itsladylazarus

I hate how the pain and depression hits at the most unexpected of times.

Today was a good day. Photoshoot for my first show is done, venue is booked, XXXXX XXXXX Entertainment is established as of 1st September 2011. Yep, I am officially a partner in my own company. Freaky.

Then I came home, and out of nowhere I had this sudden urge to go to his abandoned Facebook profile, log in, delete all his profile pictures of me, change his relationship status back to single, and then burst into tears. Again. I felt better after doing it, but I also felt... worse.

I was at TOPH and a certain bar and bistro in the area today, and that was it. I avoid places we've been to, I avoid things we've done, I avoid places with the best memores and the most happiness. But I was forced to be there today and it was too much. The memories, how everything screamed his name. Cue panic attack and inability to breathe.

And that was when I realised- I really, really want to escape this. No fuck want, I need to move on. People say better to have loved and lost? Fuck that. I wish I had never met you. I really, from the bottom of my heart, sincerely do. I would trade all he happiness I felt with you to not feel this miserable and misunderstood.

I didn't know jackshit. Forget my own pain- but having people judge me based on what you did? That's where the real pain comes from. I can not tell anyone what happened to protect you and let people think I'm also the one at fault, that I'm the bad one, that I was a part of everything. No problem. I can hide all the pain and emotional fuckery, no problem. No one even realises that I'm hurting anymore. But it still hurts, and it hurts like a motherfucking bitch. But when it comes to a point where I feel physically ill from the memories, it has got to stop. I need to stop being frozen when something reminds me of him, I need to look past all the memories, all the betrayal, all the hurt and resentment. I keep saying it, and I know what I need to do, and I really really am trying. But I'm moving forward so slowly and making so little progress and when I decide to do something drastic to try and move on (like what I just did) the pain is so fresh and searing.

Why did you do this to me, why did you do this to someone you claim to love? You lied and you lied and you lied some more and at the end of the day the one who is drowning in it is me. Do you know how fucking traumatised I am? How painful this is? Do you understand why I keep drowning myself in more and more and more work?

Nope. You thought of no one but yourself. So it's time I started thinking about no one but myself.

Fuck this fuck you fuck everything we shared.