Random gift from dad / Cityscapes / In hopes of love and luck
Thursday, April 05, 2012
where do i begin
"Upon realizing you no longer love you ex, you wait for the familiar rush of nausea, but it doesn’t come. Pause and consider this. Why not? This is, after all, the person who put you in an emotional coma for what felt like forever, who is borderline responsible for the subtraction of thirty pounds and probably as many years off your life, judging by the endless cigarette cartons and liquor bottles that are still turning up around the apartment. How can you think about this person, this person you signed away your heart to and who once meant the world to you, and suddenly, inexplicably, feel nothing at all?”
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
How To Become The Person You Want To Be
"You’re missing something. You’re watching everything pass you by and it’s making you anxious but you’re not quite sure how to catch up. A small part of you doesn’t even want to catch up. You’ve become comfortable in your complacency, comfortable in your own mistakes. Your slip ups have become some kind of solace. They’re yours to keep. Flaws have become some sick substitute for a relationship and you take them to bed with you.
You’re too young to be completely happy. You’re currently living your lost years and even though it’s taking you down, you’re not ready for the alternative. Something that no one likes to admit is that it sort of feels good to screw up. You don’t think you know exactly what you’re doing? You can pretend to be naive to spare everyone else’s feelings but let’s not get confused: you’re in control here. Every step of the way.
That is, until you’re not. The thing about being a mess is that you eventually do lose control. The self-destructive spiral you’ve been orchestrating gets ripped away from you and put in the hands of something much bigger. Then you’re f***ed. Then you’re going to be saying “JK! Take me back to the land of stability and normalcy! I’m done living my lost years. Now I just would like to be found!”
Your life is precarious. When you were in high school and college, you treated your mortality like it was a crappy purse. You stomped on it, broke a strap, let a vodka bottle spill out and ruin the leather. You did all of this believing it would all be repaired while you were sleeping, and it usually was. You reach a point, however, when the leather stays torn, when the piece of crap bag becomes beaten beyond repair. Simply put, you have to take a more proactive role in maintaining your happiness and well-being. You’re not just someone watching their own life from afar. You’re in it now. And if you don’t take care of it, it will fall to pieces.
This is how someone becomes the person they want to be. They make changes. They stop taking those pills, clutching those drinks, and start deleting those numbers in their phone that might as well be daggers. They take responsibility for themselves. This might sound so minor but something you all must know by now is that we’re often our own worst enemy. We can’t blame something on a lack of self-awareness. We’re all aware, which makes it that much harder when we see ourselves making the same mistakes. We often wonder why we do the things we do. But we already know why. Knowing and doing are two different things though. I know that x, y, and z make me unhappy but I guess, in the end, I just don’t care enough to make changes. You can’t force yourself to care. You need to reach a point where you DO care which can take a long time.
But once you do reach it, there’s no going back. Being a broken mess is a blast at 19 but once you’re old enough to know better and start to make those necessary changes, returning to that state will feel awful. That’s something to actually mourn. There’s a certain kind of beauty with being reckless with your body and mind. Closing the chapter on that and actively becoming the person you’re going to be feels great but it’s also a tad bittersweet. Sometimes you want to go back to being the person you were before all the bad stuff happened, but you know that’s impossible. So you just bid adieu to that time and look towards your future. (FYI, it looks super bright.)"
(Source)
You’re too young to be completely happy. You’re currently living your lost years and even though it’s taking you down, you’re not ready for the alternative. Something that no one likes to admit is that it sort of feels good to screw up. You don’t think you know exactly what you’re doing? You can pretend to be naive to spare everyone else’s feelings but let’s not get confused: you’re in control here. Every step of the way.
That is, until you’re not. The thing about being a mess is that you eventually do lose control. The self-destructive spiral you’ve been orchestrating gets ripped away from you and put in the hands of something much bigger. Then you’re f***ed. Then you’re going to be saying “JK! Take me back to the land of stability and normalcy! I’m done living my lost years. Now I just would like to be found!”
Your life is precarious. When you were in high school and college, you treated your mortality like it was a crappy purse. You stomped on it, broke a strap, let a vodka bottle spill out and ruin the leather. You did all of this believing it would all be repaired while you were sleeping, and it usually was. You reach a point, however, when the leather stays torn, when the piece of crap bag becomes beaten beyond repair. Simply put, you have to take a more proactive role in maintaining your happiness and well-being. You’re not just someone watching their own life from afar. You’re in it now. And if you don’t take care of it, it will fall to pieces.
This is how someone becomes the person they want to be. They make changes. They stop taking those pills, clutching those drinks, and start deleting those numbers in their phone that might as well be daggers. They take responsibility for themselves. This might sound so minor but something you all must know by now is that we’re often our own worst enemy. We can’t blame something on a lack of self-awareness. We’re all aware, which makes it that much harder when we see ourselves making the same mistakes. We often wonder why we do the things we do. But we already know why. Knowing and doing are two different things though. I know that x, y, and z make me unhappy but I guess, in the end, I just don’t care enough to make changes. You can’t force yourself to care. You need to reach a point where you DO care which can take a long time.
But once you do reach it, there’s no going back. Being a broken mess is a blast at 19 but once you’re old enough to know better and start to make those necessary changes, returning to that state will feel awful. That’s something to actually mourn. There’s a certain kind of beauty with being reckless with your body and mind. Closing the chapter on that and actively becoming the person you’re going to be feels great but it’s also a tad bittersweet. Sometimes you want to go back to being the person you were before all the bad stuff happened, but you know that’s impossible. So you just bid adieu to that time and look towards your future. (FYI, it looks super bright.)"
(Source)
Sunday, March 25, 2012
In the shadows of the night the tears come and my heart aches and as I pretend to not care I no longer know who to blame.
I don't think about it, I don't talk about it, I don't ask about it not because I don't care but with the hope that one day I will I forget how it feels like but though memories fade they still ache like a phantom limb that your body forgets is no longer there. I keep thinking that maybe if I can block it out maybe I can forget everything maybe one day I'll find myself waking up and that year and a half in my life will come up a complete blank and I will not remember a single thing that transpired and have no idea how I got to today.
Do you really understand why I don't want anything to do with you? Not because I cannot forgive you, or because I no longer love you, but because the pain of betrayal becomes a constant and the worries become a constant and the mistrust is constant and I don't even want to think about how to handle all of that.
Does it not make sense to leave it be? If we leave the pieces be no one will get hurt any more than you can hurt yourself but the more you try to pick them up and the more you try to fix them back together the more you will get cut. Do you not understand that there is a less painful option?
Is it so wrong to choose the less painful path after everything I have been through? Is it so wrong to be a coward and not want to remember? Is it so wrong to not want to feel like a bad person so I pretend that I don't remember? Is it so wrong to have my best interests at heart? So why do you make me feel like it is?
(You don't have a goddamn right to make me feel this way, but just like everything you've put me through, it is evident that it doesn't matter whether or not you have a right to. In your mind you have a right to do anything you want.)
I've spent all this time trying to think of how to make it better for you what's the best way to help you understand how to help you to move on and I've put all this effort into trying to save you and trying to think of what's best for you to pick up your pieces but at the end of the day who's to save me? Who's to help me understand? Who's going to have my best interests at heart?
I keep thinking- maybe if I forget, then I can claim my life back.
I am really, really tired.
I don't think about it, I don't talk about it, I don't ask about it not because I don't care but with the hope that one day I will I forget how it feels like but though memories fade they still ache like a phantom limb that your body forgets is no longer there. I keep thinking that maybe if I can block it out maybe I can forget everything maybe one day I'll find myself waking up and that year and a half in my life will come up a complete blank and I will not remember a single thing that transpired and have no idea how I got to today.
Do you really understand why I don't want anything to do with you? Not because I cannot forgive you, or because I no longer love you, but because the pain of betrayal becomes a constant and the worries become a constant and the mistrust is constant and I don't even want to think about how to handle all of that.
Does it not make sense to leave it be? If we leave the pieces be no one will get hurt any more than you can hurt yourself but the more you try to pick them up and the more you try to fix them back together the more you will get cut. Do you not understand that there is a less painful option?
Is it so wrong to choose the less painful path after everything I have been through? Is it so wrong to be a coward and not want to remember? Is it so wrong to not want to feel like a bad person so I pretend that I don't remember? Is it so wrong to have my best interests at heart? So why do you make me feel like it is?
(You don't have a goddamn right to make me feel this way, but just like everything you've put me through, it is evident that it doesn't matter whether or not you have a right to. In your mind you have a right to do anything you want.)
I've spent all this time trying to think of how to make it better for you what's the best way to help you understand how to help you to move on and I've put all this effort into trying to save you and trying to think of what's best for you to pick up your pieces but at the end of the day who's to save me? Who's to help me understand? Who's going to have my best interests at heart?
I keep thinking- maybe if I forget, then I can claim my life back.
I am really, really tired.
Friday, March 23, 2012
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