definitions

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Atomic Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accident all falls into a river.
Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway “See I am not injured yet.”
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest….except that he got caught.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills. ..

Why is it so difficult to find something in life to be happy about, when nothing in your life is a complete disaster beyond redemption?

Why do we always want more and we can never settle for less?

Why is it that the things we want the most, we can never have?

Why is it that we can have everyone else but not the one we truly want?

Somedays I feel like absolute shit- like I suck at my job, that I'm inefficient and awkward and retarded and generally a mess to be around and some days I'm so on top of my game I feel so awesome like nothing can ever bring me down and I'd be undefeatable forever and ever and ever and then there are the days where I just want to hide in a hole and let everything engulf me and wash over me and pray that I drown so I don't have to watch the fallout and then there are those where I feel all warm and fuzzy and full of love and laughter and joy for everyone around me and those where I just want to be left alone with nothing but my thoughts and-

then there are days where you feel like you're all of the above and you don't really know what you are. It gets really, really confusing.

I've only just realised recently that my perception of myself as a rather social person is completely flawed. I'm eloquent around people I'm familiar with and I can talk extensively on many topics if I know that certain people are used to the way I speak, but when it come to dealing with people in social situations and meeting people for the first time and getting to know people, I start stuttering and making stupid remarks and mumbling and I'm just generally so bad at making conversation and pitching ideas and thoughts to people that it's not even funny. It's things like these that convince me that I'm really not cut out for producing at all, and that maybe I should just stick to SM roles where I can be a hermit to the world but still maintain social interactions with a substantial number of people in the theatre.

After so long I still can't figure out what I really want.

a case of you
joni mitchell

just before our love got lost you said
“i am as constant as a northern star”
and i said “constantly in the darkness"

dear Jon M.

You'll find someone... just not me.

"love never dies a natural death. it dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. it dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. it dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings."

- anais nin

Secret thoughts

"What if I told you I felt the exact same way you do about her? That I love him more than anything. That despite knowing him for only such a while, I love him. Would that remind you of yourself? Would you understand the endless longing I have for him, the same way you long for her? Would you think that was the most hopelessly romantic thing that could possibly happen to a boy like you, to a girl like me? Would you ache to possess the love being showered upon him, and crave such affection in return?"

And then what if I told you that that him was you?

You want some honesty? Here's some.

Every day is a struggle to get through. Every single bloody day. I am exhausted and I don't even know why I want to exhaust myself when I'm supposed to be having my holidays but I feel so bloody empty if I don't fill every waking moment of my time. Even when I was in love and happy I still had this gnawing urge to fill up every second, every moment of my day and I am impossible to please because no matter what I do there's always this ache in me, the ache of something missing. It's not career, it's not God, it's not love, and I have no clue what it is but it's a struggle to get through every day completely dissatisfied with life and not knowing why. It's painful, and it's a struggle.

I am terrible with emotions. My emotions are completely inappropriate for social situations. I want to laugh in solemn situations, when I'm having a genuinely heart-warming friend bonding moment I find myself suddenly overcome with an overwhelming need to fall in love with a friend I normally would never ever consider dating, I start getting drowsy when there's a ton of work to do, I cry in horror movies and scream in chick flicks. And I am completely incapable of dating anyone without falling in love with him, without feeling like I am falling in love and ending up realising what I thought was love really isn't and feeling like a complete asshole. I am so bad at flings I don't know why I even pretend to have them, and wind up falling for every other asshole who walks into my life.

I am not as strong as I would like myself to think. As unlikely as it seems beneath this armoured vehicle exterior lies a completely emotionally unstable, mentally somewhat unsound and totally paranoid and slightly schizophrenic soul. I anchor crisis management and fix problems, and then fall apart only in the privacy of my own room under the covers where I am longing, dying for someone to come and give me a hug or stroke my hair but being too proud and too 'strong' to admit it.

And above everything, I am lonely. I am loud, and constantly in good company, and extroverted and well-loved. But at the end of the day all I return to, all I fall asleep to is this aching, aching loneliness that tells me I'm going to end up all alone.

sylvia is:

1. single again, alone again, lonely again.
2. exploited, overworked, under-rested.
3. in desperate need of a holiday.
4. going to be out of a paying job in 2 weeks.
5. craving company
6. having the stupidest crush of her life
7. tired of life.
8. a fabulous pretender.
9. not okay
10. eventually going to be okay.