J

Today I had my first alone day in about 2 months, and I shopped so hard my account balance is bitching like a chola on crack. (Digressing, I finally found the perfect leather jacket that is FINALLY not sold out in my size!) But I choose to think I deserve this because not only have I spent the last 2 months doing nothing but working, but also because for the first time in 7 months, I am out of debt and I can actually afford to shop.

B called me today- out of the blue as usual, no warning, just a shitload of baggage. I watched One Day this morning and it seemed so appropriate that he called me later that afternoon. I cannot help but feel like we have a Dax-Emma relationship. When we were together we fought with a passion I have never found in anyone else, and yet when we strip it down to the bare bones we get each other in a way no one else ever has for either of us. The past 4 years have been nothing but drama every time he resurfaces, and yet everytime he comes back I find myself offering my friendship and support until it destroys the both of us and we stop talking for a year and wash rinse repeat. And at the end of the day I guess my biggest fear is that when I am truly, truly over J and have moved on, he will reappear the same way B always does and I won't have the strength to say no to him. Then again, J is not B. And I only have the emotional capacity for one Dax in my life.

I know exactly what to do, I know exactly what I have to do and I just don't have the strength to do it and I won't have the strength to until I find someone who will make me want to love so wholly and completely that I can let go of the past. And until I find someone I am willing to give that much of me to, I will never be able to fully let go. The problem is that this person has to first be okay with all of...this. When will someone finally get it? I know it is selfish for me to ask of this much but sometimes I feel like I've given so much of myself to everyone and I've never had a chance to take. When will I find someone who can see past all of this and sees me, someone who can finally figure out that all I need is someone with the patience to sit with me through this and love me through this and help me realise that not all of it ends this same way?