hello 2017

As I get older it gets harder to truly dedicate time to people - time without the distraction of a mental checklist of errands that need to be run, necessities that need to be bought; time to enjoy days off that aren't half over from fatigue before it even begins, days that aren't cut short by sickness, petty disagreements and senseless fights, or obligations to friends and family.

It becomes impossible to pinpoint a single day that wasn't made of deadline after deadline, whether given without choice or self-imposed.

And yet amidst the rush of life, between work, meals, exhaustion and everything else that comes with growing up, there exists little snippets of joy, love and pure friendship that I've experienced this year.

I'm grateful that the people I hold closest to my heart have stuck by me through it all, putting in effort to keep in touch when I haven't had the capacity to, and understood enough to continue to love me unconditionally when I've been thoroughly undeserving. Thank you all for navigating the madness with me and making 2016 more than just a test of survival, but a very humbling year of learning to discern what's real from what's not.

2016 felt like 10 years and 6 months all at once and I'm not ready for 2017 but if there's anything 2016 has taught me, it's that I'll always find a way to deal and come out on top. Here's to more laughter, good food and travel. Here's to learning to be even tougher in 2017. Here's to true friendship and unconditional love. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

disquietude

I suppose in the wake of a lengthy, honest talk, I should be feeling relief, the easing of this knot of anxiety in my gut.

But instead all I feel is uncertainty and... ambivalence?

Now that it's out there, there are no more excuses I can make for you, no more maybes, no more benefit of the doubt.

And in the wake of this ongoing apathy on your part, I'm terrified that all that will be left to do would be to walk away.

I should really learn to start writing when I'm happy, and not just when I'm sad. This space needs to stop being a sad dump.

But that's for another time.

Tonight though.... My heart hurts.

Goodnight world.

I am exhausted.

How selfish is too selfish?

How selfless is too selfless?

Here's some food for thought- if choosing feelessness is selfish, then is choosing to love still selfless... or selfish?

I never expected, in my mid twenties, to still be struggling with the same issues as I did in my teens but really, does anyone ever really shake off the undertow of inadequacy, the burn of unmet expectations, the pressures of not meeting expectations?

Forgiveness is a bitter pill to swallow; is forgiveness selfish, or selfless?

What's the magic age when it finally stops hurting to live?

The highs are too high- the lows too low. When you're young, you're resilient. At 21 I had a rebound rate of 2 seconds. But 5 years later, it's suddenly 2 months after I decided to let my heart breathe again and I am so, so, so very tired.

I find myself resisting the urge to run as far away from you as I can, and even then the questions begin, and remain- why are you resisting? Where does this resistance come from? Why is the urge to run away borne of the same resistance that's telling me to stay? What does it mean? Do you really want me? Do I? What do you want? What do I want?

I think I finally understand why people choose to be cold. And why ice queen behaviour get better and easier with age.

Ice and fire, fire and ice. What's the in between? Lukewarm?

But... nobody wants to be lukewarm.

Right?

"Would you just stay with me?"

"Stay with you? What for? Look at us! We're already fighting!"

"Well that's what we do! We fight! You tell me when I'm being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you're being a pain in the ass! Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings, you have like a two-second rebound rate and you're back doing the next pain in the ass thing."

"So, what?"

"So it's not gonna be easy, it's gonna be really hard. And we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I wanna do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever. You and me. Everyday."

if you love me, don't let go

hold, hold on

hold on to me;

cos i'm a little unsteady

a little

unsteady

quarter life crisis

More and more I find that most of the pain I experience is self-inflicted.

Like being tired at work because I stayed up until 4am the night before doing absolutely nothing productive.
Like falling sick because I secretly eat too much crap.
Like not getting well because I take care of people more than myself.
Like feeling inadequate because I allow myself to feel that way.

Like torturing myself by reading your Tumblr over and over again.

I should be happy. Right? I have so much to be thankful for.

But yet I keep finding myself overwhelmed by sadness at the most unexplainable moments, and it sucks me dry and drains me of everything I have. I don't know how to make it stop. And it's getting harder to hide and make up reasons when people ask why I'm quiet, or listless, or sad.

How do you make someone understand the feeling of being not good enough until they've experienced what it means to feel like they're not good enough the same way I do?

You would think I would know better than to let inadequacy and pointless sadness continue to eat me up at the grand ol' age of 25 and 7.5 months but sometimes I feel like I never quite outgrew the pressures of being 16, sitting at the back of the classroom wishing I were

cooler
smarter
more talented
less lazy
prettier
skinnier
more confident
more extroverted
more genuine
less scared.

head vs heart

Once I loved a man, and he was everything I could ask for in a first love. The highs were terrifyingly high, the lows were crushing. We fought and made up and gave up and tried again and he left me and we moved on and we tried again and it didn't work and we lost touch and we then suddenly we didn't and it was like nothing changed and yet everything remained the same and the highs remained the highest high I've ever been on and the lows got worse than before and then I left him and I swore I would never do it again. 

Once I loved another man, and with him, I learnt to forget what it was like to love for love's sake. I traded passion for security, gave up the pounding hearts and crushing pain for a steady constantness, exchanged the dizzying peaks and heart lurching dips for a unfaltering forward trudge. And my heart grew cold. Until one day I found, that I had no more love for this man.

Then I met you. 

You thawed my frozen heart bit by bit, kindled a fire I forgot was there. You made me learn to love the highs and lows while staying mindful of the changes and staying on the right path despite the oscillations. You taught me to embrace the free fall while staying alert, you gave me unconditional love yet absolute freedom. It brought back a side of me I used to love that I forgot about, only stronger, more mindful, more deliberate, surer, and steadier.

But the pandora's box of life knows no differentiation, it can't tell the difference between love and hate, happiness and sadness, joy and fear. And so with this newfound happiness and freedom that you have given me, you have also brought back the things I forgot were there.

Is love worth it, when it comes at the cost of facing every ghost and demon you've worked so hard to hide all these years? 

hello again

A lot has changed since I've been here last.

I suddenly felt the urge to write again tonight. I haven't done this in months and I am glad I still have this space that everybody has forgotten exists, but I don't know how to organise my thoughts and where to begin.

But I guess tonight's feelings can be summed up like this:

Inadequacy is the most terrible feeling.

Reminder to self: stop comparing.

Easier said than done.

Every day:

I crave your touch, your hugs, your kisses
I yearn to be in your arms
I miss your face, your voice, your warmth
I am grateful for the joy you bring, for your light in the shadows
I appreciate how fiercely protective you are
I am thankful for your undivided attention
I am blessed by your unwavering, and unconditional love
I see you in my dreams at night and I wake wanting more
I fall asleep aching for the touch of your skin against mine and I wake missing you

This inexplicable force that draws me to you like a moth to a flame- you burn bright, and I go up in flames. But I belong to you. I belong in your embrace and my soul belongs to yours.

I want to be yours
I want to be part of your world
I want to BE your world
I want to be all you think about
I want to be your favourite hi and hardest goodbye.

I want you
I want this
I want us.

reminder to self

goodbye

In the very core of me being I know I am doing the right thing.





So why does it feel like I am leaving my heart behind?

If being loved is all that anybody wants, then I am, by my own hand, a terrible human being who doesn't deserve to be loved.

integrity + loyalty

Sometimes, against all reasonable advice, I make super high risk decisions and end up questioning my sanity and every decision I've ever made in my life, but at the end of the day I think my belief in the value of loyalty and integrity trumps logic.

It's been almost a week of nonstop dinners and outings and I desperately need some quiet me down time to unwind and not talk to anyone for a while before I head back to work tomorrow.

As much as I enjoy the festivities and cherish the opportunity to catch up with the people I pretty much see only once a year, the older I get the more I really feel like after the CNY period is over I need a vacation from the holiday season.

I'm becoming more and more of an introvert as I age and I'm honestly not sure if that's a good or bad thing.... But what I know for sure is that superficial socialising doesn't appeal to me anymore!

But above everything I do understand and treasure the family friends that we have and the bond we've built over the years, so no matter how tired or unwilling I will always make the effort to dress up and go visiting because I believe it really is important to stay in touch with the people who have been there for you and your family through the years.

Oh, the eternal struggle between being in my comfort zone vs obligation and the call of duty.

the crunch
charles bukowski

too much too little

too fat
too thin
or nobody.

laughter or
tears

haters
lovers

strangers with faces like
the backs of
thumb tacks

armies running through
streets of blood
waving winebottles
bayoneting and fucking
virgins.

an old guy in a cheap room
with a photograph of M. Monroe.

there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in the slow movement of
the hands of a clock

people so tired
mutilated
either by love or no love.

people just are not good to each other
one on one.

the rich are not good to the rich
the poor are not good to the poor.

we are afraid.

our educational system tells us
that we can all be
big-ass winners

it hasn’t told us
about the gutters
or the suicides.

or the terror of one person
aching in one place
alone

untouched
unspoken to

watering a plant.

people are not good to each other.
people are not good to each other.
people are not good to each other.

I suppose they never will be.
I don’t ask them to be.

but sometimes I think about
it.

the beads will swing
the clouds will cloud
and the killer will behead the child
like taking a bite out of an ice cream cone.

too much
too little

too fat
too thin
or nobody

more haters than lovers.

people are not good to each other.
perhaps if they were
our deaths would not be so sad.

meanwhile I look at young girls
stems
flowers of chance.

there must be a way.

surely there must be a way that we have not yet
though of.

who put this brain inside of me?

it cries
it demands
it says that there is a chance.

it will not say
“no.”

froggy adventures

Every year, my dad buys a bamboo plant in a glass jar to put at my grandmother's house, which still remains our CNY Hq even though she's no longer around.

This year, he picked one not knowing it came with a little extra something.

For some reason, THERE WAS A FROG IN THE JAR??!?!?!!!!!

Dear froggy,

WHY ARE YOU SO TINY AND CUTE??!?!?

It was just a little baby!!!!!

I wanted so much to bring it home and make it my pet frog but my parents refused to let me 😒

My mum said it might be poisonous, it might go missing in the house and then we can't find it, she said it might have some fatal froggy disease that it will then pass to us. Bah!

My dad on the other hand, was more practical. He said I could keep it if I could tell him what I was going to feed it..... And who knows what the heck I'm going to feed a baby frog thats half the size of my thumb so they won this battle :(

So we took it out and went to find somewhere to let it go!

I wanted to find it a pond or aquarium but my dad refused to drive me to botanic gardens at midnight (hahahaha) so I went to scour the area around my grandmother's house.

My mum tried to get me to just release it in a long kang but I refused because I didn't want Froggy to be eaten by a rat or cat!!!!

In the end I found a money plant that was in a pot of water, that had little fishes swimming in it so I released Froggy into the pot.

And Froggy jumped right back out to say bye and let me snap a few pictures before he plopped back into the water.

Never thought I'd ever say this but frogs are really cute!!!!! Froggy was so tiny and kept shivering even though it's cold blooded wtf I think it was scared. Poor Froggy.

But ok I hope Froggy is now happier in its little pot kingdom instead of in a glass pot with chemical liquid :)

I want a pet frog!!!

on privilege

I think I'm really quite grateful for my circumstances.

Even though I complain a lot, everything I bitch about is really very much #firstworldproblems. I'm lucky enough to be born in Sg where I live in a comfy HDB, where I don't have to worry about not having shelter in a freak blizzard or snow storm, where I don't have to worry about my water supply freezing over, my power being cut.

I read an article that day explaining privilege- that privilege doesn't mean having a crapload of money, or living the #rkoi life. It simply means the circumstances you were blessed enough to be born into gave you a head start into life without you having to do anything to deserve or not deserve it.

It's a vast difference from how most people would define the term privilege but I have to admit this definition makes a lot more sense.

I'm not discounting the merit of hard work- it's undeniable that hard work is in itself a working pathway to success but let's be honest here, you can work hard all you want but without the foundation of sheer luck and circumstance, there's also only so far you can go.

I shall attempt to be more grateful and complain less. Keyword is attempt hahaha but eh better than nothing la hor. If anything, at least I'm self-aware. Haha!

lesson of the day

"Do not invest in another, more than they are willing to invest in themselves."

Today I very nearly almost did, but I remembered a vow I made to myself a few years ago, never to build anyone up at my own expense ever again.

I should not be fighting harder than you are for your interests.

I should not sacrifice myself to build you up.

And I will not.

I'm not sure how I feel right now.

I cannot help but feel the stirrings of resentment that I've mentioned before that I think eventually this will tear us apart and I still feel like there is so little effort made.

But I also don't lash out anymore.

Maybe over time I truly care less and less.

Again, not sure how I feel about this.

Received some news today that made me feel quite.... Unsettled.

I was going to go for 'bitter' but it's not quite that bad. However, it's also not as mild as a mere 'unsettled' either.

I don't know.

Just have to wait and see.

But today, I am grateful for friends who honour friendship over anything else.

"Job can find another one. Best friend cannot."

musings

I used to be much more active on social media, and also much more vocal about unhappiness in my relationship.

I definitely used to be one of those passive aggressive asshole tweeters who would tweet indirect stabs at my significant other (who would be following me on said social media platform lol) but over the years I guess I grew up and realised I wasn't doing anybody any favours with my childish dramatics.

Not only is it unhealthy and breeds a lot of resentment within the relationship, but it also resulted in a lot of dissent between my significant other and my friends/family. After all, when you constantly portray your significant other as an asshole, you can't really blame your friends/family for hating him right?

So I stopped. I started to understand the value of making my partner look the best version of himself, instead of the complete opposite.

I learnt to address issues directly and calmly and rationally put my feelings and thoughts into words to express myself properly and in a healthy manner.

But more importantly, it also taught me to directly seek the counsel of friends in difficult situations.

And the upside is that instead of talking to myself on social media where people only hear my side of the story and don't get to ask questions, and nobody can call me out if I'm being unfair or being obstinate and childish, when I'm forced to talk to an actual person (and my friends are mostly super impartial and non-side-taking), they call me out on my unacceptable behaviour and try to help me see things from an alternative perspective and to see where I might be going wrong myself.

It keeps me accountable, keeps me in check and forces me not to abuse my feminine wiles (lol) to get my way.

After being brutally called out on my shit many times later (and many fights with my friends lol), I can quite confidently say now that I don't delude myself and obstinately insist I'm right all the time anymore cos it'll just be a waste of time cos I'll eventually get called out for it anyway.

As much as I hate to admit it, I've probably become a better person for it.

So I guess today's moment of gratitude is that I have a best friend who is the ultimate call-me-out-on-my-shit Queen, doesn't indulge my misbehavior, doesn't let me get away with any bratty behavior and is essentially my Feelings Police to make sure I don't become so self-indulgent that I become an all out princess terrorist.

Its really not often you find someone who cares enough about you that she would deliberately do something she knows you would fight over and risk your friendship if it means doing the right thing for your growth as a human being.

(I do the same thing for her by the way, we're brutally honest with each other and my God have we fought about all of it but at the end of the day I know it's really just cos we mean that much to each other.)

And I'm thankful for it.

hello 2016