itsladylazarus

I am exhausted.

How selfish is too selfish?

How selfless is too selfless?

Here's some food for thought- if choosing feelessness is selfish, then is choosing to love still selfless... or selfish?

I never expected, in my mid twenties, to still be struggling with the same issues as I did in my teens but really, does anyone ever really shake off the undertow of inadequacy, the burn of unmet expectations, the pressures of not meeting expectations?

Forgiveness is a bitter pill to swallow; is forgiveness selfish, or selfless?

What's the magic age when it finally stops hurting to live?

The highs are too high- the lows too low. When you're young, you're resilient. At 21 I had a rebound rate of 2 seconds. But 5 years later, it's suddenly 2 months after I decided to let my heart breathe again and I am so, so, so very tired.

I find myself resisting the urge to run as far away from you as I can, and even then the questions begin, and remain- why are you resisting? Where does this resistance come from? Why is the urge to run away borne of the same resistance that's telling me to stay? What does it mean? Do you really want me? Do I? What do you want? What do I want?

I think I finally understand why people choose to be cold. And why ice queen behaviour get better and easier with age.

Ice and fire, fire and ice. What's the in between? Lukewarm?

But... nobody wants to be lukewarm.

Right?