You want some honesty? Here's some.

Every day is a struggle to get through. Every single bloody day. I am exhausted and I don't even know why I want to exhaust myself when I'm supposed to be having my holidays but I feel so bloody empty if I don't fill every waking moment of my time. Even when I was in love and happy I still had this gnawing urge to fill up every second, every moment of my day and I am impossible to please because no matter what I do there's always this ache in me, the ache of something missing. It's not career, it's not God, it's not love, and I have no clue what it is but it's a struggle to get through every day completely dissatisfied with life and not knowing why. It's painful, and it's a struggle.

I am terrible with emotions. My emotions are completely inappropriate for social situations. I want to laugh in solemn situations, when I'm having a genuinely heart-warming friend bonding moment I find myself suddenly overcome with an overwhelming need to fall in love with a friend I normally would never ever consider dating, I start getting drowsy when there's a ton of work to do, I cry in horror movies and scream in chick flicks. And I am completely incapable of dating anyone without falling in love with him, without feeling like I am falling in love and ending up realising what I thought was love really isn't and feeling like a complete asshole. I am so bad at flings I don't know why I even pretend to have them, and wind up falling for every other asshole who walks into my life.

I am not as strong as I would like myself to think. As unlikely as it seems beneath this armoured vehicle exterior lies a completely emotionally unstable, mentally somewhat unsound and totally paranoid and slightly schizophrenic soul. I anchor crisis management and fix problems, and then fall apart only in the privacy of my own room under the covers where I am longing, dying for someone to come and give me a hug or stroke my hair but being too proud and too 'strong' to admit it.

And above everything, I am lonely. I am loud, and constantly in good company, and extroverted and well-loved. But at the end of the day all I return to, all I fall asleep to is this aching, aching loneliness that tells me I'm going to end up all alone.