on privilege

I think I'm really quite grateful for my circumstances.

Even though I complain a lot, everything I bitch about is really very much #firstworldproblems. I'm lucky enough to be born in Sg where I live in a comfy HDB, where I don't have to worry about not having shelter in a freak blizzard or snow storm, where I don't have to worry about my water supply freezing over, my power being cut.

I read an article that day explaining privilege- that privilege doesn't mean having a crapload of money, or living the #rkoi life. It simply means the circumstances you were blessed enough to be born into gave you a head start into life without you having to do anything to deserve or not deserve it.

It's a vast difference from how most people would define the term privilege but I have to admit this definition makes a lot more sense.

I'm not discounting the merit of hard work- it's undeniable that hard work is in itself a working pathway to success but let's be honest here, you can work hard all you want but without the foundation of sheer luck and circumstance, there's also only so far you can go.

I shall attempt to be more grateful and complain less. Keyword is attempt hahaha but eh better than nothing la hor. If anything, at least I'm self-aware. Haha!

lesson of the day

"Do not invest in another, more than they are willing to invest in themselves."

Today I very nearly almost did, but I remembered a vow I made to myself a few years ago, never to build anyone up at my own expense ever again.

I should not be fighting harder than you are for your interests.

I should not sacrifice myself to build you up.

And I will not.

I'm not sure how I feel right now.

I cannot help but feel the stirrings of resentment that I've mentioned before that I think eventually this will tear us apart and I still feel like there is so little effort made.

But I also don't lash out anymore.

Maybe over time I truly care less and less.

Again, not sure how I feel about this.

Received some news today that made me feel quite.... Unsettled.

I was going to go for 'bitter' but it's not quite that bad. However, it's also not as mild as a mere 'unsettled' either.

I don't know.

Just have to wait and see.

But today, I am grateful for friends who honour friendship over anything else.

"Job can find another one. Best friend cannot."

musings

I used to be much more active on social media, and also much more vocal about unhappiness in my relationship.

I definitely used to be one of those passive aggressive asshole tweeters who would tweet indirect stabs at my significant other (who would be following me on said social media platform lol) but over the years I guess I grew up and realised I wasn't doing anybody any favours with my childish dramatics.

Not only is it unhealthy and breeds a lot of resentment within the relationship, but it also resulted in a lot of dissent between my significant other and my friends/family. After all, when you constantly portray your significant other as an asshole, you can't really blame your friends/family for hating him right?

So I stopped. I started to understand the value of making my partner look the best version of himself, instead of the complete opposite.

I learnt to address issues directly and calmly and rationally put my feelings and thoughts into words to express myself properly and in a healthy manner.

But more importantly, it also taught me to directly seek the counsel of friends in difficult situations.

And the upside is that instead of talking to myself on social media where people only hear my side of the story and don't get to ask questions, and nobody can call me out if I'm being unfair or being obstinate and childish, when I'm forced to talk to an actual person (and my friends are mostly super impartial and non-side-taking), they call me out on my unacceptable behaviour and try to help me see things from an alternative perspective and to see where I might be going wrong myself.

It keeps me accountable, keeps me in check and forces me not to abuse my feminine wiles (lol) to get my way.

After being brutally called out on my shit many times later (and many fights with my friends lol), I can quite confidently say now that I don't delude myself and obstinately insist I'm right all the time anymore cos it'll just be a waste of time cos I'll eventually get called out for it anyway.

As much as I hate to admit it, I've probably become a better person for it.

So I guess today's moment of gratitude is that I have a best friend who is the ultimate call-me-out-on-my-shit Queen, doesn't indulge my misbehavior, doesn't let me get away with any bratty behavior and is essentially my Feelings Police to make sure I don't become so self-indulgent that I become an all out princess terrorist.

Its really not often you find someone who cares enough about you that she would deliberately do something she knows you would fight over and risk your friendship if it means doing the right thing for your growth as a human being.

(I do the same thing for her by the way, we're brutally honest with each other and my God have we fought about all of it but at the end of the day I know it's really just cos we mean that much to each other.)

And I'm thankful for it.

hello 2016