itsladylazarus

It's amazing how you look at things so differently after something major happens in your life.

It's been 4 and a half months since you've been gone. It's been the most traumatizing 4 months of my life- I've self-destructed and made the most irrational and seemingly impossible pledges and vows and bets (which I am still winning), I've gone hysterical and gone zen and back to what felt like normal and then apeshit-zen-normaled all over again, I've gone promiscuous and puritan and feminist and reliant and now everything's finally over and at the end of the day, I'm here and I look at the pieces left and I don't even know where to start piecing it back together. I don't even know where the pieces are cos I've just abandoned them and started again. It's like my life has changed completely in 4 months- I've never been closer to my parents, I'm taking school a bit more seriously now, my career path has completely changed, my future has completely gone bonkers, off track, back on track, and then changed tracks completely. The people I thought I were closest to in school vanished from my life completely, instead people who've always remained sort of... in the shadows just being quietly supportive became the people I completely relied on. At my downest and outest the people who were there for me weren't the ones I thought would be there, and the people who I thought would be there just bailed completely. And I am thankful for all of that. But it doesn't matter. For one, I know nothing will ever break me again. I know everyone says this after every breakup or whatever but I honestly think this case is... different (lol, if only half the people reading this had the slightest clue what I'm talking about). I've never been so lost or helpless, and I swear I'll never be like that again, ever. I've learnt so much and I'm really thankful. But that's not the point of this post.

The point of the post is this: a month ago, for the first time since J left me, I liked someone- like REALLY liked someone. I didn't think it would happen so soon- but the strange part was I didn't even feel a need to rush things. That was one. It was weird. I just felt like I had all the time in the world. I didn't want to fall in love, I was just content to like him and get to know him first. That's really strange because if you knew me well enough you'd know I used to want every guy I like to instantly fall in love with me and marry me NOW. So we've been talking every single day every single waking moment for about a month and flirting outrageously, and then today he told me that last night, he got together with this other girl. And whereas usually I would usually be really emo and upset, I was like ah bummer oh well. And that was it. It's not that I didn't really like him enough- Debbie and Donna and Edlyn and Nicole will testify to my endless gushing. But disappointment didn't hit. It was a okay-not-meant-to-be, chin-up-and-move-on moment. And I felt... fine.

The same thing happened with my show. I was really upset about the cancellation at first when it looked like things could still be salvaged. But once it became clear that it was over, I snapped right into: okay, damage control, and then close the case and plan forward. And the aching disappointment vanished.

I'm not sure what changed- maybe it's the fact that after something really major and earth shattering happens to you, everything gets put into perspective and disappointments become less disappointing because it's not as bad in comparison. Or maybe it's the fact that after having to make the hugest heart-vs-head decision I've made in my life so far and forcing myself to choose the logical, rational choice that caused me to lose everything, I've become more able to separate emotion from rationality and go with what's smart and good for me.

But it doesn't matter what the change is. I'm just grateful it happened. It changed my life. Talk about a turning point. I'm not sure what J thinks about this- maybe he'd feel betrayed that my life became better because of this, that I am seeing the silver lining in the cloud because he's still stuck in the cloud. But I hope he's learnt from this too. And I hope he learns good and it changes his life too. Then this wouldn't have been a waste. And if it does change his life, then I hope he realises it. He may or may not see it now, but what happened may perhaps be the best thing that has ever happened in our lives. And I hope he sees it and has the strength to be grateful.