"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself."
Neil Gaiman

This summarises my wishes for everyone next year, as succinctly as I could ask for.

Last day of 2009, and I'm heading out in a bit. No crazy partying for me this year- I'm giving Zouk a miss to meet new people, make new friends and hang out with a decade's worth of musical theatre scores and a grand piano at H's.

If you ask me, I can't think of a better way to usher in the New Year.

Happy 2010 everyone (:

My last show for 2009 closes tomorrow, and then I'll probably be taking a quick break before rehearsals start for my next show so here's my annual retrospection post, 2 days early. Happy New Year everyone, hope 2009 was as kickass for you as it was for me, and here's to a good 2010 (:

"I can't wait for 2009. Payback for the hell of a 2008- 2009's gonna be a good year, I can feel it. (:"

- 27th December 2008

Dear 2009,

Wow. That's the only word that my (lack of) grey matter can conjure up to summarise what you've given to me.

A year ago I wrote that 2009 had better kick ass to make up for the hell that was 2008 and boy has it kicked some serious ass. Despite the ups and downs that life will never fail to throw your way, it has been a wonderful year. I would say this has been one of the best years of my life so far in terms of how much fun I had, and in terms of how much I have grown.

Realising that what I wanted was not a typical university education; fighting to pursue my dreams and struggling to prove (to myself more than anything) that this is what I really want; opportunities finding their way to me (for which I am incredible thankful for); seeing doors open before my very eyes despite being but a lowly undergrad. It's so amazing to find myself having a completely manageable time at school despite my significant lack of brain power for the first time in my life. And there has definitely been a higher power at work in terms of the opportunities I've been given in my career this year- the number of steps I've taken upward in less than a year is something I never dreamed of. Working with companies I've never worked with before and screwing up so many times and being humbled and learning so much. I have never been more blessed despite being less appreciative and for that I am grateful.

And I couldn't have done anything without the incredible people that have been there every step of the way, old, new, or sustained. People who never judge or condemn but instead choose to be my source of support and safety net despite our crazy perpetually clashing schedules. People I met only this year but have been there for me nonetheless; my lovely crazy AM3A homies, people from all my productions this year- people who have become family, and people who've been every step of the way.

This year, I made only one resolution- I will not get my heart broken. I had only one resolution, and still I broke it. But I learnt so much- about myself, about people, about manipulation and trust and how to heal. I used to think every heartbreak breaks you a little more, but now I realise it makes you stronger. I lived and I learnt and it's an experience I don't regret.

My eyes have really been opened up to how cruel people can be this year- I realised how little I actually knew about people and the world. I would say the most important thing I've learnt this year is how to choose my battles wisely. The world is not a kind place, but with a little wisdom (and selective ignorance), things become a hell lot more tolerable. It has been a long and hard journey and I don't know what is going to happen next,but whatever it is, I know that it will not take me down and that's all I need to know. Tolerance and patience are not my strong suits, but I have been repeatedly tested this year (and failed many a time) and for that I am infinitely humbled.

I guess my response to 2009 can be summarised with a big fat 'Thank you' to the many people who have made this year fabulous and unforgettable in every way. Here's a tribute to an incredible 2009 , and to a smashing 2010. You certainly have a lot to live up to.

S.

"there should be a law somewhere that limits grief. a rule book that says its alright to wake up sobbing like a wreck, but only for a week. that after one month you will no longer feel this twist in your guts and rapid heartbeats when you think of him. there will be no fine imposed if you throw away all things that remind you of him cuz it cuts you fresh again to see it. that it is okay to measure the time he’s gone, the same way we once measured the time we had been together."
- Rozz.

merry christmas

My life right now is a mess of impulsive choices and rash decisions. One of throwing caution to the wind and saying whatever is on my mind, but I'm guessing that one day all this will come back and smack me in the face.

Then again, I'm only 19 once.

Merry Christmas everyone!

hello heartache

Today I felt my first pang.

It's been good, I've been good. It's been really nice spending time with my friends again- having coffee with people I've missed and meeting people I haven't caught up with in a long time, and rediscovering who I was before. It's been good getting to know new people, having long talks with F and having him be honest about his past despite his flaws, getting to know DH and feeling so humbled knowing what he thinks about me. It's been good knowing that I am still attractive enough and personable enough for people to be interested. And it's been really really reassuring to have my friends there whenever I need any of them, to be able to be perfectly honest with them, and to know that I am loved.

But today I felt my first pang. I felt it creeping on this afternoon but the company kept it out of my mind. Then I came home and watched the much-talked-about Xiaxue proposal video, and when it came to the part where she said, "Before Mike, I thought no one would ever love me cos I'm so foul-mouthed and all that other nonsense... but he did.", I felt a pang so deep that I surprised even myself.

It hurt. I miss having someone, I ache for the love and blind faith that I lost, and I'm so resentful that once again I was given the choice of having so much love under so many conditions and I made the choice to walk away from it all over again. It really, really hurt.

Tomorrow I will be okay, but just for tonight, allow me to cry for the conclusion of yet another chapter in my book of failed relationships.

the deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
and is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
when you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

- khalil gibran

So I'm still not officially single, but totally not attached... I don't know what I am, actually.

I've been intentionally bothering with how I look, getting up earlier to put on makeup and contacts. Call me desperate, call me a whore but I do it with the intention of getting the attention of the staging boys just so I can feel a bit better about myself. And it works cos I'm being madly flirted with by a lot of them. It's strange- I'm getting so much attention, but I'm not happy. Like yes they're cute and all and I wouldn't mind going out with one (or a few) or them but I don't even feel anything. When they flirt back I'm not really interested even though I would really like to move on with life- I'm not even excited, just glad that I have people to occupy my time with and focus my energy on and spend my life drinking myself silly with.

Truth is, I'm not really okay.

I just feel empty. With him, I felt so empty so I thought I would feel better without him. But even without him, I still feel empty.

There's this void that I don't know how to fill anymore.

mindless updates

"Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take is the worst of suffering." 
- Paulo Coelho

So ironic that this is your favourite author.
-
In other news, I've been having a hell lot of fun with BB. Post-show drinks/supper almost every night with the crew/wardrobe or staging boys, plus raging gossip at every turn. I've realised that the shows I've been working are so clean and innocent; I'm seeing all the scandal in theatre all of a sudden. The Esplanade staging boys are a fucking riot, I'm so glad we're part of their nonsense. I don't think I've ever had so much fun doing a production. 6 more shows to go and I'm already feeling the post-production blues.

what happened to the nice guys?

"I see this question posted with some regularity in the personals section, so I thought I'd take a minute to explain things to the ladies out there that haven't figured it out.

What happened to all the nice guys?

The answer is simple: you did.

See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He'd tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn't feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were fucking treated you.

At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were "just friends." Besides, he totally wasn't your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn't know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.

Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you werent dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren't the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you're single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, "What happened to all the nice guys?"

Well, once again, you did.

You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive "just-a-" friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren't really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you're upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he'd have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an asshole than he ever wanted to be.

Fact is, now, he's probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I'm sorry that it took the complete absence of "nice guys" in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that.

So, if you're looking for a nice guy, here's what you do:

1.) Build a time machine.
2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ass.
3.) Take a look at what's right in front of you and grab ahold of it.

I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don't really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you.

If you were five years younger.

So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you've fucked yourself over. You're getting older, after all. It's time to excise the bullshit and deal with reality. You didn't want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn't fucking want you, now.

Sincerely,

A Recovering Nice Guy"