constant hunger is a terrible feeling.

"He said that he also doesn't want to be this way, but the way he explained it is that it's like constantly being hungry, and that he simply cannot control it. There's nothing he can do about it. And I try to understand, cos constant hunger is a terrible feeling." 

And I understood immediately that desperation, the hunger, the irrational rage when put in this corner; I understand it all too well. 

I am underwater, and I am sinking. I feel the pressure pushing, pushing, feel myself growing desperate for a breath. But no matter how much I kick, how hard I swim, how fast or slow I push - I cannot surface. I cannot breathe. The wetness is everywhere, all at once, it permeates every pore and invades every part of me. It soaks into me and chills me to my bone. There's nowhere to go and no way to escape it. It's everywhere, and I'm drowning. 

I understand what she means despite not understanding a thing about their problems. Because I hunger the same. 

Someone patted me affectionately on the head on Thursday, and I held on to that feeling for 4 full days. 2020 Sylvia would have taken offense at being patted on the head. "Like a puppy?", she would have thought. She would have felt indignant, degraded. Instead, I felt my heart fill. I found myself wishing that it would happen again. I still wish. 

I want to feel like a woman. I want to be taken care of. I want to be protected, I want to be fought for, I want to be treasured. And maybe I no longer want to take offense at being patted on the head. Maybe I no longer want to always be the decision maker, to always be the one who is reliable, and efficient, and strong. I want to be soft. I want to be gentle. I want to be calm, and prioritise peace. I want to feel like a woman. 

But how do you become that when nowhere is safe? When no one sees how desperately I want this? When no one treats you with gentleness? 

It is humiliating to admit how starved I have become, how desperate I am to feel loved. To be touched gently, affectionately. To feel treasured, to feel valued, to feel wanted, to feel needed. To feel noticed not for what I represent, not what I provide, not for my function, but to simply be noticed. To be seen. 

Lucky there's no one here to witness my humiliation. 

Lucky no one pities me for how badly I want this. 

Lucky there's no one. But how desperately I wish there was someone. 

Solitude can serve as a refuge, but loneliness resembles a confinement. I tell everyone I treasure my solitude. Truth is, I'm simply lonely.