itsladylazarus

Somedays I feel like absolute shit- like I suck at my job, that I'm inefficient and awkward and retarded and generally a mess to be around and some days I'm so on top of my game I feel so awesome like nothing can ever bring me down and I'd be undefeatable forever and ever and ever and then there are the days where I just want to hide in a hole and let everything engulf me and wash over me and pray that I drown so I don't have to watch the fallout and then there are those where I feel all warm and fuzzy and full of love and laughter and joy for everyone around me and those where I just want to be left alone with nothing but my thoughts and-

then there are days where you feel like you're all of the above and you don't really know what you are. It gets really, really confusing.

I've only just realised recently that my perception of myself as a rather social person is completely flawed. I'm eloquent around people I'm familiar with and I can talk extensively on many topics if I know that certain people are used to the way I speak, but when it come to dealing with people in social situations and meeting people for the first time and getting to know people, I start stuttering and making stupid remarks and mumbling and I'm just generally so bad at making conversation and pitching ideas and thoughts to people that it's not even funny. It's things like these that convince me that I'm really not cut out for producing at all, and that maybe I should just stick to SM roles where I can be a hermit to the world but still maintain social interactions with a substantial number of people in the theatre.

After so long I still can't figure out what I really want.