Favourite scene from my favourite holiday movie.
I'm not sure who even still reads this anymore, but anyhow I'm glad this space exists for rare occasions like now when I am too lazy to journal but still have thoughts floating about my mind that need housekeeping.
My life feels like a total contradiction at the moment. On the surface, I have never been in a better position- my year end payments have all been paid off and I'm not broke yet, my finances have finally stabilised, I made the biggest career milestone in my life and called my first full circus show and I am pretty proud of myself. I flunked my driving but I've rebooked my TP and I'm quite confident I will pass it the second time around. Friends I've always known are in for the long haul still make an effort to be part of my life despite the busyness, I've been managing my time well and making sure that I spend time with each of my groups of friends in my time off. The rest of my life is finally really beginning and I'm truly feeling like a responsible adult for the first time instead of feeling like a child playing House and acting like a grown up without actually knowing what being grown up means. Superficially everything else seems to be fine and dandy, but emotionally I'm so exhausted that it feels like my life is a total mess when in fact, it's not.
I get that relationships are hard but they shouldn't have to be this hard. I've just come to a point where I feel so utterly spent that I just want somebody to tell me exactly what to do, and I will just execute whatever I'm told no questions asked.
Decision making has always been my forte. Until it comes to myself, that is.
This constant thinking and contemplating and cracking my head for a better approach to things is causing utter mental destruction; I find myself really slowing down mentally, losing the foresight that I've always been so proud of possessing, losing my alertness and sharpness, blanking out for seconds at a time and taking longer and longer for my brain to register stuff that would otherwise come naturally.
Sometimes I really wish I could shut my brain off but you are the one constant running through my head and I'm so exhausted. I wish I could just fast forward to the part where it gets easier, or pause everything and let myself breathe for a bit, or as a last ditch attempt, just erase every last memory of you so this constant shittiness can finally pass. But life doesn't work that way, and instead of being bitter about it I'm just resigning myself to the constant mental and emotional exhaustion.
I really, really, really need a holiday. Or maybe I just need to up and disappear, find a new life elsewhere. Somewhere I can be anyone I want to, somewhere I can make up a life story for myself to tell, somewhere nobody knows enough about me to let my past affect the future. Somewhere I can be who I want to be instead of constantly needing to pay for the mistakes that I once made but somehow will never be forgiven for.
The hope of finally being able to find peace through those means, is so very tempting.
Love without agenda or expectation- oh what I wouldn't give. The best kind of love to receive. The kind of love that nobody deserves. The most touching and selfless form of love that exists. The sweetest love to possess.
Unfortunately, then reality kicks in and societal pressures are applied and love, simply isn't enough anymore.
5 more days to the end of the year. 5 more days to make 2013 count.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
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