Of expectations and the unexpected

“We all think we’re going to be great and we feel a little bit robbed when our expectation aren’t met, but sometimes our expectations sell us short. Sometimes the expected simply pales in comparison to the unexpected. you’ve got to wonder why we cling to our expectations because the expected is just what keeps us steady, standing still, the expected’s just the beginning. The unexpected is what changes our lives.”

- Grey's Anatomy

of life and love.

Communication. Trust. Commitment. Compromise. Respect.

Still learning to be a better person. Still trying to be a better person. Still failing.

One step at a time.

we are all made of stardust.

“The most astounding fact, the most astounding fact is the knowledge that the atoms that comprise life on earth - the atoms that make up the human body, are traceable to the crucibles that cooked light elements into heavy elements in their core under extreme temperatures and pressures. These stars- the high mass ones among them- went unstable in their later years- they collapsed and then exploded- scattering their enriched guts across the galaxy- guts made of carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, and all the fundamental ingredients of life itself. These ingredients become part of gas clouds that condense, collapse, form the next generation of solar systems- stars with orbiting planets. And those planets now have the ingredients for life itself. 

So that when I look up at the night sky, and I know that yes we are part of this universe, we are in this universe, but perhaps more important than both of those facts is that the universe is in us. When I reflect on that fact, I look up- many people feel small, ‘cause their small and the universe is big. But I feel big because my atoms came from those stars.

That’s a level of connectivity. That’s really what you want in life, you want to feel connected, you want to feel relevant. You want to feel like you’re a participant in the goings on and activities and events around you. That’s precisely what we are, just by being alive.”

6 years later

Always have, always will. 

Choose life.

"So why did I do it? I could offer a million answers, all false. The truth is that I'm a bad person, but that's going to change, I'm going to change. This is the last of this sort of thing. I'm cleaning up and I'm moving on, going straight and choosing life. I'm looking forward to it already. I'm going to be just like you: the job, the family, the fucking big television, the washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electrical tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter home, leisurewear, luggage, three-piece suite, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine to five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption, clearing the gutters, getting by, looking ahead, to the day you die."

6 things 20-somethings want

1. To own books. To have an apartment that houses an overstuffed bookcase overflowing with fiction, non-fiction, autobiographies, cookbooks, self-help, and cheesy romance novels. Underneath the windowsill overlooking the city, there will sit a leather lounge chair that you picked up at an antique store or yard sale. Here, you will sit and read all your wonderful books.

2. To be loved. By friends, family, men and women. To never be alone on a Friday night. You’ll host book club meetings in your apartment and show off your overflowing bookcase. You’ll do yoga on Tuesdays. You’ll take art history classes for fun. You’ll go on dates. When your world falls apart, you’ll always have someone to call for support. A loving soul will always be there to congratulate you on your accomplishments, give you a massage after a long day, hook that difficult bracelet latch around your wrist that you can never get on your own, and of course, tell you you’re beautiful.

3. To own a unique pet, like a cockatiel or miniature pig. To have a doorman who knows your name. On rainy days, you’ll attempt to watch all the classic movies you never watched when you were younger. You’ll call your mom every Sunday. You’ll write poetry for fun. You’ll read the New York Times at your local coffee joint and attempt to do the Sunday crossword puzzles. The barista will know your order without having to ask. One day, you’ll give up coffee for green tea, but what’s the rush?

4. To be successful. To receive invitations to fashion shows and art gallery openings, but only attend them selectively. To write beautiful things to fall upon the eyes of beautiful people. Your feet will be your main form of transportation. You’ll be the most fashionable person at the office. During lunch breaks, you’ll get lost in Barnes & Noble. You’ll call your boss by his or her first name and sometimes, when a deadline is approaching, you’ll shoot each other a text. You’ll have health insurance and a retirement plan.

5. To do something crazy — like move to China — and then blame it on a fleeting youth. To eat pizza in Rome. To accumulate frequent flyer miles. To, every once in awhile, fly first class.

6. To, one day, reread these hopes and desires, smiling at the things that came to fruition, and wondering what happened to those that didn’t.

(Source)

live life

I set this as my new iPhone lock screen recently and I think that's a mantra I really want to start living by. 

I've been feeling a bit aimless lately and I couldn't quite pinpoint the reason why. I just brushed it off as adjusting to full-time working life but even then I couldn't really fully convince myself that that was true given how I've never really stopped working since I started in this industry in 2009. Now that school's done, I think I need to set some new goals for myself- not just career goals or tangible material aims that would somehow signify some sort of growth in social stature, but some personal goals.

This double life is getting a bit exhausting to keep up. I think it's about time to face up to all the stupid decisions of my youth that I have made in my life, accept the consequences and start living the way I ultimately want to live, and not just hope to live. I think I am ready to change my life. I've always had this ideal standard that I would like to live by but never really had the courage to try to achieve it because it just felt like too much effort to have to try to change the way I live. I guess a part of it comes down to not wanting to put myself in a position where I risk failure. I hate failing. Who does? But avoiding new things so that I don't put myself in a position where I could possibly fail, while juvenile, seems to be my coping mechanism more often than not. Eeeks.

It occurred to me recently that just because some things are a habit, it doesn't mean that that's the best I can do. Neither is it the best for me. Just because some things are the way they have been for as long as I can remember, it doesn't mean it's right. I need to learn to stop taking comfort in worldly matters and things of the earth, but to focus on the life I want for myself in the long term. And to work towards that, no matter how long and hard the road is, how much judgement I will get for it, or how many people I lose in the process.

Baby steps, until I get to where I want to be, and become the person I want to be. A person I would be proud of.