Had a good day at the beach with N and R. Talked about a lot of things, we see a lot of things the same way. I really do get along with them quite well, which is a nice surprise.
One point we all agree on- everything feels so pointless at this point in our lives. We all wind up getting fucked over in every aspect of our lives cos people are such assholes. Work, family, romance- we all face shit cos people are insensitive, selfish, and completely step all over us.
To be honest, in all three aspects I feel like I have nothing worth fighting for.
I like my job. I love my job. I love theatre. I love seeing everything come together and the adrenalin of opening night- nothing replaces that. But right now I work for the sole reason that it keeps me occupied and provides some sort of income. I go on long prop sourcing trips that I don't even need to be a part of just to fill up my time. It's sad cos I used to think of my doing theatre as something I do because I like it. Right now I'm doing shitty projects that have zero artistic value just cos it pays or just cos I have no other project to take on. I feel like I'm selling out, and that's not a good feeling to have. Maybe after tomorrow and my secret project with one Mr. John Savage I'll feel a little less like such a sell-out, but until then, I feel like I've compromised on the things that made me me. ): And not to mention the cutthroat people in this industry. I think I have a lot more to learn, I've been rather sheltered in terms of the people I've been working with but the deeper I wade into this pool, the worse the people I see are and the complete lack of loyalty, morals and respect in people are honestly quite shocking. And well... sad.
Family- I bought my parents lunch and a movie yesterday and we talked and it was nice. Perhaps they're realising that I'm growing up, or perhaps their remarks just get to me less or a combination of both, but it's easier to spend time with them now. I feel less like moving out, not really dying to stay here forever, but at least less like moving out. Baby steps, baby steps. I think it's one aspect of my life I've stopped struggling with. My parents trust me a lot more and I've stopped needing to fight for every little thing I want so it's been... calm to say the least.
Romance, I'm not even going to think about it. I really don't understand people who cheat, at all. Even worse, married men (with KIDS btw) who lie about being married and cheat. These stupid guys lie, they cheat, they treat us like complete crap and I'm just going to stay single for a bit. Or turn lesbian. I haven't quite decided yet. (Only partly kidding.)
Ah well. The complete lack of respect for people's feelings just disgusts me these days.
No comments:
Post a Comment