Thursday, December 29, 2011
"but we have no morals, what"
'Cheerful moping'- that's what Debbie and I did last night over dinner and morally incorrect conversations about the biggest problems in our lives, asking each other 'how?' over and over and yet still managing to spend two-thirds of the time busting our asses laughing.
Because really- despite all that shit, there's still a lot to be grateful for.
It's been a really, really long year.
Because really- despite all that shit, there's still a lot to be grateful for.
It's been a really, really long year.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
India 2011
& GPOY to end things off:
So... India was fun but I really wouldn't do it again. Hurhur.
I also now know that as much as I love naan and aloo gobi, more than 2 meals of it a day makes me never want to eat it again.
(oh & can I just say that food poisoning in 10 deg celcius is not fun. AT ALL.)
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
I unintentionally offend people with the things I say sometimes. So I become a bit paranoid about what I say and how people react to the things I say. I've learnt to keep quiet about a lot of things and keep the unhappiness inside because it offended people to hear it. I thought not letting people hear what they didn't want to hear was protecting them. I've taken so many steps back that at the end of the day I sit here, and realise that it has completely backfired because now I'm nothing but a common pushover.
I don't know what happened to me, because once upon a time I was the girl who didn't give a shit about what anyone thought of me. Actually, I do know what happened to me. I realised that being the girl who didn't give a damn was hurting people around me and pushing them to their limits to keep me safe. So I overcompensate and now I'm the girl who shuts up for no reason other than that people don't want to listen.
So easily pushed over, and so quckly silent just because I am told to do so.
I don't know what happened to me, because once upon a time I was the girl who didn't give a shit about what anyone thought of me. Actually, I do know what happened to me. I realised that being the girl who didn't give a damn was hurting people around me and pushing them to their limits to keep me safe. So I overcompensate and now I'm the girl who shuts up for no reason other than that people don't want to listen.
So easily pushed over, and so quckly silent just because I am told to do so.
Monday, December 12, 2011
J
Today I had my first alone day in about 2 months, and I shopped so hard my account balance is bitching like a chola on crack. (Digressing, I finally found the perfect leather jacket that is FINALLY not sold out in my size!) But I choose to think I deserve this because not only have I spent the last 2 months doing nothing but working, but also because for the first time in 7 months, I am out of debt and I can actually afford to shop.
B called me today- out of the blue as usual, no warning, just a shitload of baggage. I watched One Day this morning and it seemed so appropriate that he called me later that afternoon. I cannot help but feel like we have a Dax-Emma relationship. When we were together we fought with a passion I have never found in anyone else, and yet when we strip it down to the bare bones we get each other in a way no one else ever has for either of us. The past 4 years have been nothing but drama every time he resurfaces, and yet everytime he comes back I find myself offering my friendship and support until it destroys the both of us and we stop talking for a year and wash rinse repeat. And at the end of the day I guess my biggest fear is that when I am truly, truly over J and have moved on, he will reappear the same way B always does and I won't have the strength to say no to him. Then again, J is not B. And I only have the emotional capacity for one Dax in my life.
I know exactly what to do, I know exactly what I have to do and I just don't have the strength to do it and I won't have the strength to until I find someone who will make me want to love so wholly and completely that I can let go of the past. And until I find someone I am willing to give that much of me to, I will never be able to fully let go. The problem is that this person has to first be okay with all of...this. When will someone finally get it? I know it is selfish for me to ask of this much but sometimes I feel like I've given so much of myself to everyone and I've never had a chance to take. When will I find someone who can see past all of this and sees me, someone who can finally figure out that all I need is someone with the patience to sit with me through this and love me through this and help me realise that not all of it ends this same way?
B called me today- out of the blue as usual, no warning, just a shitload of baggage. I watched One Day this morning and it seemed so appropriate that he called me later that afternoon. I cannot help but feel like we have a Dax-Emma relationship. When we were together we fought with a passion I have never found in anyone else, and yet when we strip it down to the bare bones we get each other in a way no one else ever has for either of us. The past 4 years have been nothing but drama every time he resurfaces, and yet everytime he comes back I find myself offering my friendship and support until it destroys the both of us and we stop talking for a year and wash rinse repeat. And at the end of the day I guess my biggest fear is that when I am truly, truly over J and have moved on, he will reappear the same way B always does and I won't have the strength to say no to him. Then again, J is not B. And I only have the emotional capacity for one Dax in my life.
I know exactly what to do, I know exactly what I have to do and I just don't have the strength to do it and I won't have the strength to until I find someone who will make me want to love so wholly and completely that I can let go of the past. And until I find someone I am willing to give that much of me to, I will never be able to fully let go. The problem is that this person has to first be okay with all of...this. When will someone finally get it? I know it is selfish for me to ask of this much but sometimes I feel like I've given so much of myself to everyone and I've never had a chance to take. When will I find someone who can see past all of this and sees me, someone who can finally figure out that all I need is someone with the patience to sit with me through this and love me through this and help me realise that not all of it ends this same way?
Sunday, December 11, 2011
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