I did the hardest thing I've ever done in my life this morning and I felt like complete shit.
But tons of love for Jing, SM team of NETS D&D and DH for making everything better.
I love my friends.
In other news, I finally managed to catch JJG online and just opened a conversation window when my fucking fucker of a laptop decided to die on me exactly when I was plugging in my charger... and I signed back in to an offline message saying he saw me online briefly, talk to me soon, goodnight. #*$&*&#&$$ totally no fate, sigh...
Okay that's all in Today in Sylvia's Boring Life. Goodnight, and thank you for tuning in.
Thursday, January 07, 2010
these words are stones in my heart
2258hrs and I'm alone at home, sitting in my room surrounded by Imogen Heap and methodically organising my bookshelf in alphabetical order.
24 hrs a day my mind in overdrive.
2300hrs and I'm home, with Imogen Heap echoing my loneliness and all 137 of my books.
12 hrs until I close a chapter of my life for good.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and it'll all be okay.
24 hrs a day my mind in overdrive.
2300hrs and I'm home, with Imogen Heap echoing my loneliness and all 137 of my books.
12 hrs until I close a chapter of my life for good.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and it'll all be okay.
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
Had a good day at the beach with N and R. Talked about a lot of things, we see a lot of things the same way. I really do get along with them quite well, which is a nice surprise.
One point we all agree on- everything feels so pointless at this point in our lives. We all wind up getting fucked over in every aspect of our lives cos people are such assholes. Work, family, romance- we all face shit cos people are insensitive, selfish, and completely step all over us.
To be honest, in all three aspects I feel like I have nothing worth fighting for.
I like my job. I love my job. I love theatre. I love seeing everything come together and the adrenalin of opening night- nothing replaces that. But right now I work for the sole reason that it keeps me occupied and provides some sort of income. I go on long prop sourcing trips that I don't even need to be a part of just to fill up my time. It's sad cos I used to think of my doing theatre as something I do because I like it. Right now I'm doing shitty projects that have zero artistic value just cos it pays or just cos I have no other project to take on. I feel like I'm selling out, and that's not a good feeling to have. Maybe after tomorrow and my secret project with one Mr. John Savage I'll feel a little less like such a sell-out, but until then, I feel like I've compromised on the things that made me me. ): And not to mention the cutthroat people in this industry. I think I have a lot more to learn, I've been rather sheltered in terms of the people I've been working with but the deeper I wade into this pool, the worse the people I see are and the complete lack of loyalty, morals and respect in people are honestly quite shocking. And well... sad.
Family- I bought my parents lunch and a movie yesterday and we talked and it was nice. Perhaps they're realising that I'm growing up, or perhaps their remarks just get to me less or a combination of both, but it's easier to spend time with them now. I feel less like moving out, not really dying to stay here forever, but at least less like moving out. Baby steps, baby steps. I think it's one aspect of my life I've stopped struggling with. My parents trust me a lot more and I've stopped needing to fight for every little thing I want so it's been... calm to say the least.
Romance, I'm not even going to think about it. I really don't understand people who cheat, at all. Even worse, married men (with KIDS btw) who lie about being married and cheat. These stupid guys lie, they cheat, they treat us like complete crap and I'm just going to stay single for a bit. Or turn lesbian. I haven't quite decided yet. (Only partly kidding.)
Ah well. The complete lack of respect for people's feelings just disgusts me these days.
One point we all agree on- everything feels so pointless at this point in our lives. We all wind up getting fucked over in every aspect of our lives cos people are such assholes. Work, family, romance- we all face shit cos people are insensitive, selfish, and completely step all over us.
To be honest, in all three aspects I feel like I have nothing worth fighting for.
I like my job. I love my job. I love theatre. I love seeing everything come together and the adrenalin of opening night- nothing replaces that. But right now I work for the sole reason that it keeps me occupied and provides some sort of income. I go on long prop sourcing trips that I don't even need to be a part of just to fill up my time. It's sad cos I used to think of my doing theatre as something I do because I like it. Right now I'm doing shitty projects that have zero artistic value just cos it pays or just cos I have no other project to take on. I feel like I'm selling out, and that's not a good feeling to have. Maybe after tomorrow and my secret project with one Mr. John Savage I'll feel a little less like such a sell-out, but until then, I feel like I've compromised on the things that made me me. ): And not to mention the cutthroat people in this industry. I think I have a lot more to learn, I've been rather sheltered in terms of the people I've been working with but the deeper I wade into this pool, the worse the people I see are and the complete lack of loyalty, morals and respect in people are honestly quite shocking. And well... sad.
Family- I bought my parents lunch and a movie yesterday and we talked and it was nice. Perhaps they're realising that I'm growing up, or perhaps their remarks just get to me less or a combination of both, but it's easier to spend time with them now. I feel less like moving out, not really dying to stay here forever, but at least less like moving out. Baby steps, baby steps. I think it's one aspect of my life I've stopped struggling with. My parents trust me a lot more and I've stopped needing to fight for every little thing I want so it's been... calm to say the least.
Romance, I'm not even going to think about it. I really don't understand people who cheat, at all. Even worse, married men (with KIDS btw) who lie about being married and cheat. These stupid guys lie, they cheat, they treat us like complete crap and I'm just going to stay single for a bit. Or turn lesbian. I haven't quite decided yet. (Only partly kidding.)
Ah well. The complete lack of respect for people's feelings just disgusts me these days.
Sunday, January 03, 2010
Despite what you said, I knew the very moment I walked right out of your life she would walk right back into yours. I fucking knew it. It didn't matter what you said, at the end of the day it was always going to be her.
I feel tainted.
Tainted by your touch, your love (if there was ever any) and all your lies.
I feel tainted.
Tainted by your touch, your love (if there was ever any) and all your lies.
Saturday, January 02, 2010
i want it gone. all gone.
http://leloveimage.blogspot.com/2009/09/i-want-it-gone-all-gone.html
Love is hurting me again,
Love is making me cry again.
It's aching in places that didn't ache before.
I say quietly to myself, Please.. Please let me be. Please stop hurting me.
The pain will eventually fade, but the next night, it haunts me again.
Sometimes I wish that there were such magical device like from the movie (Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind). Where you can erase the entire memory of one person you wish to delete. Like deleting his picture from your computer. Permanently. Even if that person made a big impact in your life, even for a short period of time, like, 6 months. I want it gone. All gone.
http://leloveimage.blogspot.com/2009/09/i-want-it-gone-all-gone.html
Love is hurting me again,
Love is making me cry again.
It's aching in places that didn't ache before.
I say quietly to myself, Please.. Please let me be. Please stop hurting me.
The pain will eventually fade, but the next night, it haunts me again.
Sometimes I wish that there were such magical device like from the movie (Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind). Where you can erase the entire memory of one person you wish to delete. Like deleting his picture from your computer. Permanently. Even if that person made a big impact in your life, even for a short period of time, like, 6 months. I want it gone. All gone.
I knew that the moment I walked right out of your life she would walk right back into yours. It didn't matter what you said, at the end of the day it was always going to be her.
I should feel repulsed, I should feel angry, I should be happy that you're out of my life cos now I see the pictures and I see for myself what you've been doing behind my back.
You're disgusting. The both of you. Completely, utterly disgusting. That's all I can say. You have no respect for anything, anyone, no regard for anything or anyone or anyone's emotions. Selfish and completely self-absorbed.
And yet all I feel is hurt. It's so fucking painful.
Is this the price I pay for standing up for myself, for having self-respect and dignity? For refusing to throw my pride away over someone I love?
I wish I could move on like I've told the world I have, but when I'm alone and without the company of people who take my mind off things it feels like absolute shit. I don't want to cry over you anymore because it will never amount to anything anyway but it feels like complete crap when I see you two of you together and I'm the one you let down and I'm completely, utterly alone.
Someone please take all of this away. I want a red pill right now I want to erase everything I want to forget we ever happened I want everything to go back to the way it was 7 months ago I want me to go back to the way I was 7 months ago, completely independent and happy to be that way I want to be happy again I want to not feel this gnawing emptiness I want to feel less lonely I want to stop randomly going out with any boy who asks just because I want to stop shopping when it doesn't make me happy for long anyway I want to stop eating my unhappiness away and I just want all of this to stop.
6 months is a long time for a commitment-phobe like me and in that short span of time I gave you so much of myself that now I cannot even fill myself up with what I have left of me. I don't know why I felt like everything was going to be okay and that I was going to be okay and I was completely unaffected and I don't know why it's only sinking in now. I guess maybe it's cos I never thought you would move on so quickly and then there you are with the girl you cheated on me with and you're happy and I'm not.
It's so painful. And it's not fair.
I should feel repulsed, I should feel angry, I should be happy that you're out of my life cos now I see the pictures and I see for myself what you've been doing behind my back.
You're disgusting. The both of you. Completely, utterly disgusting. That's all I can say. You have no respect for anything, anyone, no regard for anything or anyone or anyone's emotions. Selfish and completely self-absorbed.
And yet all I feel is hurt. It's so fucking painful.
Is this the price I pay for standing up for myself, for having self-respect and dignity? For refusing to throw my pride away over someone I love?
I wish I could move on like I've told the world I have, but when I'm alone and without the company of people who take my mind off things it feels like absolute shit. I don't want to cry over you anymore because it will never amount to anything anyway but it feels like complete crap when I see you two of you together and I'm the one you let down and I'm completely, utterly alone.
Someone please take all of this away. I want a red pill right now I want to erase everything I want to forget we ever happened I want everything to go back to the way it was 7 months ago I want me to go back to the way I was 7 months ago, completely independent and happy to be that way I want to be happy again I want to not feel this gnawing emptiness I want to feel less lonely I want to stop randomly going out with any boy who asks just because I want to stop shopping when it doesn't make me happy for long anyway I want to stop eating my unhappiness away and I just want all of this to stop.
6 months is a long time for a commitment-phobe like me and in that short span of time I gave you so much of myself that now I cannot even fill myself up with what I have left of me. I don't know why I felt like everything was going to be okay and that I was going to be okay and I was completely unaffected and I don't know why it's only sinking in now. I guess maybe it's cos I never thought you would move on so quickly and then there you are with the girl you cheated on me with and you're happy and I'm not.
It's so painful. And it's not fair.
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