I am young.
My ears hear promise.
My mind is power.
My eyes see dreams.
My thoughts are high.
And my body is strong.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Friday, September 09, 2011
I'm beginning to agree with A that self-help books really do help. I used to dismiss them as crap- I mean all they do is repeat things that we all already know but just refuse to acknowledge, right? Except that it's not. It really helps to put everything into perspective and helps you reach realisations you never knew existed in your life. Plus they're usually funny. A little extra humor in life never hurt anyone!
I like crushes. No complicated bullshit. No pretenses. No desire to take anything further. No raging need to pounce on him and make sure he is madly in love with me and wants to marry me in x number of years. No stress. Nothing. Just hanging out, talking, texting, enjoying his ability to make me laugh and... that's it. Maybe it's not even really a crush, just me rediscovering the simple joys in getting to know someone. Who knows.
I've been wanting a change in my life and lately I feel like I'm finally making a bit of progress. Like I can finally feel other emotions again without everything just being overwhelmed by bitterness and anger.
I think I've reached the realisation that there's a difference between being driven and being content with life. Just because I am driven to improve my life doesn't mean that I shouldn't be content with what I already have. I used to be so dissatisfied with what I had- even when I had it all. I was just never happy because I knew I could do better and I couldn't see the distinction in being satisfied and yet wanting to work harder. I'm slowly realising that these 2 things can be seperated.
I like crushes. No complicated bullshit. No pretenses. No desire to take anything further. No raging need to pounce on him and make sure he is madly in love with me and wants to marry me in x number of years. No stress. Nothing. Just hanging out, talking, texting, enjoying his ability to make me laugh and... that's it. Maybe it's not even really a crush, just me rediscovering the simple joys in getting to know someone. Who knows.
I've been wanting a change in my life and lately I feel like I'm finally making a bit of progress. Like I can finally feel other emotions again without everything just being overwhelmed by bitterness and anger.
I think I've reached the realisation that there's a difference between being driven and being content with life. Just because I am driven to improve my life doesn't mean that I shouldn't be content with what I already have. I used to be so dissatisfied with what I had- even when I had it all. I was just never happy because I knew I could do better and I couldn't see the distinction in being satisfied and yet wanting to work harder. I'm slowly realising that these 2 things can be seperated.
Friday, September 02, 2011
I hate how the pain and depression hits at the most unexpected of times.
Today was a good day. Photoshoot for my first show is done, venue is booked, XXXXX XXXXX Entertainment is established as of 1st September 2011. Yep, I am officially a partner in my own company. Freaky.
Then I came home, and out of nowhere I had this sudden urge to go to his abandoned Facebook profile, log in, delete all his profile pictures of me, change his relationship status back to single, and then burst into tears. Again. I felt better after doing it, but I also felt... worse.
I was at TOPH and a certain bar and bistro in the area today, and that was it. I avoid places we've been to, I avoid things we've done, I avoid places with the best memores and the most happiness. But I was forced to be there today and it was too much. The memories, how everything screamed his name. Cue panic attack and inability to breathe.
And that was when I realised- I really, really want to escape this. No fuck want, I need to move on. People say better to have loved and lost? Fuck that. I wish I had never met you. I really, from the bottom of my heart, sincerely do. I would trade all he happiness I felt with you to not feel this miserable and misunderstood.
I didn't know jackshit. Forget my own pain- but having people judge me based on what you did? That's where the real pain comes from. I can not tell anyone what happened to protect you and let people think I'm also the one at fault, that I'm the bad one, that I was a part of everything. No problem. I can hide all the pain and emotional fuckery, no problem. No one even realises that I'm hurting anymore. But it still hurts, and it hurts like a motherfucking bitch. But when it comes to a point where I feel physically ill from the memories, it has got to stop. I need to stop being frozen when something reminds me of him, I need to look past all the memories, all the betrayal, all the hurt and resentment. I keep saying it, and I know what I need to do, and I really really am trying. But I'm moving forward so slowly and making so little progress and when I decide to do something drastic to try and move on (like what I just did) the pain is so fresh and searing.
Why did you do this to me, why did you do this to someone you claim to love? You lied and you lied and you lied some more and at the end of the day the one who is drowning in it is me. Do you know how fucking traumatised I am? How painful this is? Do you understand why I keep drowning myself in more and more and more work?
Nope. You thought of no one but yourself. So it's time I started thinking about no one but myself.
Fuck this fuck you fuck everything we shared.
Today was a good day. Photoshoot for my first show is done, venue is booked, XXXXX XXXXX Entertainment is established as of 1st September 2011. Yep, I am officially a partner in my own company. Freaky.
Then I came home, and out of nowhere I had this sudden urge to go to his abandoned Facebook profile, log in, delete all his profile pictures of me, change his relationship status back to single, and then burst into tears. Again. I felt better after doing it, but I also felt... worse.
I was at TOPH and a certain bar and bistro in the area today, and that was it. I avoid places we've been to, I avoid things we've done, I avoid places with the best memores and the most happiness. But I was forced to be there today and it was too much. The memories, how everything screamed his name. Cue panic attack and inability to breathe.
And that was when I realised- I really, really want to escape this. No fuck want, I need to move on. People say better to have loved and lost? Fuck that. I wish I had never met you. I really, from the bottom of my heart, sincerely do. I would trade all he happiness I felt with you to not feel this miserable and misunderstood.
I didn't know jackshit. Forget my own pain- but having people judge me based on what you did? That's where the real pain comes from. I can not tell anyone what happened to protect you and let people think I'm also the one at fault, that I'm the bad one, that I was a part of everything. No problem. I can hide all the pain and emotional fuckery, no problem. No one even realises that I'm hurting anymore. But it still hurts, and it hurts like a motherfucking bitch. But when it comes to a point where I feel physically ill from the memories, it has got to stop. I need to stop being frozen when something reminds me of him, I need to look past all the memories, all the betrayal, all the hurt and resentment. I keep saying it, and I know what I need to do, and I really really am trying. But I'm moving forward so slowly and making so little progress and when I decide to do something drastic to try and move on (like what I just did) the pain is so fresh and searing.
Why did you do this to me, why did you do this to someone you claim to love? You lied and you lied and you lied some more and at the end of the day the one who is drowning in it is me. Do you know how fucking traumatised I am? How painful this is? Do you understand why I keep drowning myself in more and more and more work?
Nope. You thought of no one but yourself. So it's time I started thinking about no one but myself.
Fuck this fuck you fuck everything we shared.
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