hello, again.

Hi. I haven't been here in ages. I feel like a rusted tap being cracked open, squeaking, squealing until water pours forth, clean and untouched despite the years of accumulated grime covering every surface. I feel like I've forgotten how to write, and yet fearful of beginning again, not knowing whether or not the tap can be closed at will when I so desire. 

Someone I know took their own life 2 days ago and I've been stuck in a melancholic rut since then, brought back to this space from a desire to revisit memories, trying to recall what it was like to be 25 and feeling like there's no other way out other than ending it all. How ironic that my last post 3 years ago was me asking myself the exact same question. 

What was it like to be 25? I click and scroll and it's right there, words on a page telling me exactly what it was like. And yet for the life of me I cannot seem to feel the same things I felt those years ago. I can't seem to feel as much, or to feel as deeply. Is it age? Is it emotional exhaustion from the vicissitudes of life? Or perhaps time is what's clouding my memory? 

Either way, I sit here facing the reality that I will never unknow what it's like to be 33, soon to be 34, and wrangling with the fact that someone I know, someone with that goofy grin and joyous spirit will be 28 forever. 

Everything I read of myself, all my hopes and desires - they seem so different from the life I have now. They say not to take what you have for granted, to not forget that everything I have now is what I once prayed for. Except, is it really? How do I believe this when all at once, the life I live now is so different from what I once prayed for, yet everything I once wanted? Was it my desires that changed over the years, or merely dissatisfaction with what I have, now that I am living the reality of having it? 

Chronically dissatisfied, and chronically pondering the root of my dissatisfaction. I cannot help but chide my own greed, whilst simultaneously feeling somewhat proud that the vestiges of 25 year old me still remain; always chasing, always wanting more, always seeking to be better, never settling.