I have a friend.

Most people don't understand it but we are just incredibly comfortable and open with one another and there's a mutual attraction but we have never tried to date. We talk about it all the time but it just never happened/happens. Maybe it's something to do with the fact that we were both in relationships with other people when we met and because of that, we never took it further than friendship despite the attraction and then things just stayed the same until now. It would probably be interesting to see how things would go if we started dating but I digress. This is not a post about wanting to take things further. This is a post about how I don't believe anything anyone says anymore- not even someone who managed to connect with me on a different level and allow me to be as open as I have been with him, and who I could genuinely be interested in.

We were talking the other day and he was being his usual egotistical self and expecting my usual overly crushing responses, but I realized that half the time instead of managing a quick comeback, I just ended up laughing and going '.....right.'. He called me out on it- 'Are you being sarcastic? Cos though we talk shit all the time, I actually do mean what I say.' And that was particularly jolting because I knew it was true. Despite all the shit we say to each other, we are always honest. And then the second shock came when I realized I've been doing it a lot lately. Not just to him, but to other friends as well. It's like I just don't believe in people anymore. My default setting used to be optimistic, and then be disappointed when I get let down. But these days, my default setting seems to be to expect everyone to let me down, and then end up being ridiculously happy over the smallest things people do. I can't decide if it's healthy or not. On one hand, lower expectations mean I am happier day to day, but does this mean that I am beginning to think the worst of people, even the people who have done nothing to deserve being thought of in such a manner?

This friend doesn't deserve it. Okay maybe he does a little bit for always being such a shameless asshole and telling me nice things and then not asking me out on a proper date but he really doesn't. None of my friends deserve it. And yet they all end up in the same general area of non-expectation in my mind. This has been nagging at me for a few weeks, but I can't seem to shake it off. And worse, I can't seem to pinpoint the cause of it. For a while, I thought it may have been the disappointment from everything that has happened, and I was upset because I felt like I was regressing. I think I've been doing a pretty stellar job of not letting it get to me so far; in fact I think it has the reverse effect- it made me more appreciative of what I have, and the people around me. Then it occurred to me that maybe J had simply hurt me more than I am willing to admit.

I'm very content with my life right now- I'm not dying to be in a relationship, neither do I really want to deal with the drama and emotional exhaustion of starting something with someone new. But sometimes it's just a little lonely and I wish I had a bit of affection and attention from a special someone. I am aware that I am contradicting myself but I am going to just blame that being Libran. So on one hand, I want to start meeting new people and I want to start dating again. But that also doesn't mean I am about to jump headfirst into a relationship. It's not about winning a bet, or not having the balls to open up to someone and be vulnerable for fear of being hurt. I'm just not ready because I don't want something so...intense. That's not to say I will absolutely not consider being in a relationship. I don't really understand why people enjoy making things so extreme. If it happens then it happens, if it doesn't then it doesn't. I'm not looking for something in particular- I'm just trying to enjoy the ride, and if having someone with me makes me happier, of course that would be wonderful. I wish people could understand that. I just want someone to talk to who will be there for me and not forget my existence, and to be able to have fun with, but at the same time it would be nice if said person wouldn't bail the moment the conversation gets a little more serious, much less the situation.

So how now brown cow? Methinks I should really stop being attracted to people who don't want the same thing as I do. 

 I really went off on a tangent here, didn't I. Shit.