hello 2015

2013 was really difficult; my expectations for 2014 were so low. But I am so amazed and incredibly grateful for what a year it's turned out to have been. This year, I've rediscovered friendships, strengthened existing ones, lost some, forged new bonds, seen a lot of ugly but also seen enough beauty to not be embittered, and above it all- I've been wonderfully happy (for the most part).

For being surrounded by people who never stopped believing in me or thought less of me despite the (sometimes frankly terrible) choices that I tend to make. For the friends who stand by me unwaveringly but are not afraid to call me out on my (oftentimes blatant) bullshit, for investing precious time to fix me when they were in no way responsible for breaking me in the first place. For the people who kept my feet firmly on the ground while allowing me to learn to love myself again, and made me want to be a better person by quietly and patiently loving me regardless of how much of an undeserving monster I was.

If you're reading this- thank you for being part of my life and part of a beautiful year, even if it's in the tiniest of ways. I hope in one way or another, I helped make you as happy as you made me this year.

Cranial nebula

Repetition changes nothing.

It hurts more, yet less each time.

Determination is a strong suit of mine but at the end of the day, I still get hit by the same landslide of insignificance into this brick wall of inadequacy. Over and over. Someone show me the point in trying so hard?

The only constant is what work erases. Time passes so quick when life gets hectic. Busy is good. Exhaustion is better.

What am I fighting for? You would think immense desire would be reason enough to fight for what you want, but-

Always a but.

So drained tonight.

2 steps forward, 5 steps back.

lang leav

want vs need

“There’s that word again. Need. I need you. I need you to need me. How nauseating, to need another human being, as if their heart is in your throat. Love isn’t about need. Don’t romanticize the notion of desperation. Let me let you in on a secret: you don’t need me and I don’t need you. We can get through life just fine without each other. Love is not wanting to. We want each other, we want skin and hands and all our daily scars. We want intoxication and art museums and intertwined limbs. We want ferocity in our lips and tracing slow, small circles on our stomachs. I don’t need you in my life, but goddamn I want you in it.”

“That is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don’t expect to get anything back, don’t expect recognition for your efforts, don’t expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are.”

- Paulo Coelho, The Zahir

Love is a choice

The truth is that the more intimately you know someone, the more clearly you’ll see their flaws. That’s just the way it is. This is why marriages fail, why children are abandoned, why friendships don’t last. You might think you love someone until you see the way they act when they’re out of money or under pressure, or hungry. Love is something different. Love is choosing to serve someone and be with someone in spite of their filthy, filthy heart. Love is patient and kind, love is deliberate. Love is hard. Love is pain and sacrifice, it’s seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship.

Love is… feeling safe, despite having absolutely no reason to.

a girl can dream

struggling

It is terribly unsettling to find yourself sobbing your eyes out at 4am with hardly a trigger or much of a legitimate reason to be experiencing this lost-ness when I have not felt the tendrils of powerless and lack of control choking my soul in a very long while

I’m not sure why this week has been so difficult when it is of no particular significance and why I’m feeling like this all of a sudden out of nowhere but jesus, has it been hard.

Someone give me strength.

inexplicable

Every now and then I hear something that reminds me of us, and in that fraction of time I forget how exceedingly destructive we were for each other and the little scraps of me that still inexplicably belong to you misses you, so very much.

fearless, but not careless

‘I’m not afraid of losing you,’ I say. 'Sad, yes. But I don’t fear it.’

You question my indifference.

'I must not mean very much to you, then’, you say.

In the frozen fragments of time between consciousness and slumber and back again, I find myself staring unblinking at the whitewashed ceiling as I have for the last 6 hours, and the same question ticks and tocks back and forth in my head. Steady and unwavering, never stopping, keeping time with the hourglass growing heavy in my heart, gently burying us beneath the sandy call of responsibility, promise, duty and family.

And as suddenly as the dawn spills into darkness, I understand- fear is anchored by uncertainty. Fear stems from instability, it sprouts from doubt.

You and I? We don’t stand a chance in this universe. This conclusion is certain. Definite. Doubtless.

And this is why the opposite of fear isn’t courage, or bravery, or fearlessness, even.

The opposite of fear is love. Unconditional, certain, absolute love. Unmovable. Unshakeable.

'I’m not afraid of losing you,’ I say.

Perhaps in a parallel universe, the sands of time would fall differently for you and I.

“every time you
tell your daughter
you yell at her
out of love

you teach her to confuse

anger with kindness

which seems like a good idea
till she grows up to trust men who hurt her

cause they look so much
like you.”

— to fathers with daughters, rupi kaur

4am musings

Define wariness.

How do you stop your heart from thawing when you keep seeing gestures of absolute selflessness, gentleness, patience and kindness from an individual you’ve both established you can never spend your life with, and this, despite already acknowledging that there is nothing either one of you is able to do to change the situation? How do you stop the affection, the deep, warm ache from the very core of your being, determined, to find their way into your frozen heart?

How do you force yourself to swallow the bittersweet words that threaten to spill from the tip of your tongue, how do you stave away the resentment of finally finding someone who fits every fractured edge and broken fragment of your tired soul, of finding someone capable of piecing together your shattered self-esteem, and knowing you cannot have them?

I can’t decide if being human and allowing your heart to be open and allowing yourself to feel (and consequentially, to hurt) is a better form of self-preservation, or if simply closing up your heart and mind and life would be a more effortless, straightforward approach to shutting out any further damage.

I suppose it depends on what you choose to preserve. Your empty heart, or your bursting soul.

hello from macau

Day 4 of my 2nd trip of 2014, said goodbye to Hong Kong today and now saying hello from Macau from the boys' apartment.

Surrounded by xbox games and Tamiya cars and the hugest Tamiya track I've ever seen in a tiny apartment, but despite all of that I don't think I've felt this comfortable or this much in my own skin in a really long time.

These days I have no need to pretend, no need to be someone I'm not, I can be exactly who I am and nobody judges me for it. I don't have to be anything I don't feel like I truly am. The future is, as always, uncertain and I don't know where I'll be this time next year but right now, I'm so happy.

Was talking to D yesterday and I shared with her the biggest realisation I made in the last few months, which is that happiness cannot be built around other people. When your happiness depends on nobody but yourself (and for me, on God), the world can crumble and you can lose it all, but you will still find joy in everything. I was never really sure that I believed all of this, until it naturally came from my mouth last night and suddenly everything that people had been saying made sense.

It's truly quite an awesome feeling, and I hope I keep feeling like this.

Grateful and happy, today. :)

hope

secrets

One of the things that compels me to write is that my mind is huge with all these little stories, with no one to tell.

Y

he's helped me be more patient.
he tempers my anger, he's the water to my fire.
he makes me more thoughtful, less reckless.
he makes me want to be more gentle.
i feel stronger, more capable, prettier, smarter.
he appreciates my efforts and sees all the small things i do.
he makes me less materialistic.
he makes me laugh all the time.

he makes me want to be a better person.

but he's not you.

and maybe that's what it's about, maybe it's about finding someone who makes you better, not about finding someone that you desperately want. maybe it's about finding someone who gives you the steadiness, constantness and security you need, and who you can give it back to in return. maybe love that lasts isn't love that is borne from burning passion, from a gnawing need for the person, but one borne from trust, understanding, comfort, and above everything, immense patience.

alone, but never lonely.

do whatever just to stay alive

There's a rhythm in rush these days

Where the lights don't move and the colors don't fade

Leaves you empty with nothing but dreams

In a world gone shallow

In a world gone lean

Sometimes there's things a man cannot know

Gears won't turn and the leaves won't grow

There's no place to run and no gasoline

Engine won't turn

And the train won't leave

Engines won't turn and the train won't leave

I will stay with you tonight

Hold you close 'til the morning light

In the morning watch a new day rise

We'll do whatever just to stay alive

We'll do whatever just to stay alive

Well the way I feel is the way I write

It isn't like the thoughts of the man who lies

There is a truth and it's on our side

Dawn is coming

Open your eyes

Look into the sun as the new days rise

And I will wait for you tonight

You're here forever and you're by my side

I've been waiting all my life

To feel your heart as it's keeping time

We'll do whatever just to stay alive

But there is a truth and it's on our side

Dawn is coming open your eyes

Look into the sun as a new days rise

Savouring the quiet solo moments.

hello 2014.

14 days late, but.

My motto for 2013 was 'work hard, dream big, stay humble, don't be an asshole'. Last year was terribly trying on my limits and patience but I did my best to stick to it. I've been putting off setting one for 2014 cos 2013 ended with so much uncertainty that I didn't dare to think about what I wanted to achieve this year.

I watched The Secret Life of Walter Mitty yesterday and it resonated a lot more than I expected it to; i realised i spent a large part of 2013 being unhappy cos I was afraid of change and scared to leave what was familiar to me. And the few risks I took turned out to be the highlights of my year.

So here's to 2014: 'To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, draw closer, to find each other, and to feel.'

freedom

"We’re all on different rides, but they all end the same way. You do not need somebody else’s love to be whole. You do not need their permission to go on with your life. What you do need is your own love. You need to let yourself go on. Their love isn’t stopping you, because that love doesn’t exist. It is only you who is holding onto what you believe should be. And what you will realize, sooner or later, is that most of your life is defined and chosen by what you compel yourself to believe should or shouldn’t be. Release yourself from the cage you built. You hold the key to your own freedom."

maybe we're just really not meant to be

You and me v2.0, still met with failure.

I have no more words, no more tears, no more strength.

I love you, goodbye.