donnasaur

full of nonsense and good advice xx

staycation weekend

Some visuals from the weekend:
Marina Bay Sands staycation for 2 nights with the girls, getting upgraded to a suite, night swimming in the freezing rooftop infinity pool, silly games and pillowfights, back to the pool for some tanning in really erratic weather, overpriced lunches, Power 98's Cafe Del Mar foam party, Halloween night at Le Noir.

It was an amazing weekend.

I have a friend.

Most people don't understand it but we are just incredibly comfortable and open with one another and there's a mutual attraction but we have never tried to date. We talk about it all the time but it just never happened/happens. Maybe it's something to do with the fact that we were both in relationships with other people when we met and because of that, we never took it further than friendship despite the attraction and then things just stayed the same until now. It would probably be interesting to see how things would go if we started dating but I digress. This is not a post about wanting to take things further. This is a post about how I don't believe anything anyone says anymore- not even someone who managed to connect with me on a different level and allow me to be as open as I have been with him, and who I could genuinely be interested in.

We were talking the other day and he was being his usual egotistical self and expecting my usual overly crushing responses, but I realized that half the time instead of managing a quick comeback, I just ended up laughing and going '.....right.'. He called me out on it- 'Are you being sarcastic? Cos though we talk shit all the time, I actually do mean what I say.' And that was particularly jolting because I knew it was true. Despite all the shit we say to each other, we are always honest. And then the second shock came when I realized I've been doing it a lot lately. Not just to him, but to other friends as well. It's like I just don't believe in people anymore. My default setting used to be optimistic, and then be disappointed when I get let down. But these days, my default setting seems to be to expect everyone to let me down, and then end up being ridiculously happy over the smallest things people do. I can't decide if it's healthy or not. On one hand, lower expectations mean I am happier day to day, but does this mean that I am beginning to think the worst of people, even the people who have done nothing to deserve being thought of in such a manner?

This friend doesn't deserve it. Okay maybe he does a little bit for always being such a shameless asshole and telling me nice things and then not asking me out on a proper date but he really doesn't. None of my friends deserve it. And yet they all end up in the same general area of non-expectation in my mind. This has been nagging at me for a few weeks, but I can't seem to shake it off. And worse, I can't seem to pinpoint the cause of it. For a while, I thought it may have been the disappointment from everything that has happened, and I was upset because I felt like I was regressing. I think I've been doing a pretty stellar job of not letting it get to me so far; in fact I think it has the reverse effect- it made me more appreciative of what I have, and the people around me. Then it occurred to me that maybe J had simply hurt me more than I am willing to admit.

I'm very content with my life right now- I'm not dying to be in a relationship, neither do I really want to deal with the drama and emotional exhaustion of starting something with someone new. But sometimes it's just a little lonely and I wish I had a bit of affection and attention from a special someone. I am aware that I am contradicting myself but I am going to just blame that being Libran. So on one hand, I want to start meeting new people and I want to start dating again. But that also doesn't mean I am about to jump headfirst into a relationship. It's not about winning a bet, or not having the balls to open up to someone and be vulnerable for fear of being hurt. I'm just not ready because I don't want something so...intense. That's not to say I will absolutely not consider being in a relationship. I don't really understand why people enjoy making things so extreme. If it happens then it happens, if it doesn't then it doesn't. I'm not looking for something in particular- I'm just trying to enjoy the ride, and if having someone with me makes me happier, of course that would be wonderful. I wish people could understand that. I just want someone to talk to who will be there for me and not forget my existence, and to be able to have fun with, but at the same time it would be nice if said person wouldn't bail the moment the conversation gets a little more serious, much less the situation.

So how now brown cow? Methinks I should really stop being attracted to people who don't want the same thing as I do. 

 I really went off on a tangent here, didn't I. Shit.

I have the most amazing collections of editorial scans in my Mac that I randomly save when I see things I love, but I have a terrible habit of never keeping track of where they're from. Oops.

Today, Debbie and I appeared at Donna's doorstep at 10 at night with ice cream, chips and popcorn to cheer up the poor girl who had to work on a public holiday. I'm glad we did cos it was more or less the highlight of my day.

 

Had dinner with D the dollface a couple of days ago. I hadn't seen that girl in ages- it was good catch up time and the food at Sushi Tei was yum as usual. We can never escape that place.

It's funny how things go- a year and a half ago we were restless and bored and having sushi together and wondering when happiness would come. A year and a half later, so much has happened. Happiness? Not quite there yet. But we've grown, and at the very least, we're content. And that's more than either one of us could ask for.

I turned 21 6 days ago.

They say 21 is supposed to be the pinnacle of your life- it's when life begins, supposedly.  We'll see how that goes.

I don't have the best of demeanors. And so I tend to hang on to the bad, overlook all the good, pick on the smallest things that make me unhappy and let these things ruin perfectly good days, perfectly good situations because of my inability to let go. In short, I am a bit of a tantrum throwing, attention seeking brat. But 2011 has been one of the worst years of my life, and it has truly been a life changing 6 months. However, it has also been the best. I've lost a lot, but things happen, and you grow. 

You can't fix someone else's mistakes. It doesn't matter how hard you try. And nobody deserves to beat themselves up over it, or allow anyone to talk them down because of it.

When you wake up one day and you find that bridges you didn't realise you burnt have already crumbled, mistakes you don't even realise you made have been made, and the one thing that grounded you has fallen apart, you tend to want to fall apart. But how long before you pick yourself up again? I'm not sure I have. But I sure as hell am trying.

I just hope that when times get rough, I don't fall back into whining and complaining and not actually doing anything to help myself but overlook all of that to find the lesson and learn from it. It may sound trite and cliche, but I really don't want to look back on my life 10 years from now, and realise that I've learnt nothing and that I'm exactly the same person.So for starters, here's a happy place to document the highs, let go of frustration, remember to be thankful and to document my gratitude. What's done is done- right now all I want to do is to constantly remember the good, learn from the bad, and to just be content.

So here's to living life, loving life, making full use of every opportunity I have and appreciating all the lessons along the way. 

S x

"He still loves you. He asks about you all the time."
"You know that time you said- that if he came back for you would probably not be able to stop yourself from taking him back... can you don't? I'm not like judging or anything, but as your friend I mean like... can you just please don't?"
"Are you okay with it now? I mean I know you're fine and everything but are you like, okay okay?"
"You have a wall. It's... it took me quite a while to break past that wall. To really get to you."
"You know it's really hard to find someone who loves you so much he will do anything, absolutely anything, for you right?"
"He lied to you for 6 solid months. Can you please remember that."
"You've shut down. I don't think you'll be okay until you meet someone who makes you want to fall in love again. Then you'll be very not-okay. But after that you'll be okay."

My friends want nothing but the best for me, but what exactly is the best for me? I am so sick of talking about it and I feel guilty making people listen to me talk about it. So I stop. Shutting it out isn't the problem. The problem is when I am eventually forced to face it. But even after 6 months, I still can't deal.

It's amazing how you look at things so differently after something major happens in your life.

It's been 4 and a half months since you've been gone. It's been the most traumatizing 4 months of my life- I've self-destructed and made the most irrational and seemingly impossible pledges and vows and bets (which I am still winning), I've gone hysterical and gone zen and back to what felt like normal and then apeshit-zen-normaled all over again, I've gone promiscuous and puritan and feminist and reliant and now everything's finally over and at the end of the day, I'm here and I look at the pieces left and I don't even know where to start piecing it back together. I don't even know where the pieces are cos I've just abandoned them and started again. It's like my life has changed completely in 4 months- I've never been closer to my parents, I'm taking school a bit more seriously now, my career path has completely changed, my future has completely gone bonkers, off track, back on track, and then changed tracks completely. The people I thought I were closest to in school vanished from my life completely, instead people who've always remained sort of... in the shadows just being quietly supportive became the people I completely relied on. At my downest and outest the people who were there for me weren't the ones I thought would be there, and the people who I thought would be there just bailed completely. And I am thankful for all of that. But it doesn't matter. For one, I know nothing will ever break me again. I know everyone says this after every breakup or whatever but I honestly think this case is... different (lol, if only half the people reading this had the slightest clue what I'm talking about). I've never been so lost or helpless, and I swear I'll never be like that again, ever. I've learnt so much and I'm really thankful. But that's not the point of this post.

The point of the post is this: a month ago, for the first time since J left me, I liked someone- like REALLY liked someone. I didn't think it would happen so soon- but the strange part was I didn't even feel a need to rush things. That was one. It was weird. I just felt like I had all the time in the world. I didn't want to fall in love, I was just content to like him and get to know him first. That's really strange because if you knew me well enough you'd know I used to want every guy I like to instantly fall in love with me and marry me NOW. So we've been talking every single day every single waking moment for about a month and flirting outrageously, and then today he told me that last night, he got together with this other girl. And whereas usually I would usually be really emo and upset, I was like ah bummer oh well. And that was it. It's not that I didn't really like him enough- Debbie and Donna and Edlyn and Nicole will testify to my endless gushing. But disappointment didn't hit. It was a okay-not-meant-to-be, chin-up-and-move-on moment. And I felt... fine.

The same thing happened with my show. I was really upset about the cancellation at first when it looked like things could still be salvaged. But once it became clear that it was over, I snapped right into: okay, damage control, and then close the case and plan forward. And the aching disappointment vanished.

I'm not sure what changed- maybe it's the fact that after something really major and earth shattering happens to you, everything gets put into perspective and disappointments become less disappointing because it's not as bad in comparison. Or maybe it's the fact that after having to make the hugest heart-vs-head decision I've made in my life so far and forcing myself to choose the logical, rational choice that caused me to lose everything, I've become more able to separate emotion from rationality and go with what's smart and good for me.

But it doesn't matter what the change is. I'm just grateful it happened. It changed my life. Talk about a turning point. I'm not sure what J thinks about this- maybe he'd feel betrayed that my life became better because of this, that I am seeing the silver lining in the cloud because he's still stuck in the cloud. But I hope he's learnt from this too. And I hope he learns good and it changes his life too. Then this wouldn't have been a waste. And if it does change his life, then I hope he realises it. He may or may not see it now, but what happened may perhaps be the best thing that has ever happened in our lives. And I hope he sees it and has the strength to be grateful.