Most days I feel like the desire to not burden people is the heaviest burden to bear.

inadequacy

How do you shake off the feeling of unworthiness and inadequacy. It keeps coming back, again and again, hitting harder each time.

Everytime progress seems to have been made, it reappears to laugh in the face of my naivety and foolishness for ever thinking it's escapeable.

There are so many things being written and said about the concept of 'enough'.

They say 'enough is an understanding of and acceptance that we are all we need to be'.

They say 'you can't be enough for someone unless you learn to be enough for yourself'.

They say 'don't stand for not feeling good enough because you are'.

They say 'we can choose to see though the feeling of not being good enough by seeing all the good beyond our uncertainty'.

But I choose it daily. I read the right books. I surf the right websites. I practice journalling, I do daily gratitude exercises, I do my best in everything I do so that I can tell myself I did enough.

And yet.... It still doesn't feel enough.

on vulnerability

There is no feeling in this world more terrible than feeling like you're alone in wanting something that is supposed to be wanted together.

settle
/ˈsɛt(ə)l/

verb (used without object), settled, settling.

to decide, arrange, or agree
to arrange matters in dispute; come to an agreement
to rest, as from flight
to become calm or composed (often followed by down)

So often we're told that we should strive for more, work to do better, be better. And we're always told, in hushed tones, like it's the secret to life, or an accusation, that if we don't, we're 'settling'.

But my argument is this since it's an endless race, what's the difference between choosing happiness and contentment now rather than later?

What's so bad about settling, really? Why have we turned something that appears to me as a perfectly okay choice, into something to be used as a basis for judgement of people?

Who's to say I'm not as ambitious as any other person because I 'settle' for choosing happiness over chasing an endless goal? Who's to say I'm any less because my happiness is a priority to me?

When does it end? And if there's never going to be an end to it...... Then what the hell are we chasing?

I’m learning to tell you how I feel
because I don’t want to be the only one dreaming
and you’re out there living.
I’m learning to say it even if it’s too soon.

I’m learning to speak up when I don’t agree —
when I ask you why it took you too long to respond,
when I ask you why you’re not trying to see me
and when I tell you that I don’t believe you.

I’m done fearing losing you
by letting you get away with
everything that hurts me,
everything I’ll never do to you.

I’m learning to accept you
but also be honest with myself.
I’m learning that if I continue to act
this movie will eventually flop.

If I continue to hide behind my smile,
I’ll eventually burst into tears
and I’m learning to love people
who don’t always make me cry.

I’m learning to be honest with you
and tell you how I want to be loved
and if you can’t give me what I need
I’m learning how to live without you.

Rania Naim

Once a fight begins, it's almost impossible to stop it. People who love each other know exactly which old wounds to reopen to start a fight that accelerates out of control, until no amount of apologies or backtracking can stop it.

Unwanted responsibility is so so so suffocating.

Do you lose yourself more when you don't love yourself, or do you lose yourself more when you lose what makes you fundamentally you when you lose the desire to love and serve others?