unloading

I have a lot of things on my mind and I don't know if I should say them or if I should just let them go because the non confrontational conflict hating part of me feels like just letting all of this go sometimes when people ask what's wrong I'm so tired that I don't even feel like explaining anymore but a part of me also feels like just screaming my heart out only to see if you really care and mean what you say because to be quite honest I don't know anymore talk is so cheap and I am so tired of feeling like The Other when I am not I hate feeling like some mistress I'm sorry I'm not as crazy forward or open with my emotion but I have issues with shit like this and it's not like you don't know I'm particularly sensitive to things like this just because I usually suck it up and shut it and deal doesn't mean it doesn't get to me you know what fuck it she can win I've already taken back everything I've ever said on there anyway might as well exit this game for good I'll just stop I feel like just because I'm tolerant people take me for granted and even though I know I have people who appreciate me and are there for me I don't even know if I have you because you really don't seem to give a damn how many days haven't we even had a proper conversation already I know you're tired but newsflash I think I'm more exhausted than you are but I'm still making an effort and sometimes I just feel like picking a fight because I'm so bloody tired and I just need a reason to scream at someone without feeling like a crazy person because at home at work at school I can never scream at anyone because I'm just not allowed to lose my temper even though I am always on the edge but I control myself I hate all this drama seriously the more I try to avoid it the more it comes to look for me maybe I should just be in my own little bubble and work myself to the ground because for a year and a half that's what I did and it seemed to work and love comes with all these crazy emotions and I'm beginning to remember why I swore never to love again I'm torn between not wanting this and loving you so much more that I would like to believe I do and it's scary when you have no control over what you feel anymore I feel so much more human but human's don't always make rational decisions do they this shit is fucking with my mind I don't know everything just feels really superficial right now and I don't know what is real and what is imagined because it seems like I can never make any smart decisions in life maybe it's just the PMS and general exhaustion talking but I feel like I want to die but both you and I and the whole wide world know that I will never speak about this entry or anything associated with this ever again and I will just swallow it and move on with life because that is just the kind of person I am I would rather tolerate and repress everything I feel that to actually be honest about my feelings and talk about myself and so nothing will go wrong and the next time I see you I will be silly and happy and myself again but you know I guess while everything is falling apart and I am having a bad day I just want to cry and you know I don't cry in front of people because I don't like being seen as I don't know human I guess but at the end of the day it's just you I want and really the only thing I can hold on to but,

you're not there.

insomnia

Sometimes, when I'm lying in bed and I can't sleep, I pretend I have superpowers.

I'd pretend I had the ability to vanish people from my life. Not from existence, mind you- but just from my life. I'd vanish you, and you, and you, and life would instantly be a lot easier to live.

I'd pretend I had the ability to read thoughts. Then life would be less complicated because I'd know what everyone really wanted from me instead of what people claim they want from me.

I'd pretend I had the ability to turn back time. If I could do things a second time around maybe I would have had the courage to have been able to fix things a long time ago.

I'd pretend I had the courage to tell people how I really feel. Be able to talk about the mess in my head instead of just bits and pieces that just confuse people. Be able to trust people unconditionally without fear of being judged.

It's sad when you lose a friend.
When you find them back, only to lose them a second time- that's just pathetic.

But that's the way life is- you can't have everything you want (like superpowers).

off balance

I feel like I'm leading a double life and it's getting harder and harder to convince myself that they are both worth living.

I find that it takes more and more of the things that used to make me happy then to make me happy now.

Desperately need some me-time. I've been feeling a bit off lately.

Somehow it just feels like it's not enough.

I hate this perpetually feeling of 'lack'.

I just want to sleep.

"Look, other bands, they want to make it about sex or pain, but you know, The Beatles, they had it all figured out, okay? "I Want to Hold Your Hand." The first single. It's effing brilliant, right?... That's what everybody wants, Nicky. They don't want a twenty-four-hour hump sesh, they don't want to be married to you for a hundred years. They just want to hold your hand."

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist

sorry my love how was it when you found love at the edge of a soft curve did you suck back a holler you're scared it might hurt sorry my love when was it you felt calmer on your back and you're breathless did you hold on for comfort or just to lick your thirst sorry my love

What do you do when people disappear from your life, only to reappear, shoving a truckload of times you want to remember and times you don't want to remember down your throat?

What do you do when you feel like you want something but you know that ultimately you don't actually want it?

What do you do when your heart betrays your mind?

You do nothing. You walk away & you be content and grateful for life as it is.

Goodnight everyone. Sylvia is happy, and strong, and proud of herself (:

disgruntled

I constantly find myself at the bottom of the Pyramid of Screaming. I'm always being screamed at and if there's one other thing other than being slapped in the face that really unleashes my violent streak, it's being screamed at in my face. It's annoying, it's rude, and it's bloody unhygienic.

It doesn't matter where I work, there's always some crazy person screaming at me. Purchasing a 20$ ticket does not make you very big, nor does it buy you the right to scream in my face. I really fucking hate it when people come late and expect to be let in immediately, and then scream at me when I explain that they have to wait for the latecomer's queue. I feel like just punching them in the face and screaming back at them DON'T FUCKING SCREAM AT ME YOU STUPID WHORE. But then I'd get fired and I'd be jobless in addition to having been screamed at.

I silently fume all the way home,where I get screamed at again because as the youngest, I am, by default, at the bottom of the pyramid of screaming.

So I bite my tongue and go downstairs and kick some cats.

I hate that no one takes me seriously just cos of my age when I am perfectly competent at what I do. Age does not equate to wisdom, knowledge, or competence, and just because you are jealous that I have lesser wrinkles than you does not allow you to treat me with any less respect.

ANGRY.

Gonna be busy as hell for the next 2 months, but I'm looking forward to being exhausted. It's been way too long since my schedule was this packed. Right, off to bed xx

(I was kidding about the cats btw. I just go for combat class and punch and chop away all my anger PLEASE DON'T ABUSE ANIMALS.)

my favourite movie

"i shouldn’t want the song to end. i always think of each night as a song. or each moment as a song. but now i’m seeing we don’t live in a single song. we move from song to song, lyric to lyric, from chord to chord. there is no ending here. it’s an infinite playlist."

"i used to think when i got older, the world would make so much more sense, but you know what? the older i get, the more confusing it is, the more complicated- you’d think we’d get better at it."

nick and norah’s infinite playlist

sonnet xxv
pablo neruda

before I loved you, love, nothing was my own
i wavered through the streets, among objects
nothing mattered or had a name
the world was made of air, which waited

i knew rooms full of ashes,
tunnels where the moon lived,
rough warehouses that growled ‘get lost’,
questions that insisted in the sand

everything was empty, dead, mute,
fallen abandoned, and decayed
inconceivably alien, it all

belonged to someone else, to no one
till your beauty and your poverty
filled the autumn plentiful with gifts