amen.

please don't give up on me

Torn between wanting to dissolve in a puddle of tears and wanting to stare this hard shit straight in the eye and say that I am stronger than this.

And I choose the latter.

I will face up to my flaws and fears and I will be a better person.

One way or another. Fucking hard or not. I will do this for myself.

Photo diary: Taiwan 2013

This space has lain dormant for quite a while, and I'm not sure why I haven't been here. This space reminds me of all that is happy and good and I should be more grateful for what I have.

And by that entire longwinded paragraph, I actually just meant to say: I WILL BLOG MORE. 

To kick things off: photo diary from Taiwan.

meh.

Life can be so very misleading sometimes.... and I need to figure out what I want to do, and do it quick, before everything drowns me. 

Some days it just feels like I'm going through the motions, and it feels like I'm not really living, at all. 

I'm happy on a really basic level- freelance work is pretty steady, I start a new full time job in a couple of weeks. Things with B are finally back on track after weeks of fighting (I hope), I'm financially doing okay, I'm spending time with my friends and having a social life. I'm saving money and planning ahead and hopefully moving out in a couple of months. But I can't help but feel like I'm stuck in this plateau of a life and I don't quite know how to get out because, in the first place, I don't know what wrong and what's causing this dissatisfaction. 

Can't help but feel like so much is a facade and there is nothing I want more than to be genuine about my life. 

So, the real question is, WHAT AM I EVEN UNHAPPY ABOUT???

LOVE.

Silly gifs that you are always so reluctant to take but always end up taking just to humour me anyway. 

As much as I know I do, I am still terrified of saying it out loud because I'm scared that as we grow, we will one day grow apart instead of together and find ourselves unable to overcome the distance, and then whoever I end up with will inevitably be second best. 

And that's kind of shitty. 

Seen on Facebook

People always think that the most painful thing in life is to lose the one you value. 

The truth is, the most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of valuing someone too much.

when the going gets tough, lace your shoes up tight and run.

i didn't blog in April at all. 

i am so very tempted to give up on everything. career, family, love, God. give up on life, altogether. this urge to run away is growing day by day. 

i have too many questions that i cannot answer.

but what i do know, is that i need to find Sylvia circa 2010 back. once upon a time i was sharp, focused, determined, and i could survive on the bare minimum. more than survive, i could find joy. then i became soft, weak, lazy, spoilt, and i have no one to blame but myself for that, really. but then J broke me, and instead of fighting back i just grew to accept rather than conquer the resulting one-dimensionalism, clinginess and insecurity.

enough. 

time to toughen the fuck up, sylvia. i will learn to stand back up on my own 2 feet & stop expecting people to be there 24/7 to help pick me up. 

the world owes you nothing. nobody is indispensible. & with or without you, life goes on.