what happened to the nice guys?

"I see this question posted with some regularity in the personals section, so I thought I'd take a minute to explain things to the ladies out there that haven't figured it out.

What happened to all the nice guys?

The answer is simple: you did.

See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He'd tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn't feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were fucking treated you.

At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were "just friends." Besides, he totally wasn't your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn't know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.

Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you werent dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren't the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you're single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, "What happened to all the nice guys?"

Well, once again, you did.

You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive "just-a-" friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren't really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you're upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he'd have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an asshole than he ever wanted to be.

Fact is, now, he's probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I'm sorry that it took the complete absence of "nice guys" in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that.

So, if you're looking for a nice guy, here's what you do:

1.) Build a time machine.
2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ass.
3.) Take a look at what's right in front of you and grab ahold of it.

I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don't really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you.

If you were five years younger.

So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you've fucked yourself over. You're getting older, after all. It's time to excise the bullshit and deal with reality. You didn't want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn't fucking want you, now.

Sincerely,

A Recovering Nice Guy"

infragilis et tenera

I will never let anything or anyone break me again.

Once upon a time,

there was a girl who never knew love until a boy came along and broke her heart.

what i think about at 0218hrs

I am what I am and what I am needs no excuses.

I deal my own deck, sometimes the ace; sometimes the deuces.

It's my world that I want to have a little pride in.

My world and it's not a place I have to hide in.

Life's not worth a damn, till you can shout out, "I AM WHAT I AM".

I don’t understand why people cannot just realize that I am my own person.

I am grateful for my LASALLE friends because I think they are the first group of people I have met that I consciously didn't put up pretenses with from the very beginning. I am grateful for Jing and Azy because they know me inside out and have seen me at my best, and my worst. I am grateful for my cell friends because despite all the shit I do and get myself into, their love is unconditional and they are always supportive. And I am grateful for S, because he listens and takes me for who I am, and loves me not just in spite of it, but because I am who I am.

I will never be the daughter my dad wants me to be (ie book smart, uni-going, professional career woman who will marry a good Christian boy and do everything he wants me to and devote all my time to taking care of the fucking house instead of working). I am so tired of always trying to be good enough and never quite reaching there.

When I was in school I never made the grades. I studied my ass off and I just wasn’t quite there. So I worked hard to find something I’m good in, and now I’m doing what I like, what I’m good at, and I’m doing well in school and making a name for myself in my industry. And I’m still not good enough because I cannot install a stupid printer. I do not want to be perfect, I like the way I am, so why should I have to be perfect just because you want it to be so?

I will never be the daughter who blindly listens to and does everything he says, I will never be the daughter who keeps my room so neat that everything is labeled in boxes (which is totally fucking insane). I might not be neat but I know exactly where everything is. I don’t even bother arguing with him anymore, I just walk away. Better that he thinks me rude than to waste my energy fighting with him . I am exhausted enough already as it is.

I’m not even spending all my time on my social life, I am actually working here. I don’t understand why I should be blamed for that. For the first time in my life I am working so hard on something I really want, and I’ve never worked this hard for anything in my life. I studied my ass off for my Os and As, but when I was tired I just rested. I have never worked myself to such sheer exhaustion- sleeping 4 hours a night, going to school, rushing to work, and then staying up to get my schoolwork done and to study for my assessments. I am busy to the point that replying texts become something so easily forgettable, but they just tell me I’m a rude, unappreciative bitch for not replying.

I will always think for myself and say what I think. I don’t care who you are, if you are making stupid statements and saying stupid things I will tell you right to your face that you are being ridiculous and you are stupid. It’s called independence. You should be proud of me.

I just fucking hate it when every other line that comes out of his mouth is ‘useless’ ‘good for nothing’ and ‘brainless’, ‘bimbo’, ‘stupid’, or ‘idiot’. Just because I am not good at being the person you want me to be does not mean that I am not a good person. I might not be the person you want me to be but I go out of my way to help people and be nice to people and say encouraging things. I do not tell people they are stupid or retarded or good for nothing just because I am frustrated. I am DAMN good at what I do and I will not let you tell me otherwise.

It’s not fair. My sisters do anything they like and they get away with everything and they don’t even put in effort at home. I put in effort and I try despite being so fucking busy I don’t even have time for the people I love and I still get fucked upside down. The shit that I face at home just to be happy out there- it’s not fair.

I love my sisters, but the clearer this distinction between me and them becomes, the more I feel like I don’t even want to be around anyone in my family anymore. I just stay in my room and I don’t want to be bothered by anyone. I want to be alone all the time now because I just keep feeling resentful.

And both he and my mum should stop wondering why I don’t tell them anything about my life, about who my friends are, who I’m seeing. I don’t tell them anything not because they don’t understand, but because they don’t even try. If they try and they don’t understand and they get frustrated, I get it. But they don’t even try. They don’t know who my friends are, they don’t know who my best friends are, they don’t even know their names. And they don’t ask. I used to tell them even though they didn’t ask anyway, but then one day I realized that they can just turn around and talk to someone else while I’m mid-sentence, and they don’t even realize they’re doing it, because they never were listening. And I think that even if they start asking now, I don’t want to tell them anymore. There comes a point of time when you just get tired, and you stop.

My sisters’ friends are an extension of the family. They become family friends. My life out there is completely separate from my life at home. Even my cell friends, who are the easiest to get to know cos we’re all in the same church, don’t talk to my parents because they don’t even know they exist.

Being at home depresses me.

I don’t show it, but it breaks my heart that the people who should know me the best really don’t know me at all.

I woke up to the worst possible morning ever. It was right out of the 'The Worst Day Of My Life' primary school essay, but the grown-up version involving mothers, crazy people, boys and traffic jams.

No one takes me seriously when I say don't fuck with me. Suck ass, bitch.

At work now, which I'm very thankful for cos the crew never fails to make me die laughing.

MUSE LIVE IN SINGAPORE

SINGAPORE INDOOR STADIUM

3RD FEBRUARY 2010

OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD.

So today I was scheduled to finish rehearsal at 6pm, but it dragged to about 6.45pm. Today was also dark day for D&D. S waited for me for close to an hour, picked me up, took me to get dinner and drove us up Mount Faber for a bench picnic (complete with insect repellent) and we sat for an hour just looking at the city skyline and talking about nothing in particular and then spending some good quality time together.

Sitting there, I realised that despite all the shit I've been through because of him, I love him. I still do.

And that's not good. I deserve so much better... but I can't bring myself to want better because he's grown to mean so much to me. Can you mistake familiarity for love?

Sigh, why do I keep doing this to myself.

But it's now 2.07am and I'm going to stop thinking about this because I'm kicking myself for not doing my logbook/reflective journal earlier. And for going on a date today when I have a 1500 word RJ due tomorrow morning at 10am. Oh fuck my life my stupid choices in life.