disquietude

I suppose in the wake of a lengthy, honest talk, I should be feeling relief, the easing of this knot of anxiety in my gut.

But instead all I feel is uncertainty and... ambivalence?

Now that it's out there, there are no more excuses I can make for you, no more maybes, no more benefit of the doubt.

And in the wake of this ongoing apathy on your part, I'm terrified that all that will be left to do would be to walk away.

I should really learn to start writing when I'm happy, and not just when I'm sad. This space needs to stop being a sad dump.

But that's for another time.

Tonight though.... My heart hurts.

Goodnight world.

I am exhausted.

How selfish is too selfish?

How selfless is too selfless?

Here's some food for thought- if choosing feelessness is selfish, then is choosing to love still selfless... or selfish?

I never expected, in my mid twenties, to still be struggling with the same issues as I did in my teens but really, does anyone ever really shake off the undertow of inadequacy, the burn of unmet expectations, the pressures of not meeting expectations?

Forgiveness is a bitter pill to swallow; is forgiveness selfish, or selfless?

What's the magic age when it finally stops hurting to live?

The highs are too high- the lows too low. When you're young, you're resilient. At 21 I had a rebound rate of 2 seconds. But 5 years later, it's suddenly 2 months after I decided to let my heart breathe again and I am so, so, so very tired.

I find myself resisting the urge to run as far away from you as I can, and even then the questions begin, and remain- why are you resisting? Where does this resistance come from? Why is the urge to run away borne of the same resistance that's telling me to stay? What does it mean? Do you really want me? Do I? What do you want? What do I want?

I think I finally understand why people choose to be cold. And why ice queen behaviour get better and easier with age.

Ice and fire, fire and ice. What's the in between? Lukewarm?

But... nobody wants to be lukewarm.

Right?

"Would you just stay with me?"

"Stay with you? What for? Look at us! We're already fighting!"

"Well that's what we do! We fight! You tell me when I'm being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you're being a pain in the ass! Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings, you have like a two-second rebound rate and you're back doing the next pain in the ass thing."

"So, what?"

"So it's not gonna be easy, it's gonna be really hard. And we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I wanna do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever. You and me. Everyday."

if you love me, don't let go

hold, hold on

hold on to me;

cos i'm a little unsteady

a little

unsteady

quarter life crisis

More and more I find that most of the pain I experience is self-inflicted.

Like being tired at work because I stayed up until 4am the night before doing absolutely nothing productive.
Like falling sick because I secretly eat too much crap.
Like not getting well because I take care of people more than myself.
Like feeling inadequate because I allow myself to feel that way.

Like torturing myself by reading your Tumblr over and over again.

I should be happy. Right? I have so much to be thankful for.

But yet I keep finding myself overwhelmed by sadness at the most unexplainable moments, and it sucks me dry and drains me of everything I have. I don't know how to make it stop. And it's getting harder to hide and make up reasons when people ask why I'm quiet, or listless, or sad.

How do you make someone understand the feeling of being not good enough until they've experienced what it means to feel like they're not good enough the same way I do?

You would think I would know better than to let inadequacy and pointless sadness continue to eat me up at the grand ol' age of 25 and 7.5 months but sometimes I feel like I never quite outgrew the pressures of being 16, sitting at the back of the classroom wishing I were

cooler
smarter
more talented
less lazy
prettier
skinnier
more confident
more extroverted
more genuine
less scared.

head vs heart

Once I loved a man, and he was everything I could ask for in a first love. The highs were terrifyingly high, the lows were crushing. We fought and made up and gave up and tried again and he left me and we moved on and we tried again and it didn't work and we lost touch and we then suddenly we didn't and it was like nothing changed and yet everything remained the same and the highs remained the highest high I've ever been on and the lows got worse than before and then I left him and I swore I would never do it again. 

Once I loved another man, and with him, I learnt to forget what it was like to love for love's sake. I traded passion for security, gave up the pounding hearts and crushing pain for a steady constantness, exchanged the dizzying peaks and heart lurching dips for a unfaltering forward trudge. And my heart grew cold. Until one day I found, that I had no more love for this man.

Then I met you. 

You thawed my frozen heart bit by bit, kindled a fire I forgot was there. You made me learn to love the highs and lows while staying mindful of the changes and staying on the right path despite the oscillations. You taught me to embrace the free fall while staying alert, you gave me unconditional love yet absolute freedom. It brought back a side of me I used to love that I forgot about, only stronger, more mindful, more deliberate, surer, and steadier.

But the pandora's box of life knows no differentiation, it can't tell the difference between love and hate, happiness and sadness, joy and fear. And so with this newfound happiness and freedom that you have given me, you have also brought back the things I forgot were there.

Is love worth it, when it comes at the cost of facing every ghost and demon you've worked so hard to hide all these years?