itsladylazarus

I knew that the moment I walked right out of your life she would walk right back into yours. It didn't matter what you said, at the end of the day it was always going to be her.

I should feel repulsed, I should feel angry, I should be happy that you're out of my life cos now I see the pictures and I see for myself what you've been doing behind my back.

You're disgusting. The both of you. Completely, utterly disgusting. That's all I can say. You have no respect for anything, anyone, no regard for anything or anyone or anyone's emotions. Selfish and completely self-absorbed.

And yet all I feel is hurt. It's so fucking painful.

Is this the price I pay for standing up for myself, for having self-respect and dignity? For refusing to throw my pride away over someone I love?

I wish I could move on like I've told the world I have, but when I'm alone and without the company of people who take my mind off things it feels like absolute shit. I don't want to cry over you anymore because it will never amount to anything anyway but it feels like complete crap when I see you two of you together and I'm the one you let down and I'm completely, utterly alone.

Someone please take all of this away. I want a red pill right now I want to erase everything I want to forget we ever happened I want everything to go back to the way it was 7 months ago I want me to go back to the way I was 7 months ago, completely independent and happy to be that way I want to be happy again I want to not feel this gnawing emptiness I want to feel less lonely I want to stop randomly going out with any boy who asks just because I want to stop shopping when it doesn't make me happy for long anyway I want to stop eating my unhappiness away and I just want all of this to stop.

6 months is a long time for a commitment-phobe like me and in that short span of time I gave you so much of myself that now I cannot even fill myself up with what I have left of me. I don't know why I felt like everything was going to be okay and that I was going to be okay and I was completely unaffected and I don't know why it's only sinking in now. I guess maybe it's cos I never thought you would move on so quickly and then there you are with the girl you cheated on me with and you're happy and I'm not.

It's so painful. And it's not fair.