contentment

You make my heart beat a little faster every time you look at me.
You make me forget what I want to say when you smile at me.
The world vanishes when you kiss me.

I could do nothing but sit and talk to you all day,
& still feel like I could fall in love over and over again.

I am so, so, so happy.

I have an sudden insane craving for hot chocolate with pretty fluffy marshmallows in them but I can't make hot chocolate with pretty marshmallows in them because despite the fact that I have the most awesome strawberry-flavoured dark chocolate hot chocolate mix, not only do I not have pretty fluffy marshmallows, but drinking a cup of hot chocolate right now will turn my semi-cold into a full-blown flu and I don't have time to be sick right now.

Yes yes I know my Livejournal has been nothing but emo and angst ridden but it's generally cos I tend to update only when I'm in a bad mood. No worries though for those of you who have been asking, yes I really am fine.

I realise that the older I get the less reliant I am on my Livejournal, and even when I find that I do need to write to release some sort of tension, I watch my words more closely. I guess it's the combination that maturity and the experience that being fucked over repeatedly brings, but I find that these days, I guard my thoughts and my feelings a lot closer than I used to.

It's so much easier to guard your heart and not let anyone in as opposed to opening yourself up to trusting people and being hurt over and over and over again. And when it comes to the point where you've been hurt over and over, it takes so much less effort to just shut people out then to actually invest your energies into facing these issues.

Call me a coward, but I choose escapism. Reliving all that for that tiny little extra bit of long-term strength you gain by facing fears and insecurities? It's not worth it.

I don't like the way things are now. I'm taking on bigger and bigger projects and I don't have anything to anchor me. I don't like working with people whose methods I don't agree with. I don't like that my ideas, and my ideals are being taken from me by someone I do not enjoy working with. I do not like X didn't even bother consulting me before bringing Y into this project. I don't like that my ass is on the line when I have barely been established in the industry. This is not what I expected.

I feel incompetent.

My impatience is reaching an all time high. I get irritated when people don't understand what I'm talking about when it's obvious to me. How much clearer do you need me to put it? Stupidity annoys me. Lack of initiative pisses me off. It's okay to be stupid and clueless if you're actively trying to improve yourself but when you have all the time in the world and all you do it waste it and not spend it improving yourself? Then you ought to be shot for how un-street smart you are.

Cluelessness annoys me.

Just when I thought I found Sylvia back again, I feel like I lost myself again just when I was so close to getting it back. I don't know who I am, I don't like all these conflicting emotions I'm feeling. I feel like I'm floating around and going with the flow and I have no clue what the fuck I want to do with my life. It's like I have my life so perfectly mapped out for me, but I suddenly feel like it's not something I can achieve. Not good enough. Plus my parents are starting to pay for my education so that I don't have to work anymore but I'm not sure I can deal with having so much time on my hands to be on my own. And I'm not sure I can deal with not having the financial freedom to do anything I want whenever I want cos I can afford to anymore.

I am insecure, and unstable, and I am scared.

But it's time to shove these feelings aside, grit my teeth and get back to work cos seriously? No one gives a shit about how I feel. They just want their deadlines.

fields of gold
eva cassidy

you'll remember me when the west wind moves
upon the fields of barley
you'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
as we walk in the fields of gold

so she took her love
for to gaze awhile
upon the fields of barley
in his arms she fell as her hair came down
among the fields of gold

will you stay with me, will you be my love
among the fields of barley
we'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
as we lie in the fields of gold

see the west wind move like a lover so
upon the fields of barley
feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth
among the fields of gold
i never made promises lightly
and there have been some that i've broken
but i swear in the days still left
we'll walk in the fields of gold

many years have passed since those summer days
among the fields of barley
see the children run as the sun goes down
among the fields of gold
you'll remember me when the west wind moves
upon the fields of barley
you can tell the sun in his jealous sky
when we walked in the fields of gold

it's 3am in the morning and having been lying on my bed for all of 3 days looking like death (think 39.4 deg c at it's peak), I really can't sleep anymore.

Of all things, I'm thinking of the great number of things in life I have missed out on.

Things that I've missed out on because of well, theatre. Theatre is a passion and it's something I take pride in doing well in. I have sacrificed a lot in life to get to where I am right now and I am willing to make even more sacrifices to get even further. But it makes me sad and guilty to recognize the price I have paid to be atypical and selfish and do what I really like instead of taking a typical business degree and having a 9-5 job. And lately I've found myself apologizing more and more when people ask me to hang out or ask me to celebrate someone's birthday and I can't because I have a show.

People have been nothing but understanding about how I put theatre above everything else (well, all except my parents, anyway) but it's not right. I should not be missing out on family dinners and birthdays, my closest friends' birthdays, engagements, weddings- milestones in their lives. I hate making it to only half of birthday parties or family dinners and having to rush off halfway. I hate how my best friends call me at night in a mess, needing someone to talk to and I have to whisper an apology and hang up on them because I'm in the middle of a show. I hate not being there for them and not being able to ease the burden.

I am not begrudging my sacrifices or regretting my choices in life; I am nothing but grateful for where these sacrifices has led me but I cannot help but wonder- how much more will theatre take from me before I say enough?