career, it's not God, it's not love, and I have no clue what it is but it's a struggle to get through every day completely dissatisfied with life and not knowing why. It's painful, and it's a struggle.

I am terrible with emotions. My emotions are completely inappropriate for social situations. I want to laugh in solemn situations, when I'm having a genuinely heart-warming friend bonding moment I find myself suddenly overcome with an overwhelming need to fall in love with a friend I normally would never ever consider dating, I start getting drowsy when there's a ton of work to do, I cry in horror movies and scream in chick flicks. And I am completely incapable of dating anyone without falling in love with him, without feeling like I am falling in love and ending up realising what I thought was love really isn't and feeling like a complete asshole. I am so bad at flings I don't know why I even pretend to have them, and wind up falling for every other asshole who walks into my life.

I am not as strong as I would like myself to think. As unlikely as it seems beneath this armoured vehicle exterior lies a completely emotionally unstable, mentally somewhat unsound and totally paranoid and slightly schizophrenic soul. I anchor crisis management and fix problems, and then fall apart only in the privacy of my own room under the covers where I am longing, dying for someone to come and give me a hug or stroke my hair but being too proud and too 'strong' to admit it.

And above everything, I am lonely. I am loud, and constantly in good company, and extroverted and well-loved. But at the end of the day all I return to, all I fall asleep to is this aching, aching loneliness that tells me I'm going to end up all alone.

sylvia is:

1. single again, alone again, lonely again.
2. exploited, overworked, under-rested.
3. in desperate need of a holiday.
4. going to be out of a paying job in 2 weeks.
5. craving company
6. having the stupidest crush of her life
7. tired of life.
8. a fabulous pretender.
9. not okay
10. eventually going to be okay.

contentment

You make my heart beat a little faster every time you look at me.
You make me forget what I want to say when you smile at me.
The world vanishes when you kiss me.

I could do nothing but sit and talk to you all day,
& still feel like I could fall in love over and over again.

I am so, so, so happy.

I have an sudden insane craving for hot chocolate with pretty fluffy marshmallows in them but I can't make hot chocolate with pretty marshmallows in them because despite the fact that I have the most awesome strawberry-flavoured dark chocolate hot chocolate mix, not only do I not have pretty fluffy marshmallows, but drinking a cup of hot chocolate right now will turn my semi-cold into a full-blown flu and I don't have time to be sick right now.

Yes yes I know my Livejournal has been nothing but emo and angst ridden but it's generally cos I tend to update only when I'm in a bad mood. No worries though for those of you who have been asking, yes I really am fine.

I realise that the older I get the less reliant I am on my Livejournal, and even when I find that I do need to write to release some sort of tension, I watch my words more closely. I guess it's the combination that maturity and the experience that being fucked over repeatedly brings, but I find that these days, I guard my thoughts and my feelings a lot closer than I used to.

It's so much easier to guard your heart and not let anyone in as opposed to opening yourself up to trusting people and being hurt over and over and over again. And when it comes to the point where you've been hurt over and over, it takes so much less effort to just shut people out then to actually invest your energies into facing these issues.

Call me a coward, but I choose escapism. Reliving all that for that tiny little extra bit of long-term strength you gain by facing fears and insecurities? It's not worth it.