a case of you
joni mitchell

just before our love got lost you said
“i am as constant as a northern star”
and i said “constantly in the darkness"

dear Jon M.

You'll find someone... just not me.

"love never dies a natural death. it dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. it dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. it dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings."

- anais nin

Secret thoughts

"What if I told you I felt the exact same way you do about her? That I love him more than anything. That despite knowing him for only such a while, I love him. Would that remind you of yourself? Would you understand the endless longing I have for him, the same way you long for her? Would you think that was the most hopelessly romantic thing that could possibly happen to a boy like you, to a girl like me? Would you ache to possess the love being showered upon him, and crave such affection in return?"

And then what if I told you that that him was you?

You want some honesty? Here's some.

Every day is a struggle to get through. Every single bloody day. I am exhausted and I don't even know why I want to exhaust myself when I'm supposed to be having my holidays but I feel so bloody empty if I don't fill every waking moment of my time. Even when I was in love and happy I still had this gnawing urge to fill up every second, every moment of my day and I am impossible to please because no matter what I do there's always this ache in me, the ache of something missing. It's not career, it's not God, it's not love, and I have no clue what it is but it's a struggle to get through every day completely dissatisfied with life and not knowing why. It's painful, and it's a struggle.

I am terrible with emotions. My emotions are completely inappropriate for social situations. I want to laugh in solemn situations, when I'm having a genuinely heart-warming friend bonding moment I find myself suddenly overcome with an overwhelming need to fall in love with a friend I normally would never ever consider dating, I start getting drowsy when there's a ton of work to do, I cry in horror movies and scream in chick flicks. And I am completely incapable of dating anyone without falling in love with him, without feeling like I am falling in love and ending up realising what I thought was love really isn't and feeling like a complete asshole. I am so bad at flings I don't know why I even pretend to have them, and wind up falling for every other asshole who walks into my life.

I am not as strong as I would like myself to think. As unlikely as it seems beneath this armoured vehicle exterior lies a completely emotionally unstable, mentally somewhat unsound and totally paranoid and slightly schizophrenic soul. I anchor crisis management and fix problems, and then fall apart only in the privacy of my own room under the covers where I am longing, dying for someone to come and give me a hug or stroke my hair but being too proud and too 'strong' to admit it.

And above everything, I am lonely. I am loud, and constantly in good company, and extroverted and well-loved. But at the end of the day all I return to, all I fall asleep to is this aching, aching loneliness that tells me I'm going to end up all alone.

sylvia is:

1. single again, alone again, lonely again.
2. exploited, overworked, under-rested.
3. in desperate need of a holiday.
4. going to be out of a paying job in 2 weeks.
5. craving company
6. having the stupidest crush of her life
7. tired of life.
8. a fabulous pretender.
9. not okay
10. eventually going to be okay.

contentment

You make my heart beat a little faster every time you look at me.
You make me forget what I want to say when you smile at me.
The world vanishes when you kiss me.

I could do nothing but sit and talk to you all day,
& still feel like I could fall in love over and over again.

I am so, so, so happy.