at christmas you tell the truth

Favourite scene from my favourite holiday movie. 

I'm not sure who even still reads this anymore, but anyhow I'm glad this space exists for rare occasions like now when I am too lazy to journal but still have thoughts floating about my mind that need housekeeping. 

My life feels like a total contradiction at the moment. On the surface, I have never been in a better position- my year end payments have all been paid off and I'm not broke yet, my finances have finally stabilised, I made the biggest career milestone in my life and called my first full circus show and I am pretty proud of myself. I flunked my driving but I've rebooked my TP and I'm quite confident I will pass it the second time around. Friends I've always known are in for the long haul still make an effort to be part of my life despite the busyness, I've been managing my time well and making sure that I spend time with each of my groups of friends in my time off. The rest of my life is finally really beginning and I'm truly feeling like a responsible adult for the first time instead of feeling like a child playing House and acting like a grown up without actually knowing what being grown up means. Superficially everything else seems to be fine and dandy, but emotionally I'm so exhausted that it feels like my life is a total mess when in fact, it's not. 

I get that relationships are hard but they shouldn't have to be this hard. I've just come to a point where I feel so utterly spent that I just want somebody to tell me exactly what to do, and I will just execute whatever I'm told no questions asked. 

Decision making has always been my forte. Until it comes to myself, that is. 

This constant thinking and contemplating and cracking my head for a better approach to things is causing utter mental destruction; I find myself really slowing down mentally, losing the foresight that I've always been so proud of possessing, losing my alertness and sharpness, blanking out for seconds at a time and taking longer and longer for my brain to register stuff that would otherwise come naturally. 

Sometimes I really wish I could shut my brain off but you are the one constant running through my head and I'm so exhausted. I wish I could just fast forward to the part where it gets easier, or pause everything and let myself breathe for a bit, or as a last ditch attempt, just erase every last memory of you so this constant shittiness can finally pass. But life doesn't work that way, and instead of being bitter about it I'm just resigning myself to the constant mental and emotional exhaustion. 

I really, really, really need a holiday. Or maybe I just need to up and disappear, find a new life elsewhere. Somewhere I can be anyone I want to, somewhere I can make up a life story for myself to tell, somewhere nobody knows enough about me to let my past affect the future. Somewhere I can be who I want to be instead of constantly needing to pay for the mistakes that I once made but somehow will never be forgiven for. 

The hope of finally being able to find peace through those means, is so very tempting. 

Love without agenda or expectation- oh what I wouldn't give. The best kind of love to receive. The kind of love that nobody deserves. The most touching and selfless form of love that exists. The sweetest love to possess. 

Unfortunately, then reality kicks in and societal pressures are applied and love, simply isn't enough anymore. 

5 more days to the end of the year. 5 more days to make 2013 count. 

Merry Christmas, everyone. 

tiredness.

I honestly don't know how people do it.

I love my job; but the long hours are causing the beginnings of the little stirrings of resentment to form, and I am not sure how I feel about it.

I am tired all the time, physically, mentally. I just feel like I need a little more than a day off at a time to recover from the rest of the week, but life goes on the clock keeps on ticking and everyday is one day closer to opening an incomplete show.

I don't know how some people can work the same hours that I do, then go home, bake cupcakes, clean the house, do their laundry, fall asleep and wake up bright and chirpy for another day of work. I just want to sleep and never wake up and I would pretty much give anything just to have a night's sleep where I don't wake up aching and still feeling unrested.

To be honest I don't think it's my long work hours that is causing the exhaustion, the problem is just that even when I get to sleep, I am not sleeping well. I wake up multiple times a night, have long dreams that dissolve into nightmares, I wake up utterly confused and not sure what actually happened in real life and what happened only in my sleep. I sleep for hours and I wake up and I am just so so tired.

I have no idea why I see and feel so much in my sleep and I can't pinpoint why I wake up physically aching everywhere and it's exhausting, living like this.

Well then.... so much for my resolution to blog more frequently.

I haven't been here in a while, I guess writing more privately has helped cos I tend to write a little more freely.

Life hasn't been all that great lately; my immune system is shit useless, I've been in a downward spiral emotionally for no good reason and I'm generally exhausted and cranky and irritable all the time.

Patience is not a strong suit of mine.

In other news, I turned 23 last week and frankly, getting older scares the shit out of me cos I still have no idea what I want to do with my life, I still have no idea what direction I should take with my career, still have no 5-year or 10-year plan - heck I don't even have a one year plan.

Oh well... one day at a time.

Will be back soon with some happy memories to share. I promise... kind of... maybe?

Your value doesn’t decrease based on somebody’s inability to see your worth.

Be with someone who challenges you,
Who you can have conversations about both scholarly matters, and the goofiest nonsense with.
Be with one who makes you grow,
Who makes you a better you.

my favourite.

self control

Happiness is a choice, not a result. Nothing will make you happy until you choose to be happy. No person will make you happy unless you decide to be happy. Your happiness will not come to you. It can only come from you.

Ralph Marston

amen.

please don't give up on me

Torn between wanting to dissolve in a puddle of tears and wanting to stare this hard shit straight in the eye and say that I am stronger than this.

And I choose the latter.

I will face up to my flaws and fears and I will be a better person.

One way or another. Fucking hard or not. I will do this for myself.

Photo diary: Taiwan 2013

This space has lain dormant for quite a while, and I'm not sure why I haven't been here. This space reminds me of all that is happy and good and I should be more grateful for what I have.

And by that entire longwinded paragraph, I actually just meant to say: I WILL BLOG MORE. 

To kick things off: photo diary from Taiwan.

meh.

Life can be so very misleading sometimes.... and I need to figure out what I want to do, and do it quick, before everything drowns me. 

Some days it just feels like I'm going through the motions, and it feels like I'm not really living, at all. 

I'm happy on a really basic level- freelance work is pretty steady, I start a new full time job in a couple of weeks. Things with B are finally back on track after weeks of fighting (I hope), I'm financially doing okay, I'm spending time with my friends and having a social life. I'm saving money and planning ahead and hopefully moving out in a couple of months. But I can't help but feel like I'm stuck in this plateau of a life and I don't quite know how to get out because, in the first place, I don't know what wrong and what's causing this dissatisfaction. 

Can't help but feel like so much is a facade and there is nothing I want more than to be genuine about my life. 

So, the real question is, WHAT AM I EVEN UNHAPPY ABOUT???

LOVE.

Silly gifs that you are always so reluctant to take but always end up taking just to humour me anyway. 

As much as I know I do, I am still terrified of saying it out loud because I'm scared that as we grow, we will one day grow apart instead of together and find ourselves unable to overcome the distance, and then whoever I end up with will inevitably be second best. 

And that's kind of shitty. 

Seen on Facebook

People always think that the most painful thing in life is to lose the one you value. 

The truth is, the most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of valuing someone too much.

when the going gets tough, lace your shoes up tight and run.

i didn't blog in April at all. 

i am so very tempted to give up on everything. career, family, love, God. give up on life, altogether. this urge to run away is growing day by day. 

i have too many questions that i cannot answer.

but what i do know, is that i need to find Sylvia circa 2010 back. once upon a time i was sharp, focused, determined, and i could survive on the bare minimum. more than survive, i could find joy. then i became soft, weak, lazy, spoilt, and i have no one to blame but myself for that, really. but then J broke me, and instead of fighting back i just grew to accept rather than conquer the resulting one-dimensionalism, clinginess and insecurity.

enough. 

time to toughen the fuck up, sylvia. i will learn to stand back up on my own 2 feet & stop expecting people to be there 24/7 to help pick me up. 

the world owes you nothing. nobody is indispensible. & with or without you, life goes on. 

tired.

is there anyone else who is truly, truly sick of all the walls? how we say we're okay when we're not, put up pretenses, pretend to be everything we're not, say things to make you look a certain way, lie to be socially acceptable, say things we don't mean and don't mean the things we say. why can't everyone just be straightforward, honest, and open? sure it might be brutal, but it saves us all from a lot of torturous second-guessing, from making assumptions, from bitchy, catty remarks meant to cut and hurt in a smarmy undertone rather than giving constructive, direct criticism. wouldn't life be so much easier? and isn't that what we should all be doing- making each others life easier? 

why do people insist on deliberately saying genuinely evil things and hurting others, when you can so easily convey the same message without the unnecessary hurt? why would anyone deliberately, purposely and consciously CHOOSE to hurt someone? are you sick in the head, or what? 

i cannot understand the revenge mentality. why are we all so bent on winning, on proving that you're better than someone else by deliberately pushing other people down, on making everyone miserable just cos you are unsatisfied with your own life? if you aren't where you want to be yet, doesn't it make sense to help someone get there, instead of push them down to lift yourself up?

why so selfish? 

why so unloving? 

why so little compassion? 

it shouldn't be this hard

light

"He was a boy, just a boy, when I was a very young girl. When I was sixteen, I made the discovery -- love. All at once and much, much too completely. It was like you suddenly turned a blinding light on something that had always been half in shadow, that's how it struck the world for me."

- A Streetcar Named Desire, Tennessee Williams

things to remember

August 2012. 

We're at East Coast at sunset after your windsurf training, gorgeous weather and a surprise picnic I packed. You are unspeakably amused at the picnic mat I brought. "It's like a real picnic!" Your eyes light up at the sight of the food I cooked that I know you like- mac and cheese, grilled honey glazed chicken, strawberries and chocolate fondue for dessert. And then I pull out wet wipes, ice cold drinks, speakers and a picnic playlist, and you laugh at the detail I've put into the planning. You enthusiastically dig in, and then you suddenly stop and you look at me with this look in your eyes. Reach out for my hand and pull me towards you, and you press your lips against mine and kiss me with a tenderness so gentle that it takes my breath away.

I want to remember that moment forever. 

Little Talks- Of Monsters and Men

I don't like walking around this old and empty house.

So hold my hand, I'll walk with you my dear

The stairs creak as I sleep, 

it's keeping me awake

It's the house telling you to close your eyes

Some days I can't even dress myself.

It's killing me to see you this way.

'Cause though the truth may vary

this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore.

There's an old voice in my head 

that's holding me back

Well tell her that I miss our little talks.

Soon it will all be over, buried with our past

We used to play outside when we were young

and full of life and full of love.

Some days I feel like I'm wrong when I am right.

Your mind is playing tricks on you my dear.

You're gone, gone, gone away, 

I watched you disappear.

All that's left is a ghost of you.

Now we're torn, torn, torn apart, 

there's nothing we can do,

Just let me go, we'll meet again soon.

Now wait, wait, wait for me, please hang around

I'll see you when I fall asleep.

Don't listen to a word I say

The screams all sound the same.

Though the truth may vary

this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

you are my light

One misunderstood question or a misread tone and we find ourselves at the same point we keep finding ourselves at for the last 2 months and I push and you withdraw and I push some more and you keep your silence until I burst and you lash out and every fight feels like it's going to be the last one, that this time when you say we should just end this so we can be happier that it's really going to be over and we say terrible things that hurt so badly, and I don't understand you and you dont understand me and it feels like we will never be able to get past any of this but at the end of the day when I've exhausted you with my words and myself with all the tears and there's nothing left to say, you drive me home and we're quiet in the car, and when we reach my house you get off the car to say goodbye, and you wrap your arms around me so tight it almost hurts and you lift me off the ground and kiss me on the forehead and say goodnight, and in that instant it overwhelms me, this crippling fear that I might very well end up losing you and the constant fear that every day might be our last together and I know in the very depth of my soul, that I will never stop loving you for the rest of my life.